LizLetters

Blowing Smoke

Michael E. Szymanczyk, CEO
Philip Morris U.S.A.
Consumer Response Center
P.O. Box 26603
Richmond, Virginia  23261

Dear Mr. Szymanczyk:

    Congratulations on discovering new ways to keep afloat during a time when our government is basically regulating your industry toward self-destruction. I am sure I see the most prominent examples of the results of these regulations here in California, where I occasionally even forget about the existence of cigarettes until I walk outside someplace where I am more than twenty feet from a public building (and in nearby Berkeley, twenty feet from a bus stop!), and catch a whiff of that sweet smoky smell (only until it aggravates my asthma, of course).
    The antismoking zealots have gone so far as to rewrite history, removing from public view footage of cartoon icons such as Tom and Jerry smoking. But we know that Tom and Jerry did smoke. Maybe it’s not something to be proud of, but let’s not lie to the kids, shall we? There are still saving graces, however. Just when you must have been sitting around scratching your head and wondering, how am I going to profit off of this war that everyone and their mother seems to be making billions from, the Iraq soldier “Marlboro Man” appears, offering free media coverage and thus advertisement at no cost to you!
    Still, it’s better safe than sorry, and fortunately for you, you were already setting the wheels in motion to assure that you will still have customers hooked on your product for years to come. And who is the genius who thought of the simple but brilliant plan to add more nicotine to cigarettes? I bet he lives on a velvet pillow with a lifetime supply of Fancy Feast these days. You are also apparently attempting to stay just one step ahead of the regulators by protecting your overseas markets. Sure, here in the U.S. you can no longer use misleading terms like “light” and “low-tar,” but if people in other countries start realizing exactly what cigarettes do to them, you’re screwed! Fortunately, there is little danger of that. In places like France smoking is so much a part of the culture that if someone said they were quitting they would probably be deported. And in most other countries, from what I hear, there is just not much else to do but smoke. Kids would just start getting into trouble.
    Good luck. You’ve quite a row to hoe still.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Art Therapy

Teresa Swiebocka, Deputy Director
Auschwitz-Birkenau Memorial Museum
Poland

Dear Ms. Swiebocka,

    I am writing in support of Dina Gottliebova Babbitt’s attempt to recover her paintings that you have in your museum. I hope that you will reconsider your refusal to give them up.
    I understand that the paintings depicting Gypsy prisoners are very important to your museum, and they play a part in the telling of a story that needs to be told and seen. Couldn’t you, though, display reproductions of the paintings and reunite the originals with their creator? Viewing these images is surely a part of the healing process for the visitors to your museum. It seems that the healing process for Dina Babbitt, however, is incomplete while she is separated from this part of her past.
    On the one hand I wonder whether it might be healing for her to let the artwork go, to give it to the world and perhaps thus free herself some from the horrific experience she went through. I can not, however, fathom what her relationship is to her past experience, and I feel that her desire to be at last in control of these objects should be honored. 

Truly,

Liz Mann

Life Is...

Todd Shaw, aka Too $hort
c/o Zomba Label Group
Zomba House
165-167 High Rd.
London
NW10 2SG
United Kingdom

Dear Mr. Shaw,

    I feel as though I owe you an apology, for I have been woefully unaware of how prolific your output of music has been over the past two decades. As I grew up in Oakland, I heard your music everywhere -- 90 percent of the time this was at school, repeated by friends and classmates at every opportunity they got to demonstrate the amount of our rhymes they had memorized.
    I have not followed the world of music much over the years, but was waxing nostalgic about your early work when I saw a mention of you on a celebrity gossip site. Unfortunately, this site was making reference to paparazzi not recognizing you as you exited the location of a music event. Then just today I saw a piece about you in the Chronicle, and was made aware of how much catching up I have to do: you have been keeping busy!
    I hope you will take it as a compliment when I tell you that you remind me of Elton John in some ways. Like Elton, you have been constantly working, and apparently not simply for the glory of being in the public eye. You are true to your own style, and also stay current with trends in music and culture. I read recently that Elton wants to collaborate with a “hip-hop” artist. While I understand that your music does not quite fall into that genre, I think that you and Elton could make an interesting team.  I’ll be first in line for the single.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Of Dogs And Mermen

