LizLetters

Getting Stuck, And A Lame Duck

Senator John Kerry
c/o Friends of John Kerry, Inc.
511 C St. NE
Washington, DC 20002

Dear Senator Kerry:

    I was glad to read about President Bush’s attack on your comments to some college students in which you warned them that if they didn’t take their educational goals seriously they could “get stuck in Iraq.” The reason I find this news favorable is because if the White House is latching onto this sliver of speech and twisting it and holding it up to scrutiny, their arsenal must be devoid of ammunition of any substance for criticizing the democrats.
    It seems that you may have been making a joke with this comment, but the prospect of being dragged into this war is certainly a valid topic to remind college students of. I would really like to think that college students are becoming aware, as we receive the depressing news from Iraq day by day, that we should not be signing even more kids up to go over there. The sad truth is that there are many students who would indeed drop it all and go fight with a small amount of persuasion.
    I imagine it is exhausting knowing that a team of spin doctors is monitoring your every word to see how they can turn it against you. Be careful out there. But don’t lose your passion and humor in the process.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Vaccines And Vixens

Rachel’s Steakhouse
401 Semoran Blvd.
Casselberry, FL 32707

Dear Rachel’s:

    What a great idea you’ve put into practice! It seems that you are offering free flu shots to your local senior citizens. It would not have occurred to me at first that a large portion of your clientele may be of a certain age, but why not? This benefits your business, of course, because it keeps your regulars healthy. Your clients are more likely to come out and get the old annual flu shot if they are somewhere fun rather than in a hospital setting. I just got my flu shot the other day, and I was, in fact, out on a date with my husband. There was no one dancing around in the buff, though, and no buffet! Next best thing: I’m going to see if I can get my teeth cleaned at the race track.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Of Play-Doh And Padded Bras

Isaac Larian, founder
MGA Entertainment
16380 Roscoe Blvd., Suite 200
Van Nuys, CA 91406

Dear Mr. Larian:

    I recently learned that, in four years, my two year old daughter will be a member of the target market for the “bralette” you sell, a padded bra geared toward girls age six to ten. Parents have expressed worry that this product contributes to the sexualization of young girls, which fuels the pedophile problem. A spokesperson for your distributor reportedly said that the bralette was designed to hide their developing breasts rather than show them off. This, too is problematic, and I fell that this sort of product will create problems for more girls than it helps.
    Although cases of “preschool puberty” do exist, girls generally are not developing breasts at this young age that warrant the purchase of a brazier. To market bras to them can make them feel that they ought to be more physically developed than they are, or it may send the message that “hey, the boobs are coming and you’d better have the right equipment to strap them down when they do.”
    I understand that your company makes no claim to be in the educational and developmental toy business. You are very clear and to the point in your company name. You are in the entertainment industry. I would think, though, that a large and successful company that has a great deal of influence over young girls would have a sense of responsibility for the messages that their products project. So which came first, the chicken or the egg? Do dolls such as your Bratz Dolls, with big eyes and  a “passion for fashion,” spark these passions in preteens? Or is the demand there already and the products are created in response to the vivid imagination of these girls?
    The thing that puzzles me the most, actually, is why the only two “settings” that are shown on the Bratz web site are a makeup vanity and a laundromat. I guess it’s all about putting on makeup and... washing your clothes? After generations of parents have tried in vain to steer their children away from the Barbie aisle out of fear that she would instill in them a longing for impossible beauty standards, it looks as though your Bratz are the new Dreaded Desire.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Molehills Out Of Mountains

Luke Popovich
National Mining Association
101 Constitution Avenue, NW
Suite 500 East,
Washington, DC 20001-2133

Dear Mr. Popovich:

