LizLetters

Jam Is The New Caviar

Mark Duerr
F Duerr & Sons
Floats Road
Roundthorn Ind. Est.,
Wythenshawe, Manchester
M239DR
England

Dear Mr. Duerr,

    I was amazed to learn about your new marmalade that you’ll be selling for approximately $10,000 per jar. I was equally surprised when I investigated information about your company and found that you are the same folks who make the Ocean Spray drinks and other ordinary everyday products. I have a suggestion for your company, and a question.
    You reportedly were going to auction off a single jar, but are considering putting the product on the market. I would suggest that you use this to promote your other products by replacing one ordinary jar of preserves out there with this gourmet stuff and telling folks that if they pop open their jam one morning and the inside of the lid is gold (or maybe they’ll just know, if the jam smells like booze), they have the one jar of 10K jam!
    Just in case I happen to be the lucky one who gets this jar, I have an important question. What could possibly be an appropriate vehicle for it? Toast is, well, sliced bread. Crackers? Are any crackers good enough? I would guess mini toasts would be the least intrusive to the jam’s flavor, but again, how could one spread 10K jam on 5 cent toast? If one wants to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, there’s a whole new set of troubles! I am also very curious as to how you came up with this product. Were you bored one day and happened to have a bottle of 60K Whyte & Mackay whisky to splash into a vat of jam?
    Although I’m not in the market for such an expensive condiment, let me know if you start packaging it in the small peel-top size they serve at diners.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Testing Testosterone

Professor Phillipe Rushton
Psychology Department
University of Western Ontario
1151 Richmond Street, Suite 2,
London, Ontario
Canada
N6A 5B8

Dear Professor Rushton,

    I read about your recent study that supports the idea that men are smarter than women. I do not claim to know whether this is true or false, but I am writing to point out a potential problem with your conclusions. The report I read cites Virginia psychologist Bruce Bracken’s argument that your subject sample may have been unbalanced, and may not have taken into consideration a number of variables, such as the higher number of women choosing to go to college than men. If more men were trying to get into college and taking the SAT, perhaps the scores would even out.
    You do admit that the differences you found in test scores do not really show up as a disparity in intelligence in the real world. You argue, however, that it shows up “at the very high end of the distribution,” and you use as evidence the fact that ten times more men than women have won the Nobel Prize. I find this to be a shaky argument, since the reason for this more likely lies in societal factors than differences in actual intelligence.
    Universities, and certainly other venues, have seen a gender bias that I am certain goes back generations. The lack of Nobel Prize-winning women is most likely largely the fault of a culture that does not take women’s achievements seriously.
    I am curious to know what your take is on the recent finding that excess testosterone kills brain cells, while estrogen is neuroprotective.
    It may not be very scientific, but if the studies being conducted do not translate to the real world, perhaps we should start with real world examples and work backward. I would argue, for example, that activities such as crushing cars with oversized trucks and going to war are not very intelligent, and may be the result of people with too much testosterone making decisions. Men tend to seek wealth and power. It has been proven countless times that this pursuit rarely leads to more happiness, one of the main abstract elements that humans seek after food and shelter. The founder of Craigslist, with his lack of desire to “cash in,” is an example of someone (a man!) who recognizes this, as is the Russian mathematician who declined a million dollar reward for his work. These men are the exception to the rule, as most wealth-hungry CEOs and warmongering leaders are men. So could it not be seen as unintelligent to engage in ambitious male-dominated activities? There may never be a way to know any of this for sure. Just some theories I had.

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Living Room Lecture Hall

Dan Mogulof
Executive Director, Public Affairs
U.C. Berkeley
101 Sproul Hall
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear Mr. Mogulof,

    I was delighted to read that Berkeley is putting some videos of courses online. When I read a while back about Yale and some other schools posting lectures online for free, I hoped that Berkeley would some day do the same. I was an English major there a number of years ago and loved it. In a few of my classes I met people who were auditing, and I knew I would wan to do that one day. I harbored a secret desire to be a perpetual student, delaying graduation indefinitely so that I could take all of the fascinating courses I could not possibly have had time for in my two years there.
    As a full-time mother of a young child, I now find that I am not at leisure to jet off to campus and sit in on a class or two. This is one of the best ideas for uses of the internet that I have witnessed. I wonder whether there is a worry about students skipping class altogether if they can watch the lectures at home. I suppose that would not be much different than taking an online course, but I remember that this concern came up for many professors when they began putting podcasts of lectures online. Will this be the end of the campus?
    I noticed a good number of science classes in your video library; I hope you plan to add classes from a cross section of disciplines. It is nice to see that you have the lunchtime poetry series on there. Keep it up!

