LizLetters

Pope Benedict

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI
Vatican City State
00120
Italy

Dear Your Holiness:

    I just read that you have streamlined the sainthood process. What a move! The late Pope John Paul II must be thanking you right now, although I suppose you yourself are in line to reap the benefits of this action. I did not want to say so before, but I think the rule that you had to wait to start counting the miracles on the sainthood scorecard was a bit silly. The nun whose multiple sclerosis was cured right after John Paul’s death would not even have counted!
    I am not a Catholic so I can’t stuff the ballot box. What happens to people when their miracles turn out to be fictitious? You probably shouldn’t be too hard on them. They’re only trying to help the guy out. Of course you don’t want to waste manpower investigating bogus miracles. I think when that happens you should have Oprah talk to the charlatans. That will put an end to that trend.

Santo Subito!

Your Humble servant,

Liz Mann

Oil Profiteers

John Felmy, Chief Economist
American Petroleum Institute
1220 L Street N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20005

Dear Mr. Felmy,

    I was browsing the headlines today and saw that Exxon Mobil Corp. brought in a record profit this past year. Not just for an oil company but for any U.S. company ever! Like most people are probably doing over their cups of coffee this morning I just thought, “surprise, surprise,” and moved on.
    But something doesn’t sit well with this news. Sure, people have been getting used to paying more for gasoline. That doesn’t mean that most people have an open-ended budget that will accommodate three, four and more dollars per gallon. Pardon my saying so but I think people just feel like they can’t do anything about it so they “suck it up,” pay more, and do without in other areas or, more likely, go deeper into debt.
    You are quoted in an online article as saying “...we have to treat investors appropriately otherwise we’d have the Eliot Sprizers of the world coming after us.” My impression from this is that the oil industry operates out of fear of retaliation from already wealthy investors if their pockets aren’t properly lined, while the ethos that acknowledges the consumer and sometimes even says “we’re passing the savings on to you!” is gone with the days of yore. What ever happened to those good old days?

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Donald

Donald Trump
c/o The Trump Organization
725 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY  10022

Dear Mr. Trump:

     I hear you are planning to build in the increasingly popular emirate of Dubai, or rather on one of the new islands they’re creating. When you go over there to scout out locations please have a chat with Michael Jackson. He’s just embarrassing himself over there, and is dangerously close to tainting the reputation of the region like Lodi grapes in a bottle of Napa wine. 
    Before long you are bound to have some influence with the powers that be over there. Please ask them to spruce up their flag a bit. The United Arab Emirates flag is nicely balanced, but Dubai’s just needs a splash of something.
    It looks like your building is going to be on Palm Island. Apparently they’re naming some of the islands after places that already exist, and one will be called Utah. Good choice with the one called Palm. Can the Palm Trump Hotel and Tower be seen from space?
    Way to plan for financing your project! I read that you are suing a New York Times writer for underestimating your net worth. If you win the suit he’ll be forced to cough up the billions he said you don’t have. Then you can just buy one of the islands and name the whole thing Trump.
    Good luck with all your endeavors.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Friends of Five Creeks

Susan Schwartz, President
Friends of Five Creeks
1236 Oxford Street
Berkeley, CA 94709

Dear Ms. Schwartz,

    I am writing to share some thoughts on Cerrito Creek (one of your five creeks), to which I happen to live in very close proximity. My husband tells me he met you once at his workplace and he thought you wouldn’t mind if I dropped you a line.
    You may already be aware of the city’s proposed plans to close off the streets that currently feed into El Cerrito Plaza. We live on the one street that currently stops short of the creek and think it’s a great idea. I’m sure the neighbors would welcome the reduction in traffic that we currently enjoy.
    You could then launch a project to daylight the portions of the creek that are currently under the streets! If you do this, however, you will probably want to have footbridges built so people can walk to the shopping plaza. I’ve been hoping that there is already a plan in the works to make a foot bridge at the end of our street. There is a de facto short-cut path, which I’m sure you’ve seen, that runs alongside the creek over to the next street. In fact, there’s a photo of someone walking on this path on your web site! It is currently nearly too muddy to use, and certainly too muddy for my non-all-terrain stroller.
    We try to be good neighbors for our little creek. My husband has occasionally fished debris out, although a couple of times some hooligans pushed shopping carts into the creek, and we could not retrieve them.
    I have two pressing questions for you. Once in a while I see folks harvesting some plants down by the water (not, I hope, to sell at the farmers market the next day!). What sort of greens are they gathering? And when do the frogs come back? We just moved here last June and they were going strong. I miss them!

Your Humble Servant,

Liz Mann

Ann Arbor YMCA

Cathi Duchon, CEO
Ann Arbor YMCA
400 W. Washington Street
Ann Arbor, MI  48103

Dear Ms. Duchon,

    I have just learned that you are banning breast feeding at your pool. While I do not live in your neighborhood and thus cannot join your maternal clientele in a nurse-in, I am writing to let you know that as a nursing mother I am offended by your decision. A mother should not be made to go and hide in a cubby to feed her child.
    I read that some “officials” pointed out that food is not allowed in the pool. I am certain that you do what you can to accommodate visitors with special needs. Perhaps you allow guide dogs but not pets. Your infant guests are not flouting the rules, but simply have the special need that they must eat very frequently in order to survive.
    With that issue out of the way, I would like to address the policy that is at the crux of this issue. The main reason for banning breast feeding is apparently because it distracts the lifeguards. Well, there’s something everyone can relate to! When one sees a nursing mother, often, like Pavlov’s dogs, one experiences hunger. The solution to your problem is simply to remind your staff to eat before starting their shifts.
    It’s a good thing they’re not distracted by nubile young women in bikinis. You’d have to start requiring full body swim wear!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Tasty Bite