    I am writing to express my disapproval of mountaintop removal in mining. I recently read that religious groups, which are increasingly becoming more outspoken stewards of the environment, have been speaking out against this practice.
    The blasting of mountaintops not only destroys the beauty of the land, but reportedly creates flooding hazards for area residents. Working in an underground mine is clearly a dangerous job. I believe that thorough measures should be taken to ensure these workers’ safety. I do not believe, however, that the fact that removing mountaintops is less risky for the workers makes it okay. Some have claimed that forbidding the practice would deny potential jobs for workers. Well, there are many ways that jobs could be created and the economy could be boosted that are not particularly good for anything else. If a factory is polluting the surrounding rivers but says that it cannot afford to clean up its operation without laying off workers, do we say, “oh, sorry, carry on then”?
    You are quoted as saying that “human welfare depends on the rational exploitation of nature.” I am very curious as to what boundaries encompass “rational exploitation.” It seems to me that the degree to which we in the developed world are burning up our nonrenewable resources has become anything but rational. What would be rational would be to pool our vast knowledge in research and technology and develop more sustainable fuel sources that mirror the balance of the ecosystem that has come to suffer so greatly under humanity’s reign.

Truly,

Liz Mann

...And No Trick-Or-Treating!

Bertram Management
26072 Merit Circle
Laguna Hills, CA 92653

To Whom it May Concern:

    I was amazed to read that your company actually enforces a policy in which children who reside at your rental properties are forbidden from playing outside or making too much noise, even fining families whose children step on grass. Not only is this a case of blatant discrimination, but when employed, the policy creates an atmosphere that could send the message to children that they are third class members of society. Not only are they to be “seen and not heard,” but they apparently should not even be seen.
    At a time when children should be encouraged more than ever to play outside and explore the natural world, it is ridiculous to keep them cooped up. I would recommend that if you are so displeased with the presence of children in your properties, you should simply make Garden Grove a child-free community. Then families can know up front that they should steer clear of your place.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Rhymes With Crayon

Crayola Crayons
c/o Binney & Smith Inc.
P.O. Box 431
Easton PA 18044-0431

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I have a very important question for you. I would like to know the proper way to pronounce the word “crayon.” I did not have the occasion to discuss crayons for many years, and once I had a child who began using them with regularity, I realized that I was pronouncing with one syllable a potentially two-syllable word. My daughter’s favorite star of the small screen, Elmo, tipped me off to this. In looking into this matter I discovered that some people say “crown.” I find myself saying something between “cran” as in cranberry, and “crain,” that would rhyme with train.
    I can not seem to bring myself to pronounce this word with two syllables. I feel as though I am trying to fake some sort of accent. If I am going to say it with an accent I would rather just say pencil in French.
    I’m not sure where I learned to butcher the pronunciation of “crayon,” but it is most convenient to blame my parents, I suppose. I will have to trick them into saying crayon when I speak to them next. That and ”quarter.”

Truly,

Liz Mann

Looking For A Leader (Reward!)

Mo Ibrahim, Chairman
Celtel International B.V.
Scorpius 2
2132 LR Hoofddorp
Netherlands

Dear Mr. Ibrahim:

    I was pleased to read about your plan to award $5 million to an African political leader who displays “excellence in leadership.” It is unfortunate that financial incentive has become necessary, but at this point one must use whatever tactic works to improve the lives of people who are currently suffering as a result of political corruption.
    Once in a while a news story crops up about protests in various African countries by people who work for one of the big oil companies, or the citizens of the communities in which the companies do business. Today it is being reported that villagers shut down some oil platforms in Nigeria. This sort of story always makes me want to boycott whatever company is supposedly exploiting its workers and making out like bandits (I already feel as though I’m a conspirator in some evil deed every time I put gas in my car). I am no fan of the oil companies in general, but as I read about the people’s complaints I almost felt sympathetic toward Shell. These oil companies employ people all across Africa. I hope the employees are fairly compensated for their labor. Of this I have no knowledge one way or the other. It seems, though, that while African countries should be enjoying the financial benefits of having so coveted a natural resource, the leaders in power are finding other things to do with the wealth before it reaches the people.
    So the people naturally look to the companies to provide what the government should be providing, even including schools. On the one hand, I wonder whether it is reasonable to expect a company to go above and beyond the normal business practices and take on pseudo-governmental roles. On the other hand, it’s a bit despicable for these corporations to do business where they know this sort of corruption is going on.
    Is there any remedy for this? I do hope incentives provided by individuals such as yourself will make a difference. It is truly amazing the amount of ruin that is caused by the lust for oil around the world.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Voting For Boobs