Michael Bradley
P.O. Box 97035
149 Roncesvalles Avenue
Toronto, Canada M6R 3L0

Dear Mr. Bradley,

    I happened to find your site somewhat by accident after stumbling on a story about a wild creature you recently hit with your car, which you reportedly speculated may have been a live specimen of the mythical creature wendingo. I am unfamiliar with your work, but the story made me curious as to what your theories might be regarding other so-called mythical creatures. After all, isn’t it a matter of time before someone driving home after a night of margaritas in Tijuana slams into a chupacabra?
    The secrets of nature’s mysteries are becoming clearer ever day. I could cover a wall with the jackalope postcards I have glanced at in greasy-spoon lobbies across the Pacific Northwest. Now it looks like the creatures may have been actual jackrabbits with growths caused by the disease papilloma (for which there is now, thankfully, a vaccine). This information shattered some illusions for me, and I am looking to have my faith restored. My impression is that there in Canada, you have a greater appreciation for these lesser-seen fauna such as wendingos. I was in a natural history museum there when I was eight or so, and saw a completely convincing skeleton of a merman (who was, surprisingly, only about the size of a cat).
    Here’s to the continued search for the meaning of it all, and to safe driving, too!

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Asses In Assumptions

Philip C. Cline, Superintendent of Police
3510 S Michigan
Chicago, IL  60653

Dear Mr. Cline:

    I am writing to you in response to the story of Christina Eilman, whose tragic story has recently been made public. It is disgraceful that anyone should suffer such treatment at the hands of law enforcement.
    It is being reported that Ms. Eilman was brought in for causing a disturbance at an airport. She was allegedly left in a cell, screaming for help, for hours while her parents in California attempted in vain to communicate with the police department and let them know that their daughter suffered from bipolar disorder. Ms. Eilman was then released, alone, into one of Chicago’s worst neighborhoods, where she somehow ended up nearly dead on the ground after a seven-story high defenestration.
    This is how the story is being reported, and if any part of it is accurate, your officers are in need of some major disciplinary action as well as retraining.  Those in law enforcement should be well aware of how to identify and properly deal with people who may be suffering from a mental illness.
    I am certain that this could have happened in any of countless precincts across the country. Terrible consequences happen all too often when law enforcement officers either make assumptions about or ignore the basic needs of people whom they are taking into custody. In recent months such stories have come to light as a former New York Times reporter, a victim one night of a violent mugging, being treated as a street drunk and subsequently dying, and a fellow in Jacksonville, Florida being deprived of seizure medication while held for marijuana possession.
    People at the very least should be able to expect that their basic human rights will be protected if they find themselves under arrest. I hope that you will take measures to ensure that your citizens can hold onto this hope.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Why TV Sucks

Mark Burnett, “Survivor” Producer
c/o CBS Television
51 West 52nd Street
New York, NY 10019

Dear Mr. Burnett,

    When I first read a reference to your plan for the next season of “Survivor” I was certain it was a joke. After I saw the topic come up in subsequent news articles, I was amazed. This is surely one of the lamest moves in recent television history.
    This might be a cute idea if racism and segregation were distant memories in America. When in 2006 black students are allegedly being sent to the back of the bus, racism is alive and kicking. No matter how you spin it, this comes off as a gimmick. It does not seem at all like an attempt to celebrate our differences, but to exploit people’s curiosity about the controversial.
    You are quoted as saying that you were “smart enough to have gotten rid of every racist person in casting.” This is a rather alarming assertion. How many racist people did you have employed in casting? And how did you root them out? That could be a reality show in itself.
    Although I never considered “Survivor” to be a particularly classy show, I would not have anticipated it turning into this kind of dreck.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Let The Blind Lead

Clark T. Randt, Jr.
United States Ambassador to China
United States Embassy of Beijing, China
Xiu Shui Bei Jie 3
100600
China

