LizLetters

A Reply To Iran

H.E. Dr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
c/o United States Embassy “Iranian Interests Section”
2209 Wisconsin Avenue NW
Washington DC 20007

Dear President Ahmadinejad:

    Thank you for the letter of November 29th to The American People. I was not aware that you had been awaiting a reply to a letter to President Bush from many months ago. It is simply rude of him not to at least send you a little note stating that he is too busy to send an adequate reply. I hope he at least reads your blog!
    I am no expert in international relations, but I believe that transparency and open communication are essential to making progress in diplomacy. Your open letter, while dismissed by the White House as a publicity stunt, was laudable as an attempt to encourage dialogue. Our leaders in Washington do not tend to enjoy criticism of their policies, particularly from other countries. But it is healthy and necessary for the United States, as well as all nations, to be held up to scrutiny and to be challenged.
    It would not be productive, however, to simply hold up a mirror to a nation and tell it to have a good gander at all of its flaws. Rather than simply point out what is lacking in America, I hope you will endeavor to provide a positive example. Continued cooperation, transparency and communication on your part will foster improved relations in the future.

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Dogs (& Fish & Bees) Of War

Vegan Outreach
P.O. Box 38492
Pittsburgh, PA 15238-8492

Dear Madam or Sir:

    Although I have not made the leap from vegetarian to vegan, I have a great deal of respect for those who commit to the animal-friendly diet and lifestyle. As the world “progresses” I am always curious curious about where the line is drawn for vegans. For example, if a vegan is prescribed medication and the only company that makes this medication engages in animal testing, what is the vegan to do?
    More recently I have been wondering what the vegan stance is on use of animals in the war on terror. For many years, dolphins have been used by the military, with mixed response from the public. More recently, rats have been trained to locate land mines in Africa, special fish have been hired that will cough if the area’s drinking water is compromised, and bees are being trained to sniff out bombs.
    I understand that strict vegans do not wear silk because it is the result of forced animal labor, and do not eat honey for the same reason. We can certainly get along without eating and wearing animals. But I am torn on the use of animals for some of the above mentioned reasons. Perhaps if no one objects now, the United States will deploy retired greyhounds to fight in Iraq once we run out of troops to send. If nothing else this gives us all the more reason to work toward peace so that we do not require the services of these noble creatures.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Lost His Lucky Charms

Ron Engeldinger
Dean of Student Affairs
The Art Institute of Portland
1122 NW Davis Street
Portland, OR 97209

Dear Mr. Engeldinger:

    I am writing to ask that you review the case of student Bob Averill from an objective standpoint and allow him to continue his education at your fine institution. A news report that I saw today describes an incident in which a student took offense at something Mr. Averill said about her spirituality. An outspoken atheist, Mr. Averill apparently made a flippant remark about his fellow student believing in leprechauns. This may have been poor judgment on his part, but I do not think it warrants his dismissal from school. The report suggests that his “aggressive” behavior in his attempts to defend himself following a four-day suspension.
    I spent many years in various academic institutions and I have witnessed some rather tense discussions between students, as well as between students and instructors. Things blow over. People move on. To cut off the trajectory of a student’s academic career is extraordinarily harsh. Particularly in an art school, I would expect that many of these students, just entering adulthood, are learning how to “be” in the world, and testing their boundaries, and of course feeling very passionately about the ideas that they’re forming and all they’re discovering. If your institution is not set up to handle this sort of interpersonal drama, then I believe you should prepare your faculty and staff for this sort of thing in the future.
    I would suggest also that the instructor for the course in which this incident took place should accept some responsibility. According to the report that I read, students had “finished” and were chatting “until class was over.” When teaching college-level courses I make every effort to keep the students engaged for the full designated class time. If I let class out early, class is out. I have not encountered the situation described, in which students are sitting around twiddling their thumbs in wait of some form of dismissal bell, since high school. If the instructor was present, he or she should have been active in the conversation and helped to mediate potentially volatile remarks. If class was over, then this is a personal issue and while Mr. Averill should be encouraged to apologize, academic consequences are not appropriate.
    I hope you will review this student’s case and offer him another chance.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Plain Old Soap Opera Life

Carolyn Hinsey, Editor
Soap Opera Weekly
260 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10016

Dear Ms. Hinsey:

    I have never fallen victim to the common addiction that is daytime soap operas, though I understand they provide a powerful draw. One of my literature professors at Berkeley even admitted to taping a soap daily. My curiosity was aroused today, however, by a statement that was attributed to you in a recent news story.
    The show “All My Children” is set to have a character who is undergoing surgery to transform from a man into a woman. It will be a first for television and hopefully expand the awareness of the show’s viewers. You are quoted as seeing this as “desperate,” that the show’s producers are trying a bunch of new stunts to increase ratings. My question to you as someone who knows the business of soap operas very well is: how does one distinguish between a desperate attempt and, well, normal soap opera stuff? I read recently about a much-publicized reunion between the two characters Luke and Laura on “General Hospital.” Apparently her character has died and been brought back to life, and they have gone through all sorts of other situations that you don’t usually hear about while hanging around the barber shop.
    I thought soap operas were famous for characters going in and out of comas and plotlines taking the most incredible twists and turns imaginable. Sex reassignment surgery seems almost tame compared to some of them. So I just wondered what stands out about it to you to call it out as desperate.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Beware The Doves Of Satan

