LizLetters

The Saboteur Gene?

Dr. Phil
5482 Wilshire Boulevard #1902
Los Angeles, CA  90036

Dear Dr. Phil:

    I know that you are busy sorting through piles of letters from people with sordid problems that they want you to solve, but today I am writing to you simply as a fellow student of the human psyche.
    I have seen evidence in the news lately of a peculiar aspect of human nature that I find puzzling. People who are in professions that call for helping people sometimes end up misbehaving in the most ironic way. Firefighters become arsonists. Policemen work for the Mob. And now the head officer in the drunken driving unit of Utah’s highway patrol has been caught driving drunk!!
    I understand that these people are likely drawn to their professions as a result of repressed desires to commit unacceptable acts, and they wish to redeem themselves by attaining the position in society of policing those who act out on their very own repressed impulses.
    But do you think these bad eggs exist in all professions? Every year there are a large number of botched medical procedures, such as the wrong foot being amputated, or a lung being removed when a kidney should have been. Maybe some of them are doing these things on purpose! I don’t want to know what’s going on in our faithful Homeland Security offices. At least everybody is careful about who gets into that profession.
    Do you think there are people in the mental health field with similar impulses? Do psychiatrists once in a while try to drive someone crazy? There has got to be at least one doctor out there who has encouraged a patient’s neuroses. What is your opinion about this matter? I understand that you may be too busy to reply to me personally, but I do think the topic is worthy of being addressed on your show.

Truly,

Liz Mann

He's Not Heavy, He's My Teddy

John C. Ozmun, PED
Acting Associate Dean
College of Health and Human Performance
Indiana State University
Terre Haute, IN 47809

Dear Professor Ozmun:

    I appreciate your efforts to find a solution to the problem of childhood obesity. I read today that you are proposing that teddy bears be made heavier so that kids can get more of a workout while playing with their toys. As a parent of a toddler, I see a few flaws in your suggestion.
    While many children form an attachment to a particular stuffed toy and carry it around with them, I have trouble believing that most children pick up and put down the same toy with enough frequency to enjoy a significant increase in exercise if the toy were a pound or two heavier. Assuming that they would indeed get a better workout, there is the problem of making sure that the heavy toy is the one the child plays with most. A child who does not wish to exert extra energy will gravitate to the lighter toy.
    Since there is a large number of parents who will not stop giving their kids junk food and letting them watch hours of television each day, I believe that the best solution is a more direct one. An electronics corporation needs to produce a television that is hooked up to a stationary tricycle or small bicycle. The television will only run if there is someone riding the bike. We will soon see a new generation of star athletes! Please let me know if you decide to conduct a new study based on this idea. Thanks.

Truly,

Liz Mann

I'm A Man Without Conviction

Hon. Anthony J. Ferrara
New York County Criminal Court
100 Centre Street
New York, NY 10013

Dear Your Honor:

    It has come to my attention that George O’Dowd, a.k.a. Boy George, is in the position of needing to carry out community service. It has been reported that he wishes to serve as a make-up artist rather than suffer the humiliation of street cleaning. As he is a performer who has brought joy to millions over the years, I do not wish for Mr. George to suffer unjustly, but I do not think it would be fair to allow him to choose his own punishment.
    Why not ask him to do what he does best? The season for class reunions is upon us, and who would not be totally stoked to arrive at his or her twentieth reunion of the class of ‘86 to find Boy George performing! I think you should order him to crash a few reunions and turn it into a reality show, similarly to how Oprah has been crashing weddings. The proceeds from advertisement on the show could go to a New York drug rehab clinic.
    When you see Mr. George again, please blow him a kiss for me.

Truly,

Liz Mann

If You Build Them...

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
State Capitol Building
Sacramento, CA 95814

Dear Governor Schwarzenegger:

    I read today that you are addressing the issue of overcrowded prisons by trying to get more prisons built quickly. This solution is severely flawed. I am glad to see that a part of your plan deals with helping parolees with programs that could deter repeat offenses. However, the bulk of your plan ignores the problems that are inherent in the system that put the people in prison to begin with.
    The issue is not simply that there are too many people in prison, or that some of them are in for longer than they need to be, but that there is a huge number of people in prison who should never have been sent there. People are “over-incarcerated” for nonviolent crimes, particularly for drug offenses. Reform needs to begin with the laws themselves.
    Among those who are incarcerated unnecessarily are a number of women who have been convicted of murder for killing abusive husbands in self defense. I encourage you to have these women’s cases reviewed and grant them clemency.
    Our criminal justice system needs a major overhaul. I hope you will devote attention to the matter at the very least in proportion to the percentage of our population who are incarcerated.

Truly,

Liz Mann

John Roberts 2

Chief Justice John Roberts
Supreme Court of the United States
Washington, DC 20543

Dear Chief Justice Roberts:

    I am writing to encourage you to require the Bush administration to regulate carbon dioxide emissions. I don’t know whether it is Mr. Gore’s film that has added credibility to the issue of emissions and global warming, but I am glad it is being taken seriously enough to grab the attention of the Supreme Court.  An argument has been made that the EPA should not have to regulate carbon dioxide emissions until there is “proof of harm.” By the time the harm is obvious enough for the Bush administration, it will likely be too late to repair it.

