LizLetters

Odd Plan For A Plot

Paris Hilton
c/o Ms. Wendy White
250 North Canon Drive, 2nd Floor
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Dear Ms. Hilton,

    I was very sorry to read about your recent loss of your pet goat Billy. The death of a pet can truly be devastating. I must  recommend, however, that you abandon your plans to bury the goat beside Marilyn Monroe at the West Wood Village Memorial Park. I am an animal lover myself, and an advocate of animal rights, but I think that simply out of sensitivity for the families of those buried near Billy’s plot, you should reconsider your decision.
    You have been getting some negative publicity around this issue, but I think you could turn it into something positive by creating a Hollywood Pet Cemetery bearing the Hilton name. Then Billy could enjoy the company of other famous pets. This makes me wonder where celebrities generally bury their pets now... do you know?
    Anyway, I hope you’ll not take my advice as criticism. I read that you have given up wearing fur. If so, hats off! Perhaps you’re vying for Pamela Anderson’s position as PETA rep?

Truly,

Liz Mann

Randy Recruiters

S. Douglas Smith
U.S. Army Recruiting Command
1307 Third Avenue
Fort Knox, KY 40121

Dear Mr. Smith:

    If I needed another reason to doubt the competence of the members of the U.S. military, I read it today. It is being reported that over the past year, over a hundred young women have been sexually assaulted by military recruiters. I do not know how this falls into a statistical comparison with other professions, but I am guessing that this is inordinately high.
    You have been called upon to put your spin on countless stories, particularly over the past twelve months, as recruiting numbers have fallen below the military’s goals. Some have speculated that the military might be relaxing its requirements, as more people with criminal records are entering service. You have assured the public that this is merely a coincidence. The military is helping high school dropouts earn their GEDs so that they can then qualify.
    In such desperate times, it must sting a bit that so many of the military’s representatives, who are on the front lines in our high schools and malls bringing in the fresh new fighters, are raping potential recruits. Over the past couple of decades it has become commonplace for employers to require members of their staff to participate in sexual  harassment education programs. I assume that the military does this as well. I would recommend that this sort of education should have special attention focused on it, not only in light of the rogue recruiters’ actions, but after seeing the horrors that our soldiers have committed in war zones.
    I would go so far as to say each member of the military ought to go through intense psychological screening. This may be cost prohibitive, and I imagine it may decimate the military's population, as the mentality of those who willingly sign up most likely points toward an inevitable encounter in which the member of the military feels the need to wield power over one who is vulnerable.
    Your organization needs to do some soul-searching. Why are so many people of dubious mental states entering the military? Of those who remain on “good behavior” while enlisted, how many snap when they return to civilian life? This issue requires a great deal more than simply putting a spin on it and glossing it over.

Truly,

Liz Mann

W's Warrantless Wiretapping

President-As-Inaugurated George W. Bush
c/o The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Mr. Bush:

    While I have found many actions and decisions of your administration audacious beyond belief, I am particularly flummoxed by your response to the federal court ruling against your wiretapping program. At a time when you should be apologizing to the American people, you are talking of appeals to the decision.
    Even before the official ruling, it was quite clear that your methods of tapping Americans’ phone calls without warrants violated the Constitution. Your actions fall into the same category as former president Nixon’s, and bring disgrace to the office of President. You are quoted as saying that people “who herald this decision simply do not understand the nature of the world we live in.” Someone who would appeal this decision, however, simply does not understand the Constitution and the basic principles upon which our country was formed.
    The proper thing for you to do at this point is to step down. You display an arrogance that brings about increasingly dangerous results. Please do the right thing and resign.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Elephantine Experiments

Dr. Narumi Ogonuki
c/o RIKEN BioResource Center
3-1-1 Koyadai, Tsukuba
Ibaraki 305-0074
Japan

