LizLetters

The Tommy Incident?

Axl Rose, Singer, Guns N' Roses
c/o Geffen Records
2220 Colorado Ave.
Santa Monica, CA 90404

Dear Mr. Rose,

    I just read about a scuffle you had with Tommy Hilfiger at a Manhattan nightclub. You are quoted in various online news sources as describing the incident on a radio program the next day as one of the most “surreal” things that has happened to you. I imagine is was a bit odd, and the story makes me wonder whether this was the first occasion in which you were on the receiving end of a beating.
    Several years ago, at the height of your music career, I could not in good conscience count myself among your fans, as there were rampant rumors that you were the perpetrator of domestic violence against then-girlfriend Stephanie Seymour. You reportedly settled the abuse charges out of court.
    I take it as a good sign that you were able to make light of the incident with Hilfiger and not let the situation escalate. You will undoubtedly be the recipient of a great deal of attention when your much-anticipated new album comes out. I hope that you will take the opportunity to speak out against violence of all kinds, and prove yourself to be a positive role model for a new generation of young fans.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Insult To Injury

Virginia Kice
c/o U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement
P.O. Box 30080
Laguna Niguel, CA 92607-0080

Dear Ms. Kice:

    I am writing out of concern for the fate of Jacqueline Coats, who became a widow a few short weeks after getting married, when her husband drowned while trying to save two boys in the water off Ocean Beach. No one should have to go through the heartbreak she is now experiencing. But on top of that, she faces possible deportation to Kenya, from where she came a few years back, because she did not submit her petition for legal residency before her husband’s death.
    While I am no expert on the process of gaining residency or citizenship in the United States, I will not pretend to have faith in the system’s efficiency or fairness. Immigrants are under the microscope these days, but as magnified as the issue is, people are still failing to see the people involved as humans with real feelings and families. I hope that Jacqueline Coats’s story will help some people to see this, and not be so quick to judge any one group of people as a “problem.”
    Please allow Jacqueline Coats to complete whatever process is necessary for her to gain residency. She does not need any more grief.

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Clean Getaway

Sgt. Raffaello Pata
c/o San Rafael Police Department
1400 Fifth Avenue
San Rafael, CA 94901

Dear Sgt. Pata,

    I read with interest the news about a recent spate of bank robberies perpetrated by a fellow who apparently flees on a getaway bicycle. I do not in any way condone stealing, nor the brandishing of a firearm. I would like to request, however, that when you catch up to this particular felon, you take into account his ecologically sound method of transportation.
    Today is Bike-To-Work day, which tops off Bike-To-Work Week. The robber in question is a shining example of biking to work. Perhaps he is not an example of a model citizen, but I believe it would be worse if he were to be peeling off in a gas-guzzling car and endangering lives in the process.

Truly,

Liz Mann

She Speaks For Me

Rep. Barbara Lee
1301 Clay Street, Suite 1000 North
Oakland, CA 94612

Dear Rep. Lee:

    I am always pleased to see your name in the news, for each time I find that you are speaking out on issues that truly matter. Your courage inspires me, and I am proud to be represented by you.
    Recently you were arrested while protesting against the violence in the Darfur region of Sudan. African nations are among the first to be exploited for their resources and the last to receive international aid when it is so desperately needed. While situations this huge make me wonder what I could possibly do that would make a difference, I would at least like to help encourage lawmakers to provide assistance to those who need it, and companies to divest from the region. If you have suggestions as to whom I could contact about this matter, I would welcome that information.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Tom "Recordbreaker" Hanks

Tom Hanks Productions
10201 West Pico
Bldg. 79, Room 6
Los Angeles, CA 90035

Dear Mr. Hanks,

    Congratulations! You are involved in all kinds of record breaking these days. You are the Actor With the Most Consecutive $100 Million-Grossing Movie, and your train ride to the Cannes Film Festival was the longest nonstop international train trip. How fast can you make a balloon poodle behind your back? 
    I am not sure why, but I feel somewhat protective of you -- perhaps because we went to the same high school. I must tell you I am a bit worried about you. It is all fine and good to be enjoying so much success, but your new film, The Da Vinci Code, has pissed off the Vatican! Indeed it has angered a number of uber-religious folks, including a fringe flock that goes by the name Concerned Women for America, who picked a fight with Barbie when she was apparently joining the “transgender movement”. I don’t think you need to worry about most of these guys, but the Vatican knows how to pull strings.
    You seem to be good at maintaining a low profile, which is the wisest choice in Hollywood these days, especially where religion is concerned (Hello! Scientology!). I wish you luck in all of your future endeavors.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Resisting Change

