LizLetters

AWID: Absent While In Debt

Citibank Customer Service
P. O. Box 6500
Sioux Falls, SD 57117

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I would like to share with you an idea I have for a new marketing campaign. I have noticed that in your “Live Richly” advertising campaign you focus on people utilizing their credit cards and banking tools to improve their quality of life. My suggestion is consistent with this philosophy.
    The United States military is apparently keeping troops from serving overseas if they have too much debt. They fear that these individuals could be “security risks,” distracted by their financial troubles and also more likely to “sell secrets or equipment.” This opens up a huge opportunity for lenders such as yourself to appeal to potential customers who do not wish to fight in overseas wars. This could apply to current military personnel and reservists as well as young folks who have a lingering worry in their minds about a possible future draft. If they keep finding new reasons to keep people from becoming soldiers I suppose they’ll have to institute the draft one of these days.
    The place to start with this campaign, of course, will be college campuses. You could set up a stand right next to the army recruiters! If you get enough of the American people to accrue debt that amounts to forty percent of their incomes, we may have to cancel the war altogether!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Where's The Sisterhood?

Sister Lenore Pochelski, President    
Marian High School
7225 Lahser Road
Bloomfield Hills, MI 48301

Dear Sister Pochelski,

    I am writing to convey my support for former campus safety officer Charlene Genther, who was reportedly fired from her job at your school for revealing publicly that she is gay in an autobiography.
    From what Genther describes, the fact that she is a lesbian has been no secret; she has attended school functions with her partner. It seems as though the school has thus far adopted a policy that lies somewhere between “don’t ask don’t tell” and ignoring the elephant in the living room.   
    Discrimination against someone based on sexual orientation is disgraceful. I hope you will reconsider your decision. If Ms. Genther is a dedicated, hard working employee, it makes no sense to deprive her of her livelihood or to deprive the students of her services.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Inconceivable

Daniel F. Kellogg, Circuit Judge, Division IV
Judicial Circuit 5
Buchanan County Courthouse
411 Jules Street, St. Joseph, Missouri 64501

Dear Judge Kellogg:

    I was very surprised to read that you have ordered a young woman not to get pregnant. Based on the reported details about Mandy Nelson’s case, it seems that it would behoove her not to become pregnant again any time soon, but I do not see it as the court’s place to set this restriction on an individual any more than it would be okay to forbid or require an abortion.
    Based on the other stipulations in her sentence, such as continuing her education and performing community service, your decision suggests that you genuinely care about Ms. Nelson and her future. Ordering her not to get pregnant, however, sets a poor precedent. With reproductive rights under frequent attack in this country, the courts should be stepping back from telling women what to do with their bodies.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Running Scared

Gaylene Heppe, Principal
Willett Elementary School
32 Watson Avenue
Attleboro, MA 02703

Dear Mrs. Heppe:

    I just heard of your attempts to ban “unsupervised chase games,” such as tag, during recess at your school. This decision reportedly results from a fear that children may sustain injuries as a result of reckless self-propulsion and that might trigger a lawsuit against the school.
    As much as the current leadership of this country would like you to believe the contrary, fear is not a good basis for making important decisions. In this case, fear of imagined repercussions has led you to ignore what is best for the children in favor of what you see as being best for the school. Yes, a child might skin a knee while playing tag at recess. But a child might also develop a respiratory infection after pounding chalk dust out of erasers. What can you let a child do that is completely risk free?
    I hope that you at least have a plan to incorporate games into the children’s day that involve running. With childhood obesity on the rise and more young people developing diabetes, the last think kids need is to be told to stay still. Making them run laps in P.E. does not count. A kid will probably run the equivalent of a mile without even thinking about it if he or she is having fun. From my own memories of school, even one lap around a track is often torture.
    Please keep the children’s needs in mind while making your policies.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Walking Boots: Aisle Five

Rosie Larosa, Department Manager
c/o Wal-Mart Supercenter Store
9300 N.W. 77th Avenue
Hialeah Gardens, FL 33016

