LizLetters

Cleveland Rocks Its Water

U.S. Food and Drug Administration
5600 Fishers Lane
Rockville, MD 20857

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I am writing to you today about an urgent matter that requires the immediate attention of your organization. Fiji, a water-bottling company that specializes in what it calls “artesian” water, has sparked a feud resulting from a recent advertisement that implied its water was better that tap water from Cleveland. The city of Cleveland took offense, had some tests done, and arrived at the conclusion that its water was in fact cleaner than Fiji water. Fiji is questioning the validity of the city’s studies.
    The definitive answer must be found. This will be necessary simply to maintain the integrity of the city of Cleveland. If their tap water is found to be cleaner than the bottled water, surely the city will reap the benefits of selling its own water around the world. This could be the event that puts Cleveland on the map, and you will have been a big part of it. The city may even court your organization and you could open a luxurious branch office there. I am looking forward to seeing Cleveland water on the supermarket shelf next to the Evian.

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Star Is Bred

Lori MacPherson, Senior Vice President
Walt Disney Company
500 South Buena Vista Street
Burbank, CA 91521

Dear Ms. MacPherson:

    I am glad to hear that Disney has teamed up with the American Kennel Club to discourage people from running out and buying the type of dog they just saw in a movie that morning. I hope that along with providing  informational inserts with DVDs, you will find a way to include this sort of information for people when they see the films in the theater.
    People will still buy and then abandon bunnies at Easter time, and will undoubtedly fall in love with whatever animal is depicted in the latest Disney film and insist on owning one. Although it most likely will not completely eradicate the problem of kids demanding animals that will inevitably end up in shelters, it is important to try and curb this phenomenon.
    I read that you included supplementary information regarding child safety with a Cinderella DVD. The article, however, did not explain what the safety issue was. Did you warn children against playing in fireplaces, or attempting to wrangle mice to pull pumpkin carriages? I think it would be equally wise to include caveats for young girls with films like Cinderella and Snow White that “someday, your prince may not actually come.” Some films may require a warning to the effect that “characters in this film embody stereotypes that  portray women as helpless, unintelligent, and or shallow. Viewer discretion is advised.”
    Until young viewers are old enough to have developed their critical thinking skills, these sorts of warnings will do a world of good in countering the potentially negative effects of viewing the movies.

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Parent Trap

National Parents' Day Council
3600 New York Ave NE
Washington, DC 20002

Dear Councilmembers:

    I am writing to request that you reinstate Nabil and Nargues Khalil’s status as Parents of the Year. From what I have read, it came to light that Mr. Khalil has a record of criminal misconduct ranging from assault to arson, and he subsequently relinquished his title.
    This is just the latest in a series of examples of how Americans have become, or perhaps have always been, overly-critical of parents and quick to label people as being poor examples for children. These conclusions are often reached based on reasons completely unrelated to the person’s conduct in regard to children.
    Celebrity moms have been in the spotlight lately, and Britney Spears in particular has been designated the “bad mom” of the group to the extent that she can’t seem to do anything right. A young woman who has been hosting a PBS show for toddlers was recently fired because she once appeared in videos that spoofed public service announcements.
    I am certain that the members of your organization know that no person, whether a parent or not, is perfect. Also, being a parent is diffiult, and anyone who manages to ultimately do right by their kids and help them become well-adjusted adults deserves credit for that accomplishment. As the Khalils’ children are grown, why not let them have the deciding vote as to whether their folks deserve the Parents of the Year award?

Truly,

Liz Mann

Spies Like Us

Deputy Police Chief Howard Jordan
c/o Oakland Police Department
455 Seventh Street
Oakland, CA 94607

Dear Mr. Jordan:

    I am greatly dismayed at the news that Oakland police officers infiltrated an antiwar protest and even took on leadership roles during the march. Not only were the officers apparently unable to “serve and protect” without becoming moles and attempting to control the situation from the inside as spies, but even then they were not able to prevent the situation  from getting out of hand. Countless citizens were abused and injured.
    This sort of activity supports the faulty mentality that activists are domestic terrorists. Somehow, law enforcement officials across the country have been brainwashed into believing that people who are against the war are against America, and people who are in favor of defending the environment are against America.
    With so much time and energy being devoted to targeting people who are working toward peace, justice and sustainability, this just allows people who may actually be plotting an attack on U.S. citizens plenty of undisturbed time to get their work done. It’s really a shame.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Lactivists Taste Better

Babytalk Magazine
135 West 50th Street, 3rd Floor
New York, NY  10020

Dear Babytalk:

    Way to go! I know you have received hundreds of letters in support of your use of an image of a baby nursing, breast included, on the cover of your magazine. Since there are still a number of people who are sending you letters to the opposite effect, I’ve decided to weigh in.
    Parents should be free to feed their children anywhere and everywhere. I find it amazing that there is still a debate about this. I do, however, often wonder where the line should be drawn when changing a baby in public. I have fallen into a mentality that many parents probably do, where I do not consider my own offspring’s bodily excretions to be gross. This lulls me into thinking others might not as well.
    I think I would be sorry for inadvertently causing a diaper gross-out for an innocent passerby as I use a bus stop bench for an unintended purpose, but I will never apologize for nursing in a public place.
    I love that you are actively soliciting photos of your readers nursing their babies to publish in future issues!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Miles To Go

