Presidential Personnel Office
The White House
Washington, DC 20502
Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing to inquire as to whether you are currently seeking applications for the position of Speechwriter for President Bush. I read in today’s news that the man who has been his speechwriter for the last seven years is resigning. You are probably scrambling to find someone who can prevent our leader from suddenly sounding like a completely different person, or worse yet, standing around waiting for the cue cards to show up.
After being appointed/ hired, I will study all of the speeches that Mr. Gerson has written thus far. I am most familiar with the romance languages, but I am willing to sign up for classes in Nascarese. I have already familiarized myself with the encyclopedic volumes of Bushisms, and with the understanding that any one of us can trip up on even single-syllable words (just read “Fox In Socks”!), I will craft speeches with words that roll trippingly off the tongue. I will need a couple of days to read the Bible and the novels of Michael Crichton in order to get a sense of the version of reality in which Mr. Bush currently believes. If Mr. Gerson gave two week’s notice, that will provide exactly enough time for me to prepare. I am looking forward to working with all of you.
Truly,
Liz Mann