Truly,

Liz Mann

More Naughty Art

Nancy Lawson, Principal
Fisher Elementary School
2500 Old Orchard Road
Frisco, TX 75034

Dear Principal Lawson:

    I was dismayed to read about one of your teachers losing her job after a trip to the local art museum. It seems that Ms. Sydney McGee took some students to the Dallas Museum of Art and was later scolded about it after a parent complained that a child was exposed to nude art.
    The news report on this issue states that there may be other factors involved in the decision not to renew Ms. McGee’s contract. Regardless, it is the complaining parent who should be reprimanded in this situation.
    Nudes are quite common in the art world, and thus can be found in most art museums. It is very unlikely that a nude in a museum would fall under the category of pornography. If this case is an exception, the parent should be complaining to the museum, not the school. To keep children away from museums out of fear that they might see a depiction of the human body would be to do the children a disservice. Not only would this deprive them of the enrichment that comes from seeing art, but it would be an attempt to protect them from something that is completely natural.
    It seems as if Ms. McGee is being unduly punished. I hope she finds employment at a school that has an appreciation for children’s creativity and curiosity.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Smells Like Toddler Spirit

Demeter Fragrance
12 North Gate Road
Great Neck, NY 11023-1313

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I recently read that you have come out with a Play-Doh® scented perfume. Although I would not necessarily want to wear such a scent myself, the news did make me curious about your products. The titles in your “library” reads as oddly as a list of lipstick colors, although when choosing cosmetics one does not need to interpret names like Sizzle or Plush in confusion. One can simply look at the color. Most of your scents seem rather straight forward. I was not immediately aware, though, that “redhead in bed” was the name of a type of drink. I still do not know what “riding crop” might smell like, or “snow.”
    With a two year old in the house, I am exposed to the smells of childhood daily, and I do appreciate the spirit behind the Play-Doh® perfume. I wonder whether you have a crayon scent in the works, or red pencil. Why do the fat red pencils from kindergarten smell like nothing else? If it’s kid-slobber, please do not tell me.
    I imagine your factory to be like Willy Wonka’s. Is it so? Did you select the city of Great Neck for you company on purpose? What a coincidence that would be!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Spinning Their Wheels

Ed Galvan
Berkeley Police Department
Hall of Justice
2100 Martin Luther King Jr. Way
Berkeley, CA 94704

Dear Officer Galvan:

    I just learned of your latest crime deterrent plan in which you are supplying citizens with locks for their cars. It seems that Berkeley has an inordinate number of car thieves in its population. If your plan is effective, you will be saving the city a good deal of time and expense that would be devoted to tracking down these cars.
    I am writing with a supplemental suggestion. While increasing the security of the cars belonging to Berkeley’s citizens is admirable, it does not eliminate the risk to others’ property. Many of the would-be thieves will simply seek satisfaction in neighboring communities. You are quoted as saying that most people take cars for a joy ride and then abandon them. That is why I believe you should start a program similar to the “city car share” for these joy-riders. You could distribute a small fleet of clunkers, specially painted so that people can identify them, and leave the keys in the ignition. Local thrill-seekers who would otherwise wind up as criminals can just take one for a spin.
    I hope that you will also consider widening the scope of do-it-yourself law enforcement. If you give a select number of community volunteers badges and tasers, you can put your feet up once in a while.