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
Leo W. O'Brien Federal Office Building
1 Clinton Square
Room 821
Albany, NY 12207

Dear Mrs. Clinton:

    Happy 59th birthday! This may not reach you until the festive day has passed, but I do hope you take some time off from your busy schedule to relax and celebrate. I read that the turkey who considers himself a contender against you in the Senate race made some rude comments about your appearance. You are, of course, looking fabulous, and you should not have to even entertain such notions when you (along with the rest of us, via the media) have to endure looking at the ugly mugs on so many of the men in politics whose greed and lust for power show up on their faces in the form of permanent scowls and sneers.
    While your current race will probably be a cakewalk, you must certainly be pondering strategies for your upcoming Hillary for President campaign. Since you will be doing something no woman has done before, you can write the rules as you go. I think you should surprise people by sexing up your campaign. If you want ideas on how to do this you should call up Loretta Nall who is a write-in candidate for governor in Alabama. She is blatantly exploiting her boobs in her campaign and it seems to be working out as a good strategy for her.
    No one expects cleavage from a presidential candidate. Throw America a curve ball!

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Messiah Born Every Minute

J. Gordon Melton
c/o Department of Religious Studies
University of California
Santa Barbara, CA 93106-3130

Dear Mr. Melton:

    I was quite disappointed when I recently discovered that I completely missed your job posting when you were looking to hire a new messiah a few months back. I was not aware of how many new religions crop up each year, but I am not very surprised. I read that the religious leader you selected is having a bit of a rough time getting started. Gathering disciples is indeed probably more difficult than it sounds. I think it would be easier on the West Coast than in New York, though. They’re just so cynical out there.
    If, in the future, you feel that the East Bay would be a good spot to start up a religion, I wouldn’t mind giving it a go. The Berkeley area is rife with folks who need something to believe in. I’m thinking of forming a religion based on looking for signs in absolutely everything you see. In the meantime, perhaps I’ll join the new “Church of Now” you’re studying. Do they have a brochure?

Truly,

Liz Mann

Right Of Passage

David O’Reilly, CEO
Chevron Headquarters
6001 Bollinger Canyon Rd.
San Ramon, CA 94583, U.S.A.

Dear Mr. O’Reilly:

    Several months ago I visited scenic Point Molate, which is near your Richmond refinery, with my family. It is a lovely place to visit, and a few weeks later my husband and his friend decided to go on a bike ride out there. He was hesitant to let me know that he would be riding his bike on the freeway for a stretch, as he assumed correctly that I would not be happy about the idea. I have driven along that segment of freeway approaching the Richmond/San Rafael bridge many times and it is quite obvious to me that it is no place for a person on a bike or a pedestrian. I did not even believe him at first when he told me that bicyclists were allowed on there. He assured me that the “bike lane” was plenty wide and that people do utilize this access to Point Molate frequently (as there is no other pedestrian/bike access).
    Their trip was uneventful, but my worries were justified recently when Dan Weinstein was struck by a car and killed on that stretch of freeway. It has been reported that while the community has requested that your company provide safe passage for bicycles and pedestrians, you refuse, claiming that to do so would compromise the security of your operations. Indeed you have quite a focus on security and safety there, with your TOP program (Triangle of Prevention) and your SMART project (Save Money and Reduce Toxins). I would like to recommend that you create a BBB project (Bike-Buick-Barrier). I believe that with the collective brain power of your top engineers, you can come up with a structure that will protect neighbors who wish to pass by your refinery while still ensuring the safety of the refinery as well.

Truly,

Liz Mann