Dear Dr. Ogonuki,

    When I first read that there may be a way to recover sperm from frozen wooly mammoths of yore and use the thawed sperm to impregnate modern Asian elephants, my first reaction was close to horror. I imagined that the offspring of such a pairing would be much too large for the elephant to have a comfortable delivery. It was not until I did a little research on the matter that I learned that wooly mammoths were about the same size as Asian elephants. I have been one of those folks who were misguided by the fact that “mammoth” as a word has come to describe the gigantic.
    I am still a bit concerned, though, and would like some assurance that whoever is planning on conducting this little experiment is committed to responsible breeding. Even if the hybrid is not prohibitively large, I wonder whether a mother elephant might not reject a youngster who came out “wooly.” Are there surrogate biologists in the wings prepared to put on hairy elephant suits and raise the calf as their own?
    Maybe this discovery has some sort of potential benefit to science. I don’t know. But I do hope this is not a case of scientists using animals as playthings and doing fancy things simply because they can.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Keep Running

Zachary Running Wolf
2124 Kittredge Street
Berkeley, CA 94704

Dear Mr. Running Wolf:

    Although I am not a voter in Berkeley, I am intrigued by your bid for the office of mayor. The city could certainly use a leader who represents the spirit of its history of activism.
    I read a couple of pieces linking you to the graffiti that blesses countless stop signs around Berkeley, on which “driving” is added under the word “stop.” In the article I saw, you reportedly denied responsibility for the deeds even when you were sporting the tools that would be necessary to carry out the paint jobs. As I have no direct experience with Berkeley’s finest, I can not say what the appropriate action would be in that situation. But in the interest of transparency and honesty, I would advise you to freely admit all acts of culture-jamming that you may have been involved with. If you have done this already, please ignore my advice.
    In a somewhat relate matter, I hope that if you do win the mayorship, that you will be able to effect some change in the Bay Area’s public transportation system. Without drastic improvements, we will not get enough people out of their cars (myself included, I am sorry to say) to make a difference. Good luck in the election!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Pro-Choice

Abraham Cherrix
7721 East Side Drive
Chincoteague, VA  23336

Dear Mr. Cherrix:

    Congratulations on winning your court case! You are free to choose or refuse whatever treatment you wish in your battle against cancer.
    I understand that those in the medical field wish to offer the most effective known treatment to patients, especially in life-threatening situations, but at what point does it become okay to insist that a patient undergo a certain treatment? This is a question that you have apparently been faced with directly for some time now.
    There is a natural impulse to protect the young when they may not be able to make the “right” decisions for themselves. You seem to be quite informed and able to make a rational decision. I assure you, though, that folks of all ages are receive treatment other than what they would like. Women in childbirth are rushed off to unnecessary c-sections. An eighty year old woman in Iowa recently got a tattoo that reads “do not resuscitate” on her chest. But if it came down to it, what paramedic would pause before performing CPR on her?
    Your case has brought to light not only the issue of one being in charge of one’s own medical decisions, but also the public’s impulsive rejection of alternative therapies. I have no idea whether you have made the right decision, and even if I had an opinion on the matter, it is not for me to judge. I wish you well, and I hope to read more good news about you in the future.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Raking The Muck

Leah Berlanga, Financial Investigator
San Francisco Department of Child Support Services
617 Mission Street
San Francisco, CA 94105

Dear Ms. Berlanga:

    What an unusual situation you are in! I just read that your ex-husband is running for city council in Daly City, as you yourself are. From what you describe, he is doing this simply to harass you.
    I must admit that my first impulse was to give him the benefit of the doubt -- after all, he has been involved in politics before. Perhaps he simply wanted to offer a friendly challenge. You make a compelling argument however, that this is not the case, particularly since he apparently told you point blank that he was going to make attempts to embarrass you publicly.
    My purpose in writing, as I am not a voter in your district, is to offer what encouragement I can. If anything I find your story to be inspiring rather than any cause for embarrassment. You are displaying courage and determination, and the ability to rise above the smallness of others’ behavior. I wish you luck in the election.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Gates For Girls

Bill Gates
1835 73rd Ave., NE
Medina, WA 98039

Dear Mr, Gates:

    I am writing to let you know that I was pleasantly surprised at your recent feminist comments in relation to the international AIDS crisis. I admire your continued contributions to such important causes, and your statements at the recent international comference on AIDS demonstrates that your commitment goes far beyond simply writing a check; you have valuable ideas that could help the progress of the battle against this disease.
    You are quoted as saying that “a woman should never need her partner’s permission to save her own life.” This is a powerful statement, and I hope that you can encourage government agencies to make medical resources more widely available in developing countries. We have a lot of catching up to do after so many years of neglecting this problem.
    The task of empowering women in protecing their own health seems as challenging as battling AIDS itself, particularly in countries where huge cultural shifts would be necessary in order for both men and women to see women’s bodies as the property of the woman herself. What to do in war zones where rape is commonplace? There is a long way for these women to go before many of them can realistically focus on gaining access to information about disease prevention.
    I am not, of course, telling you anything you are not already aware of, and I do not mean to focus so much on the negative aspects of this situation. Your efforts do provide some hope amid the stories of heartbreak. Thank you for your positive impact on the world community.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Indian Pop

Franklin L. Lavin
Under Secretary for International Trade
U.S. Department of Commerce
1401 Constitution Ave. NW
Washington, DC 20230

Dear Mr. Lavin:

    Based on a recent BBC news report, it seems as though you have been giving India a hard time for banning soft drinks in several of their regions. Apparently a nongovernmental organization is alleging that it has detected harmful levels of pesticides in Coke and Pepsi drinks, reconfirming similar findings from a study three years ago. The soda companies as well as the Indian Soft Drinks Manufacturers Association are denying the claims, although the article does not mention an alternate study that brings solid evidence to the table that the drinks do not indeed contain pesticides.
    Certainly this matter warrants additional independent studies before jumping to any conclusions. One would not wish to jeopardize either healthy business relationships or the health of India’s people; why not reach an objective and definitive conclusion before chastising a country’s leadership for making a decision that, although possibly premature, has obviously been made in the interest of the people?
    This issue makes me wonder whether we are employing a double standard as well as ignoring another glaring problem. In recent years here in the United States, we are becoming increasingly aware of the potential health risks that can result from the regular consumption of sodas. This has led many schools to ban sodas from their campuses. Yet there has been very little backlash. In fact, the decisions are often applauded and portrayed favorably by the media. And this is simply about the health risks of soda itself, without mention of pesticides at all.
    To point to this ban in India and say to their trade officials that it may harm their hopes for future American investments is a low blow and simply unfair. I understand, though, that it is quite difficult to see how an issue affects the people until you remove the dollar signs from your eyes.

Truly,

Liz Mann

CC: Ms. Kiran Pasricha
Senior Director
Federation of Indian Chambers of Commerce and Industry
1050 17th Street NW Suite 600
Washington, DC 20036

Control Groups

Harvey Fineberg, President
Institute of Medicine of the National Academy
500 Fifth Street NW
Washington, DC 20001

Dear Dr. Fineberg:

    I am writing to express my concern at your agency’s recommendation to loosen regulations on the use of prisoners for testing pharmaceuticals. Although the drug companies claim no part in this recent proposal, the story smacks of greed as well as blatant disregard for basic human rights. Researchers (and drug companies) already take advantage of the poor by offering financial incentives in exchange for great risks to the subject’s health. The prison population, however, must be irresistible: one can observe them around the clock, have their complete compliance and little risk of recourse from an unfavorable outcome. Could a prisoner sue the researchers if permanently disabled if he or she could not prove that the disability affected his or her “livelihood” (as s/he may not have one)?
    The health care to which inmates have access here in California has been under scrutiny for a while now, and I can’t imagine it’s much better throughout the country. A recent news report detailed how approximately one prisoner each week dies in California as a result of medical malpractice. This is only one of countless factors that would make prisoners more likely to subject themselves to testing if they thought it might mean receiving more comprehensive care, and thus it falls into the category of reasons why the relaxation of regulations is not a good idea.
    I find it extraordinarily troubling that a man like Dr. Albert Kligman, who participated in many of the experiments decades ago that permanently damaged people’s bodies and led to the formation of regulations of the practice, would say that he thinks the regulations should not have been implemented in the first place. That he justifies these practices in the name of acne treatments and is still employed as a professor is bizarre.
    The medical community’s collective memory regarding violations of human rights seems to be just slightly longer than our nation’s war makers’ memories of our past military blunders. Let’s not repeat the same offenses. People now, as then, should not be viewed as potential lab rats simply because they are forced to live in cages.

Truly,

Liz Mann