Steve Burdick
c/o AAAA Burdick Discount Towing
736 County Route 10
Pennellville, NY 13132

Dear Mr. Burdick:

    I just read of your recent encounter with a star of the big screen. The story prompted me to write to you because, while there is every indication that you are a genial fellow, I detect some questionable practices in your business.
    It is reported that while you assisted your customer, actor Hayden Christensen, you inquired as to whether he had given his life to God, as you yourself have as a born again Christian. Fortunately this seems to have led to a fair discussion free of antagonism. There is a danger, however, in making this a regular practice. If I were to be asked this question by a tow truck driver and knew I had a drive of several hours ahead of me with the asker of such a question, I might choose to simply brave the elements than undergo an attempted conversion.
    Religious differences aside, I would like to suggest a way in which you might profit from this experience. Not from any connection to a famous actor, but from your new and inventive use for Wesson cooking oil. You could be their spokesperson in marketing their product to tow-truck drivers in case they, as you did, ever need to lube a car in order to slide it onto a truck. Just an idea.

Truly,

Liz Mann

It's No Picnic

Orlando City Commissioner Patty Sheehan
400 S. Orange Avenue
P.O. Box 4990
Orlando, FL 32802-4990

Dear Ms. Sheehan:

    Although I live on the other side of the country, I feel compelled to write to you about an ordinance that your city has recently approved. I am appalled that the Orlando community has decided to disallow charitable organizations from providing food for homeless people in parks.
    In the account I read, the measure prevents people from serving food to large groups in parks or other public places within two miles of City Hall without a permit. Does this ban people from having picnics and barbecues as well? I am unfamiliar with the geography of Orlando, but I find it confusing that this rule applies only to a bubble around City Hall.
    I am having trouble finding any logic to this ordinance at all. It seems to cater exclusively to businesses and ultimately places value  on consumer culture over community. I would love to hear that Orlando has stopped saying “no” to perceived nuisances, and started saying “yes” to real solutions.

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Ball Was Dropped

Deputy City Attorney Kandis Westmore
Oakland City Attorney
City Hall, 6th Floor
1 Frank Ogawa Plaza
Oakland, California 94612

Dear Ms. Westmore:

    I am writing to urge you not to petition the California Supreme Court to review the case involving Freddie Marie Christian, in whose death the city of Oakland has been found liable because her ex-boyfriend was not arrested for violating a restraining order and subsequently killed her.
    Perhaps it can not be proven that he would not have attacked her even if he had been arrested. It is, however, an extremely serious matter when officers do not take proper measures in cases of domestic violence. It seems as though many officers still feel that domestic disputes will resolve themselves, and many do not take threats against women seriously. The message needs to be sent that officers should always follow through with proper procedures in such cases.
    I feel that the $270,000 awarded the victim’s children in this case is a low figure for punitive damages. I hope that you will let the case remain resolved as it is. Those who are employed to “protect and serve” should not be immune to the consequences resulting from failure to perform these duties.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Space-Age Medicine

Douglas Brown, President and CEO
EMD Chemicals
480 South Democrat Road
Gibbstown, N.J. 08027

Dear Mr. Brown:

    I recently read that after eight years, the FDA has approved your use of titanium dioxide and iron oxide to make pill coatings sparkly.
     I can see how this would make your products appealing to drug companies that are currently attempting to come up with the “new new thing” to compete with products such as “the little purple pill.” I am a bit concerned, though, because it is also being reported that you are seeking approval to add these chemical pigments to other potable items.
    While the FDA can specify how much of these chemicals are allowed in any one product, and can give recommendations as to what amount is safe for people to consume, as you put these sparkles into more and more edible items, it will become increasingly difficult for consumers to monitor how much of the potentially harmful substances they are ingesting. As the article I saw points out, some people need to limit their intake of substances such as iron, even in trace amounts.
    I hope that you company and the FDA will take these factors into account and implement responsible practices to help protect consumers.

Truly,

Liz Mann

None of the Above

David “None of the Above” Gatchell
c/o NOTA-TN
PO Box 680266
Franklin TN 37068

Dear Mr. Gatchell:

    When I first read of your thwarted attempt to get your “None of the Above” nickname on the election ballots for governor and senate, I was compelled to write and scold you for attempting to mislead the voters and gain votes that may be issued to you unintentionally. Here in California, a grandmother was recently forbidden from using the nickname “grandma” on the ballot, and I am still not certain why.
    My initial feeling was that one should be able to use a nickname if it was adopted prior to the person’s bid for office, or if the nickname obviously had nothing to do with politics. But after looking at your website I have a better understanding of what you are doing. It’s difficult to believe that only one state currently gives voters the “none of the above” option. Your plan for recruiting NOTA candidates in other areas is very clever, and I hope it works.
    I do still have a concern that some voters might be confused. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to get voters to be interested enough to vote, let alone to learn about what the candidates are up to.

Truly,

Liz Mann