Dear Ms. Larosa,

    I am writing to tell you I admire your brave efforts to organize your employees and fight back against unfair labor practices. The walkout at your Wal-Mart location was apparently the first of its kind, with about two hundred people protesting changes such as reduced work hours.
    It is no secret that Wal-Mart executives place profits at a priority over the people who work in the stores. In recent months various communities have tried to prevent the retailer from moving in. The company has been slowed down here and there, but local attempts to use or change legislation against big-box stores will not reign in this oversized beast. When positive change does occur, it will be due to the efforts of people like you, and the actions of those who are being exploited to their breaking point.
    I wish you success and I hope that your walkout inspires more workers to organize for change.

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Strict Ballroom

Shana Kemp
National Association of Secondary School Principals
1904 Association Drive
Reston, VA 20191-1537

Dear Ms. Kemp:

    I am writing in response to the information being reported in the Los Angeles Times regarding parents’ concerns about students engaging in a dance style known as “freaking.” I have distinct memories of how horrified parents and administrators were at the kids doing the “freak” at my junior high school dances two decades ago. I also remember that I frequently marveled at how uptight and conservative most adults seemed. When I looked around at my classmates I noted that few seemed conservative or uptight and I thought, “Ah, I can’t wait until my generation comes of age. No more fuddy-duddies. Grown-ups will finally be cool.” Alas, somehow a large population of new fuddy-duddies was bred and is now trying to rain on the parade of the next batch of youngsters.
    School dances should be safe places. No one should be subjected to unwanted advances or touching. However, it does the kids no good to simply tell them that expressing their sexuality is wrong and therefore prohibited. A school dance is a tricky thing.  You set up a social situation, but it takes place at an educational institution and is chaperoned. There are rules, as there are in the light of day in classes. Rather than focusing so much on what is allowed and what is forbidden, I believe that the educators should be focusing on educating the students about sex and about respecting themselves and one another. With these kids the dye is cast. They are going to continue to dance provocatively, perhaps with more gusto when told not to. Rather than build a brick wall to stop a runaway buggy, how about teaching the kids how to steer?

Truly,

Liz Mann

Get The Kinks Out At The Zoo

Amy Phelps-Kinzley, Zookeeper
Oakland Zoo
9777 Golf Links Road
Oakland, CA 94605

Dear Ms. Phelps-Kinzley,

    Congratulations on winning the Excellence in Zookeeping award! I was fascinated to read about your special giraffe massaging technique. I have always had mixed feelings about zoos, as I’d rather see animals enjoying their natural environments than being cooped up in cages. I do have fond memories, however, of my many trips to the Oakland Zoo as a child. Despite a severe allergy to fur, I always insisted on taking full advantage of the petting zoo. More than the discomfort of sneezing my head off I remember the joy of feeding green pellets to goats from ice cream cones.
    Until today I had not heard much about animal massage. I am well aware of the power of massage, as my daughter insists on one every night and it puts her to sleep pretty well. I have heard of alligators enjoying a tummy rub now and then, but I wonder now what other animals would benefit from this practice. Your husband reportedly works with the elephants. Has he tried to massage them yet? Could the tigers be tamed with a rubdown?  The snakes must get sore muscles now and then as well. Is there a special area of zoology devoted to massage therapy for critters? If not, there should be!
    I have not yet brought my two-year-old to the zoo, but I am looking forward to doing so soon. Do you have giraffe massaging times for a public audience?

