LizLetters

She Steals Horses, Doesn't She?

Rick Federico, CEO of P. F. Chang Restaurants
P. F. Chang Corporate Headquarters
15210 N. Scottsdale Rd
Ste. 300
Scottsdale, AZ  85254

Dear Mr. Federico,

    I am seeking your assistance in a new hobby I have been inspired to take on. My plans concern the lovely horses that are positioned outside your Emeryville, California location, though I am under the impression that you have similar statues at many of your restaurants.
    I have been reading many news stories lately about various ornamental statues going missing from private homes and businesses. The mascots then travel around the country and send photos or postcards to their guardians. Some seem to take off on their own, others are blatantly kidnapped. There is a long-standing tradition of stealing and “liberating” garden gnomes, and other types of creatures such as flamingoes go on romps as well. A Pillsbury Doughboy was recently nabbed from a market in New Hampshire, and ransom notes followed. A golden Buddha statue was pilfered from the front of a Japanese restaurant, and was later returned. A cinnamon bun that resembled Mother Teresa was even taken from a coffee shop in Nashville and began sending correspondence.
    I believe you would benefit from the sort of publicity that would come from a good old-fashioned case of horse-thievery. I would like to sign on to take one or both of your horses on the road. I will need directions from you on how to go about moving the creatures, for they look to be quite heavy. If you are willing to sponsor a road trip, I will gladly take them abroad. I look forward to embarking on this new adventure.

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Cushy Lifestyle

Kimberly-Clark Corporation
Dept. INT
P.O. Box 2020
Neenah, WI 54957-2020

Dear Sir or Madam:

    Very much like an amateur bird watcher, I am an amateur observer of mass marketing. And just as the birder wishes for the subjects of her observation to thrive, I desire the same for the corporations who strive for their places in the  malleable subconscious of the consumer. It pains me to see an opportunity passed by like a leafy tree with a sheltered but nestless crook.
    You have been missing just such an opportunity for your Depend® products! Some time back I saw a tiny feature in a magazine claiming that personal scooters (those vehicles that are somewhere between a wheelchair and a Vespa) were being used by individuals who do not require them for medical reasons. It had become a lifestyle choice. There were even celebrities supposedly using them, though I could not verify that claim.
    I was reminded of this when my husband was changing our daughter’s diaper the other day and commented that it would be lovely to sometimes be able to opt for a diaper and not worry about finding a restroom. The ultimate luxury would be if you could then count on someone else to change your diaper for you.
    A hugely untapped target group awaits you! You would not need to alter your product at all, but simply advertise toward the eighteen to retirement-age consumer who might be intrigued by a more casual lifestyle. In other words: everyone! I hope my idea can be of use to you.

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Strength of Hercules

Trevor Evans-Young, Hercules Mayor
City Hall
111 Civic Drive
Hercules, CA 94547

Dear Mayor Evans-Young:

    I was very pleased to read that you and the citizens of your town have been able to keep Wal-Mart from plopping one of their behemoths down in your town. Good work! I hope this will set a precedent for other communities, although efforts to thwart big-box development are all too often unsuccessful. In Chicago they are taking a different tack in a similar sort of battle, trying to make it a law that large retailers offer a “living wage.”
    A couple of the quotes in one news story about your efforts were unbelievable. A Wal-Mart attorney said: “Today it may be Wal-Mart but the question is where does it end.” Indeed, “where does it end” is the very question asked of Wal-Mart as their empire infiltrates every community! One of your longtime residents who did in fact want a Wal-Mart made the misguided statement about the business: “I know I can go there and get a fair price for a good product.” I’m not certain which usage of the word “fair” she intended, but it reads as if she means the fair that we use in describing something that’s just, as in “fair play.” While Wal-Mart is jumping on the organic product bandwagon, I think it may be a while before we see a “fair-trade” label on their merchandise. Someone is losing out, and most likely everyone is losing out except for Wal-Mart executives and stockholders.
    Thank you for setting such a wonderful example!

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Game's Got Game

Dave Shirk, Town Planner
Estes Park Municipal Building
P.O. Box 1200
170 MacGregor Ave.
Estes Park, Colorado 80517

Dear Mr. Shirk,

    I just learned of the overpopulation problem that has developed among the elk in Rocky Mountain National Park. Of the proposed solutions, I am least in favor of the stealthy sharpshooters whose employment has been considered. I suppose I am most in favor of offering the elk contraception, which was briefly referenced as a possible solution in a recent New York Times article. This may be the most problematic solution, however. America’s national parks rely on federal funding, which has already been reduced under the Bush administration. As the White House seems to be no fan of contraception, if they get wind that you are passing out condoms to the wildlife, they will likely snip the purse strings all together.
    We know, of course, that the hunting of animals is encouraged and practiced by the administration. Perhaps they would not stand in the way of the reintroduction of wolves to help thin out the elk herds. This seems like the best solution, for even if there was no opposition to giving the elk contraceptives, it may prove difficult to teach them their proper use.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Prison Yoga

Harley G. Lappin
Director, Federal Bureau of Prisons
320 First Street, NW
Washington, DC 20534

Dear Mr. Lappin:

