LizLetters

Idaho Governor 2

Idaho Governor Dirk Kempthorne
P.O. Box 83720
Boise, Idaho  83720

Dear Mr. Kempthorne:

    In spite of having received no reply to a letter I sent you a couple of months ago, I feel compelled to write to you again. I arrived in Idaho this afternoon, and was enjoying the lovely spring day in Boise while catching up on the latest local news when I saw that you have recently done a disservice to an important cultural organization.
    I understand that with your recent nomination to the position of United States Secretary of the Interior, you are quite busy and have new and exciting things on your mind. You are still, of course, the Governor of this lovely state, and have obligations to your constituents. Your decision to remove from your agenda the approval of the nominees in the bi-annual Governor’s Arts Awards given by the Idaho Commission on the Arts robs its participants of a valuable cultural distinction.
    I would like to be able to congratulate you on your recent nomination, but I will withhold any such accolade until I am able to offer the same to the artists who deserve it as well.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Beach Fires

Rudy Evenson
Attn.: Beach fires
Golden Gate National Recreation Area
Building 201, Fort Mason
San Francisco, CA 94123

Dear Mr. Evenson,

    I am writing to you to oppose a ban on bonfires at Ocean Beach. The article on this matter in the Chronicle a few days ago presented both sides of the issue quite thoroughly. I would not want for my child or anyone else’s to step on glass or a nail while playing at the beach. But having a bonfire on the beach is great fun.
    I must confess, with apologies, that back when I was in high school I was guilty of some of the bad behavior mentioned in the article. A couple of times some friends and I burned palettes on the beach. I would like to think that if I had known better I would have burned a more suitable combustible.  Public awareness is a place to start.
    It seems like there are folks who are willing and able to be organized and perform such duties as monitoring of bonfires and cleanup. If Save Ocean Beach can segue into Maintain Ocean Beach, there may be a viable, long term solution.
    This is an opportunity to bring members of the community together. People could build fire pits, distribute informational flyers, and have regular beach cleaning days. I hope a solution can be found other than an outright ban on fires.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Sexy Little Quacking Man

Gilbert Gottfried
c/o Brian Stern
William Morris Agency
1325 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York  10019

Dear Mr. Gottfried,

    If someone has already alerted you to a recent article in the Boston Phoenix, it most likely ruined your day. You were named number one on their list of the 100 unsexiest men in the world! I am writing to tell you that I completely disagree with these two fellows’ assessment, and I wonder where Mr. Jensen and Mr. Stewart get the credentials to pass such judgments.
    I think the compilers of this list have failed to give credence to the sexiness of a sense of humor. My first celebrity crush was Bill Murray back in the days of “Stripes.” I may have been in the minority among young women in these sentiments. Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn’t have been watching that movie...
    Anyway, I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that you are plenty sexy. You are doubtlessly receiving dozens of perfumed letters from single ladies, so I won’t keep you from them any longer.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Frenzied Feline Finished

Tyler Baskfield
c/o Colorado Division of Wildlife
6060 Broadway
Denver, CO 80216

Dear Mr. Baskfield,

    I am glad the boy who was chomped by a mountain lion is going to be all right. I am dismayed, however, that you thought it necessary to put down the animal who bit the boy. As the issue is presented in the news, the reasoning seems a bit weak. It seems to me that the animal could have been sedated and checked out, as there was speculation that it was ill. My guess is that the animal was okay. You are quoted as saying it was killed for public safety. But this was not a cat who wandered into town. The bite sized fellow was walking in the animal’s habitat! Many seven year old boys smell like peanut-butter sandwiches, making them even more attractive to predators.
    I’m thinking that this may have been a revenge killing on behalf of the boy’s family. That or it would be too costly to treat and/or relocate the animal and, seeing as there are thousands in the area, one is seen as more or less dispensable. If either of these reasons is accurate, it would be doing the public a great service to be up front about it.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Breast Appreciation

Supervisor Fred L. Gold
Warminster Township
Administration Building
401 Gibson Avenue
Warminster, PA 18974

Dear Mr. Gold:

    I hear that some people are calling for your resignation over an e-mail you sent out suggesting a “breast appreciation day.” That is the kind of thinking we need here in California, so if you are ready to say good-bye to Philly and go someplace where you will be appreciated, I believe you will enjoy all that our lovely state has to offer.
    Every year in Berkeley there is a “Breast Freedom Parade” hosted by the Xplicit Players. It is quite a fun romp. We can be serious about breasts as well. Breasts Not Bombs, with its origins in Mendocino County, is harnessing breast power in the name of a more peaceful future for us all.
    If you are set on staying where you are, perhaps you can contact the above-mentioned organizations and suggest they branch out to your district. If you decide to come here, I have one warning for you: we do take Martin Luther King, Jr. Day seriously.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Double [standards] or Nothing

General Manager
Harrah´s Reno
219 North Center Street
Reno, NV 89501

Dear Sir or Madam:

    It looks as though you have won a victory in the courts, as Darlene Jesperson has lost her case against you in which she claimed that she was being discriminated against when she was fired for not wearing make-up. It is difficult for me to comprehend how her lawyers were unable to show the difference between requiring women to wear makeup and requiring men to keep their hair cut short.
    I do not believe that men should have to keep their hair short if they are able to keep it looking kempt, but I do see how a haircut falls into the category of “grooming.” It’s fine to ask that a neat hair style be part of an employee’s wardrobe. Cosmetics, on the other hand, are superfluous. Why must a woman be required to “dress” her face when a man is not asked to do so?
    I will be passing through your zip code in a couple of weeks on a road trip, but I will not be stopping into a Harrah’s any time soon. I reserve my patronage for places that are kinder to their employees.

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Rites (and Lefts) of Spring

Sarah Jessica Parker
c/o Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California 90212-1825

Dear Ms. Parker,

    Spring is here, and it looks like high heel shoes are as popular as ever, and higher than ever! I have read that you are a shoe aficionado. And from what I have heard, the characters on your “Sex and the City” show were the inspiration for as many fashion trends as “Friends” was for hair styles.
    I was dismayed to learn that all that time you spent in heels damaged your feet. I read a report that he makers of your recent film “Failure to Launch” had to digitally enhance your feet. This makes me wonder whether you have regrets about your passion for heels, and perhaps opt for flats these days. Many feminists have asserted that the high heel is a patriarchal tool to keep women symbolically in a precarious and vulnerable position, that it is akin to foot-binding. There are plenty of women, of course, who feel that their shoes are a reflection of the sexy, powerful women they are. I feel that anything you are doing to your body that is causing you pain is worth examining.
    Please do not regard this letter as criticism. I am curious about your position on this matter, as you have a strong influence on a great number of women. I hope for good health for you and yours.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Filing, Phones & Filial

Melanie Sloan
Citizens for Responsibility and
Ethics in Washington
1400 Eye Street NW, Suite 450
Washington, D.C. 20005

Dear Ms. Sloan:

    When I saw the headlines about U.S. Rep. John Conyers having his staff baby-sit his children, I was optimistic. I thought this would be a story that could bring light to the dilemma countless parents have of finding affordable, reliable childcare while they are at work. Unfortunately, it looks like this particular situation is about abuse of power. Indeed, anyone who has a job that includes a “staff” can probably afford to pay someone to look after his children.
    I am very curious about something that you were quoted as saying in the news piece on this matter. You mentioned that there is an “ethics truce” on Capitol Hill. This is the first I have heard of such a thing. It seems counterintuitive to remove the means of having checks and balances on the behavior of folks who should be, but are not always, conducting themselves according to a high ethical standard. What’s it all about?

Truly,

Liz Mann

Eau de Cinema

Akiko Suzaki
c/o NTT Communications Corporation
1-1-6 Uchisaiwaicho Chiyoda-ku
Tokyo, Japan 100-8019

Dear Ms. Suzaki:

    I just read about your company’s new product that releases scents into movie theatres to enhance one’s experience of films. I am well aware that essential oils such as those described in relation to your product have a powerful impact on body and mind. If you have not already done so, I would like to suggest that you also include scents that may not seem, at first, “pleasing” to the senses, but could make people’s film viewing experience richer. For example, filling the theatre with the smell of horse manure for “Brokeback Mountain” could transport the audience to the wide open spaces of Wyoming. The more authentic your scents are, the more intense, realistic and memorable experience your audience will have. There are few scents that I would personally find objectionable. Then again I enjoy the smell of tar, so I may not represent your target customer. For home viewing, I would like to make my apartment smell like a movie theatre. Do you make a spray mist with the odor of stale popcorn and fake butter?
    I smell an Oscar category in the making!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Benched

William Schramm
5110 Latimer Street
West Bloomfield, MI 48324

Dear Mr. Schramm,

    A story about you in today’s news elicited my sympathies. My initial reaction was to write to the judge and let him know I thought he was being too harsh on you, making you sit in the courthouse hallway for the duration of a trial simply for supposedly lying to get out of jury duty. Not that the judge would be swayed by the opinion of some stranger from another state. But who among us would not lie to get out of jury duty under some circumstances? And how could you have proved that you were not lying if what you are accused of lying about is your opinion? It is quite a Kafka-esque situation you are in.
    The judge told you that you are not allowed to read. I am curious about the extent of the rules he specified for you. Are you allowed to talk to people? If so, you could conduct a sort of informal salon in the hallway. People could come visit you and discuss whatever is meaningful to them. Or you could simply hold a forum and espouse your personal philosophies. If you feel that your philosophies do not warrant an audience, you could try  meditating. You might even gain enlightenment before the trial ends!
    Whatever you do, I hope you can make the best of your situation.

Truly,

Liz Mann