U.S. Mint
Customer Care Center
801 9th Street, NW
Washington, DC 20220

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I recently learned that the price of making a penny has exceeded the value of the penny itself. This has created quite a predicament, as retailers apparently rely on the coppery coins to make change. What can be done? Prices are always set with a tricky “99” tagged on to make the item seem cheaper than it is. Tax percentages are always changing. I have noticed, however, that gasoline is, for some reason, priced with a 9/10 of a cent at the end, and no station has ever offered me any tenths of pennies as change.
    At the mint you do not deal with checks, I suppose, but someone informed me that a check can be written on virtually anything as long as it has all the pertinent information on it. This gave me an idea. You could allow people to make their own pennies! You would have to provide certain ground rules and guidelines, of course. You wouldn’t want to let people make pennies out of anything that will melt, or is edible, or too large to put in one’s pocket. But why not use marbles or small shells? I have a few buttons that will just sit in their little bowl unless they are put to good use. How about dry beans? Is that where the term “bean counter” came from?
    People would also have to agree not to use more than four items at once. People might otherwise attempt to make entire purchases with their homemade money. That might lead to bartering, and eventually people would not need money at all. Then you guys would be out of a job!
    You’re the experts. I bet you can work the kinks out of this plan and put it into practice. I am going to start designing my pennies today. I think it will be best to cut them from fabric. Light and portable.

Truly, 

Liz Mann

Meanwhile, in Afghanistan

Lt. Col. Fitzpatrick, Public Affairs Officer
Combined Joint Task Force - 76
c/o HEADQUARTERS UNITED STATES CENTRAL COMMAND
7115 South Boundary Boulevard
MacDill AFB, Fla. 33621-5101

Dear Mr. Fitzpatrick:

    I am troubled by reports that the U.S. military continues to behave badly in the Middle East. Newsweek is reporting that Mohammad Gulab, who rescued a Navy SEAL, has been roughly questioned and denied assistance that he had been promised. While the U.S. military would probably like to distance itself from stories that continue to dog its reputation, (an example of which is the atrocious way American troops have treated prisoners), leaving such embarrassing incidents in the past will be more difficult if we treat those who assist us so poorly. This sort of conduct sends a disgraceful message to the American people, and the people of Afghanistan whom we are purportedly trying to aid, and whose support we must certainly count on.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Mother's Day

Mom
Boise, Idaho

Dear Mom,

    Today is my second Mother’s Day as a mom. Last year I had already gained an appreciation of all you did for me and what you went through as a mother. I am discovering that the appreciation only grows. While I can’t remember much about my first couple of years, I can’t help but think of my own childhood as I spend time with K. As I’d heard would happen, I sometimes hear your voice coming out of my mouth. It’s kind of creepy.
    It wasn’t until I stopped to think about it that I realized how many aspects of my life are influenced by you. For example, I believe that my preference for walking as a mode of transportation has its origins in walking to town with you, or to the library or the park. One of my fondest memories is when we would dig the little bags of stale bread out of the kitchen drawer and take them to the park. We would feed the ducks at the pond, but if it was just before or after a storm, there would be a large number of seagulls there taking refuge inland. We would throw pieces of bread straight up into the air and the gulls would take off and fly in a circle over our heads like a floating carousel. They caught the bread in their beaks in midair, which I thought was fascinating.
    I want to help create good memories for K. I try to remember being small, to imagine what the world is for her. She takes everything in from a vantage point of looking up. Some of the best memories, I think, come from a moment when the big person beside you is looking up too.

I love you,

Liz

A Deadly Draft

John Calaway, CEO
Superior Renewable Energy
1600 Smith, Suite 4025
Houston, Texas 77002

Dear Mr. Calaway,

    As a Californian, I have learned to follow news about the energy business. I am very much in favor of harvesting renewable energy by methods such as wind power. I am concerned, however, by the level of bird carnage the wind turbines create. In a recent CNN article, you are quoted as saying that your company does not think the mortality will be “significant.” That statement leaves itself open to wide interpretation. I would like to know what studies your company has conducted or researched as to the number of birds that fly over the zone in question annually, and what numbers of birds you estimate will fall victim to the turbines’ blades.
    I have developed a healthy suspicion of energy companies over the years, and when I read that wind turbines at sea are ideal because they do not obstruct anyone’s lovely view, I think it is more likely that this location is ideal because the bodies are buried at sea and cannot be counted.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Equality On Ice

Jay Wescott, Manager
Berkeley Iceland
2727 Milvia Street
Berkeley, CA 94703

Dear Mr. Wescott,

    I was happy to see the report in the latest Daily Planet that you managed to settle your recent dispute while avoiding litigation. I have no idea, of course, whether your employee was indeed discriminating against a pair of gay skaters when he asked them to leave the ice. I do feel that while we live in a location that is especially progressive and tolerant politically, many of our friends and neighbors still hold old-fashioned views and experience “growing pains” of sorts when they find they must change their attitudes in order to peacefully coexist in out uniquely diverse region. I have certainly encountered a number of folks who would benefit from sensitivity training.
    There was quite a scare about a year ago when it seemed your business was in danger of closing. When this most recent incident appeared in the news, I worried that the place where I learned to skate as a child may not be out of the woods. This may be a turning point! You are reportedly going to have a monthly gay-straight skate night. This will likely increase business. Perhaps a whole series of theme nights is in order. Eighties’ night? Skate-in-the-dark night?
    I am enclosing an extra sticker I have, sent to me by the Human Rights Campaign. You can affix it to your front door or ticket window to show even more support for the gay community. I suppose it could be seen as a bit gauche to do so if you have not actually sent them money, but maybe no one will ask. Good luck!

Truly,

Liz Mann