Dear Mr. Randt:

    I am very concerned about the case of Chen Guangcheng, the blind human rights activist who was recently sentenced to several years in jail for publicizing such atrocities as forced late-term abortions and sterilizations.
    I have read reports that describe how President Bush brings up issues related to human rights, such as religious freedom, with Chinese President Hu, but I wonder whether more could be done to put pressure on China to take more progressive steps, such as ratifying the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights.
    I find it very confusing trying to figure out what formula the United States uses in deciding which people in the world need our troops and bombs in order to gain democratic freedoms, and which need gentle diplomatic urging. We should not sit idly by while the citizens of China are receiving such poor treatment and those who try and defend their rights are jailed.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Save The Vegas Wedding

Clark County Marriage Bureau
201 Clark Avenue
Las Vegas, NV 89155-1603

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I recently learned that in order to save money, you will be closing your marriage license office between midnight and 8 in the morning. Vegas has, of course, long been famous as the place to go to get married cheaply in the middle of the night. I use the term “cheap” here to refer only to the low cost and not to suggest anything about the marriages themselves.
    I am writing to suggest that rather than save a bit of money by limiting your service, you ought to instead be promoting the service and reminding that it is part of what makes Vegas great!
    Some may speculate that folks fall into matrimony impulsively, and often while drunk, when the option is so easily available to them. I would counter this first by saying that plenty of people make poor decisions about getting married during the cold light of day and while sober as a judge. Also, as Malcolm Gladwell points out in his popular book Blink, not all quick decisions are bad ones. When we follow our first instinctual choice, we’re often correct.
    I believe you might be able to get the government to sponsor a campaign to attract a resurgence of interest in your all-night wedding service. For some reason the feds just love weddings, and they are already spending a good deal on selling folks on the idea. You just need to ride this wave.
    My suggestion to kick off the new era of Vegas weddings is to  call upon all couples who are already engaged and can hie themselves to Vegas, and stage a midnight wedding that will break the record for the most Vegas weddings in one night. What is the record for this, anyway?
    I do hope you will consider my suggestions. Don’t give up on what makes your city legendary!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Vacation In Crawford?

Cindy Sheehan
c/o Crawford Peace House
9142 E. Fifth Street
Crawford, Texas 76638

Dear Ms. Sheehan,

    As of your most recent relocation of residence, we are practically neighbors! Obviously the East Bay welcomed you with open arms. I think Berkeley was in you before you were in Berkeley. I do hope you have been able to pause and enjoy the local attractions in between your many travels.
    I am writing to you today not simply with a belated welcome, but to implore you to take care of yourself. A couple of weeks ago I read that as a result of a hunger strike you ended up in the emergency room. Then just the other day you were back in the hospital having a hysterectomy (nothing to sneeze at!). You are taking on more and more (literally, in regard to your recent land acquisition in Crawford). I know you have a large support network to call upon, but I want to remind you that though you may be regarded as the mother hen for your flock of activists, you need to take it easy once in a while and come back in swinging.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Let's Roll, Whitney

Whitney Houston
c/o Brownhouse Productions
One William Morris Place
Beverly Hills, CA 90212

Dear Ms. Houston,

    You must at this moment still be in shock, for certainly you can not have missed the news that Osama Bin Laden, whose gingerbread-man-like taunts have vexed the United States government for years now, was and perhaps still is obsessed with you. The thought of this probably  makes you uncomfortable. Naturally! You may wish to even dismiss the idea as hearsay. But, Ms. Houston, you may also have heard a distant call echoing from the hollow chamber of creepiness that this news has forged. This is your call to duty.
    I am guessing that the FBI has already proposed a plan to you in which you play a decoy to coax Bin Laden out from hiding. It may just be that you are the only one who can lead us to him. That is quite a bit of responsibility. But if you have trust in the secret service to protect you as you trusted Kevin Costner in “The Bodyguard,” I am sure you will be part of a great team that could change the course of history. 
    Good luck, Ms. Houston. You are the enemy’s weakness, and our strength.

Truly,

Liz Mann