LizLetters

Counting Sheep

Jim Sather, Owner
America's Mattress
4408 W Frontage Rd NW
Rochester, MN 55901

Dear Mr. Sather:

    I was very sorry to read about your recent loss of a beloved mascot. From the quote in the article I read, you seem puzzled as to why someone would want to steal a 14-foot inflatable sheep. As an amateur mascot-theft detective, I thought I would drop you a note and possibly offer some insight.
    While this is most likely not a new phenomenon, I have noticed that in recent years people have been making off with decorative creatures from lawn gnomes and plastic flamingoes in people’s yards to giant golden Buddhas from restaurants. Often the kidnapping is followed by notes or even photos depicting the prisoner on “vacation.”
    I have not yet formed a criminal profile that would be of any help in tracking down your perp(s), but I do find it unusual that the note you found demanded world peace in exchange for the sheep. It would be wonderful if a mattress company could do such a thing, but this demand seems a bit unreasonable.
    I wish you luck, as surely all you can do now is wait. I just hope you do not lose any sleep over it.

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Charming Town

Albany Mayor Allan Maris
1000 San Pablo Avenue
Albany, California 94706

Dear Mayor Maris:

    As a citizen of Albany I would like to let you know that I am quite pleased at the news that Caruso is revoking it s bid for the waterfront land by the racetrack. I hope that we can somehow keep the area natural and not let it become another Starbucks wasps’ nest.
    I also have a proposal regarding our fair city. It seems a shame to simply be named after some other Albany that is on the other side of the country. Apparently, Albany was once named Ocean View, but wanted to distinguish itself from other districts of the same name.
    I think it’s time to choose a new name for Albany that will show that it truly is unique. A perfect name would be Gorgonia. Gorgons are, in one respect, terrible monsters, but symbols of the beasts are used to ward off the “evil eye.” Just as the town of Hercules has shown its strength in keeping Wal-Mart out of its borders, Albany has successfully warded off unnecessary development.
    Gorgonia was also a Patron Saint, and is a type of sea fan. Those tidbits only make the name that much more appealing.
    Let me know if there is any paperwork I ought to submit to officially suggest this change.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Sweet Pain

Dr. Prakeshkumar Shah
Mount Sinai Hospital Research Ethics Board
600 University Avenue, Room 1003b
Toronto, ON
M5G 1X5

Dear Dr. Shah:

    I was pleased to read more good news about breast milk today. Your research reportedly has shown that mothers’ milk may alleviate pain in babies. This information will be a great comfort to mothers who themselves often go through equal or greater pain vicariously when watching their little ones suffer the ordeal of injections and other minor procedures.
    I wonder whether breast milk would alleviate pain in adults. Your study explains that the sweetness of breast milk might be a factor in its positive effect. I would love to use this excuse to ask my dentist for a doughnut next time he brings out the big needle, but I imagine that would not go over very well.
    Breast milk is also a much more appealing painkiller than a recent alternative that has been discovered. It appears that the venom of a certain sea snail can be harvested and used for the purpose of pain management. As a vegetarian I don’t think I would want to ingest that tonic anyway.
    Thanks for doing your part to increase people’s awareness of the benefits of nursing.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Better Than A Magic 8-Ball

Professor Dr. Chris Snijders
Fac. Technologie Management
Eindhoven University of Technology
P.O. Box 513
5600 MB Eindhoven
Netherlands

Dear Professor Snijders:

    I have just learned of your fascinating research from which you have concluded that computer models often make management-level decisions better than humans do. I am writing to inquire as to how soon this technology might be available to the average person.
    As a rather indecisive person, I find that I waste a great deal of energy researching the best solution to a problem when ultimately I rely on my instincts. Some would argue that this is the best solution, but with this method comes an uncomfortable level of risk of regrets. It is difficult enough making day to day decisions for myself, but I am now responsible for making every relevant decision that apply to the well-being of my small child.
    It would be a welcome relief, once in a while at least, to turn over the decision-making to a logical-minded computer. I realize that this will be cost-prohibitive for a number of years. Perhaps you could start an advice column in which you respond to letters in a “Dear Abby” style, but applying your technology where most advice columnists use their own fallible judgment. Let me know -- I’ll be your first client.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Can't Touch This

Allerca, Inc.
PO Box 127544
San Diego, CA 92112-7544

Dear Sir or Madam:

    As someone who has always been allergic to any creature bearing fur, I find your product fascinating. I can not say, however, that I would purchase one of your hypoallergenic felines.
    This is not because I am opposed to breeding “designer cats,” as people breed animals for certain traits all the time. It is not because animal shelters are full of cats that are waiting to be adopted before they are put down, as these cats are most certainly not hypoallergenic and therefore are not being denied space in a potential home.
    After more than three decades of avoiding contact with animals, I simply can not bring myself to touch them, even when I can. I have been around a couple of hypoallergenic dogs, and although I adore animals, petting them feels completely unnatural. I think about it and get a feeling as if I’m driving out of a parking lot that has one of those rows of metal retractable teeth on the ground and I am about to back my car up while looking at a “severe tire damage!” sign.
    I can only assume I am not alone in feeling this way. I anticipate that there will soon be a whole new branch of psychotherapy designed to get people over their animal-aversion-due-to-allergies.
    I have a question for you. On your web site, you state in your “cat facts” column that “a cat’s brain is more similar to a man’s than that of a dog.” Is the cat’s brain also more similar to a man’s brain than to a woman’s brain? I am guessing it’s the lounge-around-in-sunbeams gene that would make this so. And maybe the ability to remain amused by a string waved around on a stick.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Contempt