Truly, 

Liz Mann

The Other Oil Crisis

Jamie Oliver
P.O. Box 51372
London
N1  7WX
England

Dear Mr. Oliver,

    I see that you are doing in England similar things to what Alice Waters is doing here in the Bay Area in California. That is, you are working to get school kids eating better food. While it comes as no shock that the kids often balk at having the usual greasy fare replaced with healthier alternatives, I was surprised to read that this type of program has met strong resistance from parents. Some apparently bring fast-food take-out to their kids at lunch!
    It must truly be difficult for these parents, for if their kids refuse to eat anything but the junk they’re used to, their parents might naturally be afraid that their kids just won’t get fed. What is a parent to do? Around here parents and educators have various opinions on the matter as well. Of course parents want their kids to eat something, and if they don’t want “gourmet food,” a pack of greasy fries (chips to you) is better than nothing, right? Some say you can provide healthy food without going overboard with the haute cuisine.
    On behalf of America, I would like to apologize for sending the plague of McDonalds and other establishments of that ilk to your shores. I recently read that the amount of cooking oil children consume in the UK due to their “crisp habits” is astounding.
    Changes are coming about slowly, and even as they do, a huge number of America’s kids are receiving poor nutrition both at school and at home. I imagine the case is very similar there. Thanks for your efforts in providing kids the opportunity to be healthier,  thus giving them better odds for future happiness and success.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Let A Smile Be Your Grenade

Francis J. Harvey
Secretary of the United States Army
1500 Army Pentagon
Washington, DC  20310-1500

Dear Mr. Harvey:

    Things get tougher for the U.S. amry in Iraq every day. For some soldiers it may seem as though the citizens of Iraq do not even appreciate the United States’ presence there.
    I think that you should take a cue from those conducting the military coup in Thailand and strongly urge your soldiers to smile. This has apparently worked quite well for those in Thailand. Just as Thailand is experiencing the “friendliest coup” ever, Iraq could have the friendliest occupation. I am sure that the soldiers are not currently rude or glum, but they could always add a little extra effort, maybe even hand out flowers here and there.
    Who knows -- maybe a few smiles could turn things around in Iraq.

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Cosby Cause

L. Douglas Wilder
900 E. Broad St. Room 201
Richmond, VA  23219

Dear Mayor Wilder:

    I just read about the slavery museum you have planned. Mr. Bill Cosby has put out a call for each American to contribute eight dollars toward the effort.
    Although he has received some criticism for statements he has made in the past year or so, particularly regarding the African American community, when Mr. Cosby speaks, I, and surely many others, listen. When I was growing up he was in my living room regularly, as one of the funniest and most respectable fathers on television. His reputation can not be shaken by a few controversial comments. On the contrary, I feel that as we get older, we have an obligation to become more outspoken, opinionated and crotchety.
    Mr. Cosby is quoted as saying he thinks that this sort of campaign is seldom successful. However, two school projects for holocaust memorials have had astounding success in recent years. One school solicited six milliopn paper clips, and more recently a school brought in a million and a half pennies.
    Although Mr. Cosby will not convince me to buy Jell-o (my diet is free of horse hooves), I feel compelled to respond to his paternal nudge and send off a few bucks for a good cause. You will find eight dollars enclosed.

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Cruising Solution

Charles Corralino
Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife
3406 Cherry Avenue N.E.
Salem, OR  97303

Dear Mr. Corralino:

    I understand that you are having trouble with your California sea lion population. I am writing to ask that you do whatever you can to prevent unnecessary killing of these animals. I believe there are solutions that could be tried before beginning “culling”.
    I do hope that this is not merely a case of discrimination against Californians. Many communities, from what I hear, have been annoyed at receiving so many transplants from California over the past few years. Whether or not this is the case, I can assure you that California would welcome our creatures home if you would supply them with a one-way ticket. The sea lions seem to enjoy a happy existence at Pier 39 in San Francisco where they can laze about in front of a captivated audience.
    Sending the sea lions might be costly, but I think that you could get that covered and even possibly turn a profit. I would suggest that you contact some cruise lines that specialize in taking tourists up and down the western coast of the U.S., and see whether they might want to take on some extra passengers that would surely be a draw for more customers. They could section off a special “sea lion deck” where the animals could be viewed from a safe and respectful distance.
    Whether this works or not, I hope that the sea lions will not suffer the gruesome fate for which they currently seem destined.

Truly,

Liz Mann