    The business of incarceration is booming. One in 136 Americans is now in jail or prison at any given time. While it is my belief that our criminal justice system is in need of extensive reform, that is not why I am writing to you.
    Once an individual makes the journey into a cell, he or she is cut off from society for better and for worse. While supposedly receiving just punishment and posing no additional threat to society, the prisoner is in a controlled environment where (s)he can receive only the benefits allowed within the system.
    I am writing to you to suggest that you employ the services of the Art of Living Foundation. I recently read a news report about their success at a prison in Dubai, where they teach the women prisoners yoga classes and allow them to wear makeup. I believe that these sorts of tactics would benefit the U.S. prison population as well. With such a high percentage of our population in prison, we should be setting the standard for employing reform programs.
    You may already have programs for prisoners that I am not aware of, and I would love to learn about them. I understand that at many facilities, inmates are encouraged to work and also to take classes to further their education. Whatever is currently being done, however, is not enough. Too many people are leaving prison only to return again and again.
    A judge in Lincoln Nebraska recently sentenced a man who had sexually assaulted a child to probation rather than prison, saying that due to his short stature (five-foot-one), he was unlikely to survive in prison. If the climate in our nation’s prisons is such that judges are concerned for convicts’ very survival, then certainly they are not environments where people can thrive, grow and change.
    I encourage you to work toward positive reform of our prison system. Doing so will benefit us all in the long run.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Ape-ritif

Zoltan Hanga
Budapest Zoo
Állatkerti krt. 6-12
469 Budapest 5
Hungary

Dear Mr. Hanga:

    I was happy to read recently that your apes are so well taken care of. They even get to drink red wine! I am curious as to whether the other animals in the zoo get the same treat with their evening meals. You would need to consult a very special sommelier in order to determine which wines would go best with which foods. As you say, the animals do not need expensive labels or vintages, but one would not expect to have the same wine paired with the fish chunks for the seals as with the carrion for the lions.
    The report I read about your resident wine enthusiasts did not specify which brand they drink, but I would like to recommend Papio to you, as it is a monkey-themed wine, and the company supports primate conservation through the African Wildlife Foundation. The wine is not very expensive here, but that may be because I am in California, where it is made. I can’t imagine a better partnership, though.
    Cheers!

Truly,

Liz Mann

"Gray Charles"

Taylor Hicks
c/o Open Door Cafe
1115 Dunston Ave
Birmingham, AL 35213

Dear Mr. Hicks,

    Congratulations on winning American Idol! I cannot claim any responsibility for your success, as I have not seen the show in years and have never voted on it. However, my interest in your participation in the show was peaked when, a few days ago, I was informed that I have something unusual in common with one of the finalists. Like you, I began to go gray in my teens, and by age thirty was about thirty percent gray. I never minded it, but dyed my hair for years because I was bored with my brown hair that I thought was dull. My husband convinced me to grow out my natural color, and I am glad for it. I get compliments on it quite often.
     Being thus far one of the few people in America unfamiliar with you, I watched an interview with you and a couple of your songs. In the interview you said you had to prove your age, as the American Idol folks did not believe you were twenty-nine! I have read mixed reports online about your plans for your hair. I hope you are not truly considering coloring it. I appreciate your moxie in keeping this distinct feature, and I would hate to see you give it up due to pressure from jerks who think you should change your look.
    I look forward to the release of your first solo album. Good luck!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Homeland Is Everywhere

Michael Chertoff, Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security
U.S. Department of Homeland Security
Washington, D.C. 20528

Dear Mr. Chertoff:

   

Amnesty International is, as you must know, a widely respected organization that is concerned with global human rights. They have recently released a report condemning several countries for ignoring the plights of those in need of assistance. The United States is named together with China and Russia, among others.
    Guantanamo Prison is one of the examples often cited in criticism of the United States’ methods in conducting the “war on terror.” Bush seems to be attempting to gain favor with the increasing number of Americans who are dissatisfied with his performance; he has stated that he would like to see Guantanamo closed. I think it is atrocious that the prison was opened in 2002, and in 2006 there is talk of “closing” it but no plan as to what to do with those who are being held there.
    I would like to know what the United States’ response is to the issues that Amnesty International brings to light.
Thank you for your time.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Britney

Britney Spears
c/o Jive Records
137 West 25th Street
New York, NY 10001

Dear Ms. Spears,

    I have been meaning to write to you for some time, as you seem to have been encountering some of the difficulties that most new mothers face. I have a daughter who will be turning two soon, so I feel empathy for you when I see the frequent news reports that put your parenting skills under the microscope. I can only imagine how difficult it is to get through the day caring for a child with people taking photos and shooting video of you the whole time.
    While I do not subscribe to any particular religion, I know that a spiritual practice can be very grounding during the challenging moments that are part of parenting. I read a report recently that you are giving up your Kabbalah practice for the “baby” religion. It is wonderful to adore one’s children, but there is a danger in actually worshipping them. There has been speculation that one reason you lost your taste for Kabbalah is that the organization pressed you for large amounts of money. I would like to suggest that you try Buddhism, for the buddhists are not likely to ask you for much money. If you are not quite ready for a new religion, I think you would enjoy at least reading the book “Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting” my Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn. If I had a copy on hand I would lend it to you, but I believe you will be able to find it fairly easily.
    Don’t be afraid to tell off the paparazzi. You would be setting a good example for your offspring, as they will need to stick up for themselves in the future as well.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Bay Swim Boy

Braxton Bilbrey
15612 57th Lane
Glendale, AZ 85306

Dear Braxton,

    Congratulations on completing your swim from Alcatraz to San Francisco!! My husband has signed up to do the swim in a few months, and I have been a bit worried about the event, but now I can’t try to dissuade him because he will just say, “Braxton’s parents let him go!”
    I think it is wise that you used a wetsuit. Did you still do any training for the cold water? Do you have any tips I could pass on to my husband to help him prepare?
    When I tell people that I decided to become a vegetarian at age nine they are often impressed that I had such strong convictions at that age. I am astounded at your accomplishments at age seven. Good luck in whatever waters you venture into next!

Truly,

Liz Mann