Judge Eileen Gallagher
Cuyahoga County Common Pleas Court
1200 Ontario Street
Cleveland, Ohio 44113-1678

Dear Judge Gallagher:

    I have come across a couple of news accounts of the recent instance in which you dismissed the case of an accused child-rapist because the prosecutor was forty-five minutes late.
    My initial reaction was outrage that you would let a sex offender go free due to the tardiness of one of the players in the case. Once I saw the transcript of your interview with Bill O’Reilly, and discovered that he had just the same reaction, I knew I had to rethink my position. If I ever find myself in agreement with Mr. O’Reilly, there must be something terribly wrong.
    It’s been reported that you have accused the prosecutor of “judge shopping.” While I certainly would not wish to hinder the work of a prosecutor who is seeking justice for a victim of such a heinous crime, this practice sounds rather unfair.
    I am generally curious about the criminal justice system, but the more I investigate cases that interest me, the more I discover what seems to be various levels of corruption. I am assuming that as a judge you have a good deal of faith in the system. Do you, however, feel that the criminal justice system is in need of reform in any way?

Truly,

Liz Mann

Elevated (Read "Lifted") Prose

John M. Barrie, Ph.D.
President/ CEO
iParadigms, LLC
1624 Franklin Street, 7th Floor
Oakland, CA 94612

Dear Mr. Barrie:

    I just learned about your fabulous computer program that uncovers plagiarism in student papers (Thompson). I found the article about your product and recent highly-publicized discoveries intriguing for a number of reasons. I am currently teaching composition at a community college, and just recently have been grappling with issues of plagiarism by students. Perhaps I can convince the institution I work for to subscribe to your service.
    I was rather disgusted a few weeks ago when I read of the terribly insensitive things Ann Coulter said about 9/11 widows, so I was delighted to learn that you have busted her for plagiarism. Thompson refers to a speech of Hillary Clinton’s that you checked and in which found offenses. That brings up the question, however: are speeches held to a different standard? One would not necessarily pause to cite sources in the middle of an address.
    Another reason I feel an affinity for you and your work is that we are in the same neighborhood. As you have been accused of, I, too, am a graduate of the “People’s Republic of Berkeley.”
    In my teaching I have been completely baffled by the fact that many students enter college simply not knowing what plagiarism is. Have you found this to be the case as well? My surprise, of course, turns to disappointment when I discover that even after I clarify the matter for students, I still get papers turned in that are authored by Wikipedia.
    Thank you for enduring my ramblings. Though perhaps less than coherent, I can assure you they are my own.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Works Cited:
Thompson, Chris. “One Blowhard Down, Plenty More to Go.” East Bay Express July 12, 2006

Dispatched Here Often?

Sergeant David Thompson
Washington County Sheriff's Department
215 SW Adams Avenue
MS 32
Hillsboro, OR 97123

Dear Sgt. Thompson:

    I have just learned about the recent incident in which a citizen of your community abused the “9-1-1” emergency dispatch number in order to procure a date with an officer. This could be a symptom of a widespread problem, and I have a couple of suggestions that I hope will keep this unfortunate sort of event from happening in the future.
    Over the years a couple of new convenience numbers have appeared, namely 4-1-1 for directory assistance, and 5-1-1 for transit information. I believe there may be additional examples of this in various regions. Couldn’t a community set up an easy-to-dial number for dating options? 
    The new service could adopt the number 2-1-1, and people would remember it by thinking of “2” (a couple) starting with “1” and “1.” I think it would be a good idea for it to be exclusively designed to match up civilians with those in the police and firefighting fields.
    If you don’t think this will be approved by the necessary bureaucrats, perhaps someone could set up a web site for this purpose. There is already a site dedicated to matching up farmers. This would not be a smarmy site geared toward lonely folks who have some fetish for men or women in uniform. In fact, I believe that officers would benefit greatly from the service, as they are often required to work odd hours, and it must be difficult for some to meet potential dates.
    In light of recent events, your district should be the flagship for this concept. I am certain that it will be a success, and catch on in other communities.

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Red and the Black

Mr. Ronald King
Block 3E Church Village Garden
St. Phillip, Barbados, West Indies

Dear Mr. King:

    Congratulations on winning the U.S. checkers championship! I have not played the game in years, but after reading that you beat 385 opponents at once, I would love to witness a match of yours as a spectator.
    I have read in a couple of places that you are known as a “trash talker.” While I do not know the specifics of what trash talk you have been accused of, this made me curious about the official rules of conduct in checkers. For example, what would happen if a player was provoked by some trash talking and delivered a sudden head butt across the checker board? Has this ever happened in checkers? It caused quite a ruckus around the World Cup. It doesn’t make much sense that soccer (football) should get all the glory and publicity. But now that the World Cup is a thing of the past, perhaps checkers will have its place in the sun.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Vote While You Can

U.S. District Judge Harold Murphy
Georgia Supreme Court
244 Washington Street, SW
Suite 300
Atlanta, GA  30334

Dear Judge Murphy:

    I am writing to thank you for ruling against the proposed law that would require voters to submit a photo identification at the polls. While those who support this idea claim it would help to prevent voter fraud, it is a part of a thinly veiled plan by Republicans to disenfranchise groups of voters who are more likely to vote Democrat. They have been attempting implementation of similar tactics here in California, and who knows where else.
    Thank you for doing your part to protect Americans’ voting rights. Next step: doing away with the electronic “ballot.”

Truly,

Liz Mann