Tasty Bite
c/o Preferred Brands International
P.O. Box 3487
Stamford, CT  06901

Dear Sir or Madam:

    Your entrees are quite popular in my household. They’re both delicious and convenient. The other day as I was getting my five minutes of meditating while watching the bags boil, I started to wonder just what the heck these bags are made of. I’m glad I investigated your website for the answer. Who knew these innocuous pouches were the brainchild of the Apollo Space Program! Have any Tasty Bite meals been into space?
    I tried to find out online more information about these “retort pouches” but found mostly a bunch of industry jargon. I’m hoping you can break it down for me. My reason for inquiring is that I keep reading new reports about some supposedly safe material that we use every day and how someone just discovered that -- oops -- it’s poisonous! I’m not one to sound the alarm at every bit of speculation, but considering how many crazy chemicals they’re finding, even in mothers’ milk, I try to stay abreast of what information is available regarding items in my family’s immediate environment.
    Thank you for your time. I’d appreciate whatever data you have on the pouches.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Bronco Wines

Fred Franzia, CEO
Bronco Wines
6342 Bystrum Road
Ceres, CA  95307

Dear Mr. Franzia,

    I understand you have recently been inconvenienced by some pesky state laws requiring you to use grapes grown in the region that is spelled out most prominently on your label. The Supreme Court wouldn’t even give you the time of day! Are these people Canadian or something? If it’s been a while since you’ve been there, in some parts of Canada all signs have to be lettered in French bigger than they are in English. This is America! Land of fine print and home of people who talk very very fast at the end of commercials.
    You did the exact opposite of what I would have done. I’m not questioning your marketing savvy, but it seems like the Napa wine people were implying that your label was bringing the Napa “reputation” down. So now you are using Napa grapes rather than change your labels. I’d just change the labels and keep the grapes. Here’s your opportunity to lift the reputation of a lesser known grape growing region. Where were you having your grapes grown anyway? Lodi?

Truly,

Liz Mann

P.S. Love the "two buck chuck"!

Alan Greenspan

Alan Greenspan
c/o the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System
20th Street and Constitution Avenue NW
Washington, DC  20551

Dear Mr. Greenspan,

    Congratulations on your retirement! I will leave the analysis of your reign to the experts, or at least to those who know an ounce more than squat about economics. It must have been hard, though, for the last six years, to watch the president run around like a twenty year old with his dad’s credit card.
    I read that you gently suggested that Mr. Bush curb his spending a bit. Another fellow who needs a talking to is Mr. Joel Kaplan, deputy director of the White House Office of Management and Budget. He recently cited the costs from Hurricane Katrina as the big money-sucker that is pushing the deficit over 400 billion dollars. I think he must have forgotten about the little skirmish in Iraq that is demanding a rather large allowance. If you play tennis with him soon, please remind him.
    So what’s next? It’s logical that you will conduct speaking engagements from time to time, maybe even write a memoir. If I might make a suggestion, I think your future is in puppets. Let me explain. You very likely already know this, but no one teaches young folks about personal finance. Then when kids go to college and get all those credit card offers they end up in a pickle. I think you should create a puppet show that teaches kids all about economics! You yourself could be immortalized in plush. I’d suggest that you contact the Unemployed Philosophers Guild and let them know that you are deeply offended that they have not made a puppet of you yet but are willing to forgive them if they help you out with this project.
    Take it easy.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Mom-In-Law

Caroline
Lima, Peru

Dear Caroline,

    I hope all is well in sunny Peru. South America is “in the news” these days with that new lady president in Chile and the indigenous president in Bolivia. Peru needs to ride this wave and do something big to get noticed! What’s the talk on the street in Peru?
    K is a star at her music class. Jeff sends you a big “hello.” When we were doing introductions he was talking you up to the whole class: “K’s grandmother is a Suzuki master and a Kodaly master!” No pressure, K. Anyway, I’d like to get your thoughts on what’s appropriate for a child’s musical development at K’s age. I’m learning quite a bit about it in the class, but the other day I took K to a Gary Lapow concert at Ashkenaz and all she wanted to do was run around in the back hallway. I thought she might be too young to really enjoy a stage performance, but I didn’t want to underestimate her.
    I will e-mail new pictures soon -- maybe before you get this letter! She’s learning new words every day. For some reason she insists that R and I are both called Daddy (or, rather, Da-ee).
    I want to cut her hair and R does not. My bet: she’ll have a nice trim by the time this reaches you! I was having dinner with R’s dad the other day and he said that you did not want to cut your sons’ hair when they were little because you did not like little boys’ ears. How do you feel about little girls’ ears?
    All the best.

Love,

Liz

Ambassador Burns

Ambassador R. Nicholas Burns
NATO Headquarters
Blvd. Leopold III
1110 Brussels, Belgium

Dear Ambassador Burns:

    I was sorry to hear about the death of Kosovo’s President Ibrahim Rugova from lung cancer. Do you happen to know what brand of cigarettes he smoked? I’d like to give those tobacco-pushers a piece of my mind. It’s one thing to get rebellious kids smoking, but you just shouldn’t be allowed to sell cigarettes to heads of state. He would have had a few good years left in him!
    I read that ninety-eight percent of people in Kosovo smoke, and there’s a potential smoking ban in the works. That will likely get an even worse reception than it did in New Jersey. If Kosovo doesn’t already have a “sister city” in the United States, I nominate New Jersey. They could help each other become smoke free.
    Please extend my condolences to the appropriate people.

Your Humble Servant,

Liz Mann