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Other Night In Paris

Robert A. Iger, CEO
Walt Disney Company
500 South Buena Vista Street
Burbank, CA 91521

Dear Mr. Iger:

    I just learned that several of your longtime employees, including Mickey Mouse himself, are featured in an underground sex tape that has recently gone public. This matter requires delicate handling, as your operation has a wholesome image to protect. I am writing to you, though, to ask that you go easy on the parties involved, as we are all vulnerable to temporary lapses of good judgment. Individuals who have been in the high pressure business of entertainment as long as your lovable crew, undoubtedly feel the need to let off some steam once in a while.
    I am guessing that the whole episode was probably instigated by Goofy, and he is most likely the reason it was also caught on tape. It sounds like a sad case, really. Goofy has lived in Mickey’s shadow for decades. He has had to live with the name “Goofy” all this time as well. He has simply adopted the same strategy that so many others have after being denied A-list or even B-list celebrity status. People who have wanted to rekindle or jump start careers in Hollywood, including Kid Rock and Dustin Diamond (a.k.a. Screech) have released sex videos hoping that doing so might create the same kind of buzz that afforded Paris Hilton her time in the spotlight.
    You can’t blame poor Goofy for wanting to come out of the wings and be the star for once. I do hope that his intention was not simply to bring Mickey down in a career-damaging scandal. I don’t think that was his intention. I’m not sure he’s even capable of that sort of malice. But I do think that he made a bad decision and should be forgiven. I hope you can find it in your heart to do so.

Truly,

Liz Mann

My Dear Senators 3

Senator Dianne Feinstein
331 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC  20510

Dear Senator Feinstein:

    I am writing because I believe you should try to get legislation passed that would require parents to be notified if government officials wish to detain or question minors. I read a report today about a fourteen-year-old girl in Sacramento who was pulled out of her classroom and “yelled at” by federal agents because several months ago she posted a picture of Bush on her Myspace page on which she wrote a “threat” against the president.
    It must have been fairly obvious that there was no immediate threat from this teenager or she would have received a visit much sooner. But the government apparently did not want to cross her off of their Scold and Intimidate list.    
    Our government needs some lessons in basic human psychology. Young Julia Wilson was not intimidated enough to cease and desist speaking out against the current U.S. regime. On the contrary, she was inspired to organize like-minded people. More and more mothers, day by day, are feeling the rage inspired by getting news that their children are dying in a war that never should have started. They feel the call to action. I’m just guessing that the family members of the folks our military personnel have been killing in Iraq and elsewhere are feeling a similar stirring. But hey, I’ve only taken Psych 101.
    I digress. My point here is that Ms. Wilson should have been explicitly given the option to have her mother, or some other adult of her choice, present while she was questioned. I understand that there is a bill lying around somewhere that would require parents to be notified in these circumstances. Somebody should pick it up.

Truly,

Liz Mann

CC: Senator Barbara Boxer

Scream Softly, Please

Bill Higdon, Event Manager   
The University of Tennessee
205 Thompson-Boling Assembly Center And Arena
1600 Phillip Fulmer Way
Knoxville, TN 37996-4600

Dear Mr. Higdon:

    I am writing in support of Victoria Caldwell, whose exuberance will likely prevent her from attending any more UT football games. Although it seems she is getting a great deal of support from other fans, I can’t imagine she will want to return to her season ticket seat and be surrounded by the people who complained about her loud cheering.
    You were the messenger delivering the concerns of her neighbors who were unhappy with her loud and repetitive cheers. However, rather than simply asking her to tone it down, you should have been offering her a job as a one woman spirit squad! She would not have to don a skimpy skirt or a stifling mascot outfit to perform the duties involved, but would need an all-access pass to the various parts of the stadium.
    I am not particularly interested in football myself, but I am a baseball fan, and have many fond memories of attending Oakland Athletics games at the Coliseum as a child. At many of these games I recall seeing a fellow they called Krazy George (inventor of “the wave”!) standing on the dugouts making noise and getting everyone excited. He was often the most memorable part of a game (no offense to the ballplayers). Victoria could follow in his footsteps and use her energy to create contagious enthusiasm rather than annoy a few neighbors. I am sure Mr. George would be difficult to sit next to if you tethered him to one seat for an entire game.
    Your team is missing out on a great opportunity. I hope you’ll ask Victoria back to your stadium.

Truly,

Liz Mann