Truly,

Liz Mann

You Snooze, You Tube

Brian L. Roberts, CEO
Comcast Corporation
1500 Market Street
Philadelphia, PA 19102

Dear Mr. Roberts:

    I read the story today of a cable technician whom you recently fired for falling asleep on a Comcast customer’s sofa. I am writing to request that you offer him his job back. I have read several stories over the past few months about people losing their jobs over the content of their blogs or even having topless photos of themselves online, but this is the first time I have heard of someone being fired after starring in a YouTube clip. Granted, it was not the film itself that got him fired but what the film recorded.
    The news report I saw mentioned that your company apologized to the customer for having to host your employee. There was no mention of an apology to the employee for having to sit on hold for so long while he was simply calling in to his own employer. In fact he lost his job for his efforts. If a worker fell into a doze on my sofa under similar circumstances, i would probably just put a blanket over him. If I were to be annoyed at anyone it would be whoever put him on hold.
    When I am thinking of doing business with a company, two of the largest factors I consider are recommendations from friends and how the employees are treated. Those whom I’ve spoken with have had a good deal of grief from Comcast and have expressed dismay that your company seems to be the only game in town in many areas (is that not a monopoly?). In my efforts to find more information about your sofa sleeper, I came across a bevy of links to stories about your employees being fired for attempting to unionize. I do not claim to know all sides of these stories, but from what I have seen, Comcast has a ways to go with employee relations.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Good Hearing Leads to Hearings

John Paul Wright
Associate Professor of Criminology
University of Cincinnati
600 Dyer Hall
P.O. Box 210389
Cincinnati, Ohio 45221-0389

Dear Professor Wright:

    I understand that the criminology program at your university is considered to be one of the best in the nation. I am writing to you to suggest a topic of research that I believe has been neglected of late.
    Several years ago I visited Alcatraz Island and, of course, the prison thereon. Among their historical displays were photos of former Alcatraz inmates. I was struck by how many of the prisoners pictured had especially large ears. This observation has been filed somewhere in the recesses of my mind until today, as I just read about a bank robber in Southern California who is known as the “Enormous Ears Bandit.” In my own attempts to research a possible pattern, I learned of the Italian school of criminology, which I suppose you must be familiar with.
    Perhaps it is archaic to suggest that one’s physical attributes are a sign of some predisposition for criminal behavior. However, my gut feeling is that I’m onto something here. If they can peg lesbians by the length of their fingers, why can’t we detect thieves by their oversized auditory receptors?

Truly,

Liz Mann

Babs

Barbara Streisand
c/o Columbia Records
Sony Music Entertainment Inc.
550 Madison Ave
New York, NY 10022-3211

Dear Ms. Streisand,

    I am shocked and appalled at some of your so-called fans’ behavior. I read today that some people are suing you for continuing to perform! Might they even demand that you cease and desist? They apparently sold the farm for a last chance to see you on your tour several years ago, thinking it would be your last.
    I am not sure how to advise you on this, but I would suggest that you contact Ozzy Osbourne for advice. I remember seeing flyers for his “No More Tours” tour back in 1992, and thinking that perhaps I should catch this legend live before he retired. But he didn’t retire at all! He was back on the road performing new songs in no time! And did I or any of his other fans sue him? Well, if we could remember whether we even went to the “last chance” tour we may have. But I would like to think that true fans simply appreciate that the performer they adore is still kicking.
    Although the news about your lawsuit is not pleasant, it led me to your website, and I am glad for that. Your blog about the individual who purports to lead this country is quite poignant. There’s someone who should hang up his hat!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Your Cell Phone's Blinging

Jorma Ollila, CEO
Nokia Head Office
Keilalahdentie 2-4
P.O. Box 226
FIN-00045 Nokia Group
Finland

Dear Mr. Ollila:

    I recently read about some new high-end phones that your company is selling, some of which go for tens of thousands of dollars. You have truly propelled the cell phone into the luxury item realm. I find the idea of a gold-encrested bejeweled phone completely over the top, excessive and decadent, but I will reserve any judgment.
    I am writing to suggest an idea for your next project. Has anyone yet made a biodegradable phone? If not, you need to hop to it! There is, of course, a growing problem of toxic cell phones being thrown away and ending up in landfills. I would like to encourage you to manufacture a phone that is, if not biodegradable, at least “green.” Even with recycling programs in place, there will be too many people who just chuck their old phones. Could you not make phones with earth-friendly materials? I hear you can make almost anything with peanuts.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Swift Justice

Army Specialist Suzanne Swift
c/o Sara Rich
390 43rd Ave.
Eugene, OR 97405

Dear Ms. Swift,

    I am writing to support you in your efforts to seek justice after experiencing sexual harassment while serving in the military. I do not support the war, and although I am continually fascinated by the variety of choices people make for their lives, I am unable to understand why anyone would sign up for the life of a U.S. soldier in this day and age. That being said, I feel that whatever it is that led you into military service led your comrades in arms there as well. You should not be subjected to such raw treatment.
    I understand that yours is not an isolated case, and in a way I am not surprised. I have been reading Chris Hedges’ book “War Is a Force That Gives Us Meaning,” in which he writes, “There is in wartime a nearly universal preoccupation with sexual liaisons,” and “Casual encounters are charged with a raw, high-voltage sexual energy that smacks of the self-destructive lust of war itself.” Sounds like fertile ground for cases of sexual harassment and worse.
    I wish you luck with your case. If all else fails, flee to Canada!

Truly,

Liz Mann