Bob Kearns, Property Owners Association President
855 Saddleback Drive
Pagosa Springs CO 81147

Dear Mr. Kearns,

    By now I have read enough about planned communitites and homeowners associations to make me never wish to be a part of one, but the infraction you are charging Ms. Lisa Jensen with is among the most ludicrouis I have seen. She is simply displaying a peace sign in her Christmas wreath. Residents have apparently interpreted this as her speaking out against the war in Iraq and as a Satanic symbol. One may as well say that any Christmas decoration is hostile toward non-Christian neighbors (I assume you allow those).
    To automatically jump to the conclusion that a peace sign must be directed against the United States’ efforts in Iraq is extremely narrow-minded. At least it acknowledges that anti-war people are for peace and not just “on the side of terrorists.” But I do not see what is wrong with the symbol. Is it wrong to desire for the conflict in Iraq to eventually be resolved and for peace to prevail?
    The satanic symbol connection has me completely flummoxed. I have been wondering for some time how we as humans on this Earth can sit idly by and watch while war destroys us and our neighbors on the other side of the planet, but if there are people who can look at a peace sign and see a symbol of Satan, I can wonder no more.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Deputized At Last!

CHP Commissioner Michael L. Brown
c/o California Highway Patrol
P.O. Box 942898
Sacramento, CA 94298-0001 

Dear Commissioner Brown:

    I just read that you are encouraging motorists to call in to the CHP, by dialing 9-1-1 on their cell phones, if they witness what may be drunken driving. I am glad to have stumbled across this information, and also to know that you welcome this sort of citizen action. On a number of occasions I have witnessed dangerous driving on the road and wished that I could radio in for an officer to come seize the offender. I am certainly not the only one who has felt this way, as there is now a web site devoted to people posting the license plates of bad drivers  along with tales that are supposedly meant to shame the driver in the medieval stocks of the modern age: the internet.
    I am certain that you do not want folks to just call up and tell you every time they get cut off by an inconsiderate driver. But it is news to me that you are welcoming the public’s participation in traffic law enforcement, and authorizing officers to pull over a car based solely on eyewitness testimony. I will share this information with as many people as I can in order to help keep the roads safer this holiday season.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Cradling The Weight Of War

Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad
c/o Embassy of the United States
APO AE 09316
Baghdad, Iraq

Dear Ambassador Khalilzad:

    I know that I cannot begin to imagine the heartbreak that is felt daily in Iraq as families grieve over pointless and tragic deaths, one after another. I would like to extend my sympathies to the people of Iraq.
    The White House has, in the recent past, begun to pay attention to a voting sector they like to call “security moms,” who apparently are in support of Bush and his policies because they feel he can offer security for our nation and families. He does not seem to understand that the last thing a mother wants to see is an image on the news of a parent holding the lifeless body of a child in his or her arms. Yes, I want security for my family, but I also want security for familes everywhere.
    The U.S. military should not have jumped into an occupation in Iraq as it did. I hope you will communicate to whomever you can that there are citizens over here who are wishing for a peaceful resolution to the conflicts in Iraq.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Yes I Was A Frolic Girl

Karis Griffin, Cultural Arts Recreation Supervisor
c/o City of Oakland Office of Parks and Recreation
250 Frank H. Ogawa Plaza Suite 3330
Oakland, CA 94612

Dear Ms. Griffin,

    I was delighted to read that you are revitalizing the Christmas Pageant, or some version of it. I performed in the pageant twice as a child, and have fond memories of doing so. The strongest impression it left on me was a sense of hugeness. Of course, everything that seems huge when you’re in elementary school looks rather small years later, but looking back on the event, I am amazed that anyone would try to tackle the feat of wrangling so many kids (was it hundreds?), getting them into costumes and throwing them into an arena to perform.
    I remember the awe that surrounded Louise Jorgensen, as she was older then most of the kids’ grandparents and yet she hopped around town choreographing the acts.
    It’s great to know that more kids will get the chance to participate in such a special event.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Nap With One Eye Open

La-Z-Boy Incorporated
1284 North Telegraph Road
Monroe, MI 48162-3390

Dear Sir or Madam:

    A recent news item is undoubtedly going to launch the La-Z-Boy company back into the spotlight. I have to admit, I have been among those who, when I think of a La-Z-Boy piece, I picture a decades-old, worn out plaid recliner. Perhaps this is only a mythological figure I have concocted, but somehow it stuck. But apparently one of your chairs has saved a man’s life, as it bore the brunt of a bullet a woman here in the Bay Area was trying to put into her husband!
    This is, of course, a very unfortunate incident, as is any tale of domestic violence or attempted murder. However, it could provide you with a new marketing niche while providing a service for your customers. Particularly around this time of year, families are gathering in close quarters and tensions are running high. It would behoove any family in which two or more members harbor ill will toward one another to invest in one of your chairs. I would suggest manufacturing a special “bullet-proof” model. Indeed anyone who lives with the possibility of some disgruntled associate brandishing a gun at him in his own home would be wise to obtain one of these items behind which to duck if the need arises. While it may not be noble toprofit from tragedy, you may wind up preventing similar events in the future.

Truly,

Liz Mann

You're Soaking In It

Luis Alberto Moreno, President
Inter-American Development Bank
c/o Inter-American Investment Corporation
1350 New York Avenue, NW
Washington DC, 20577, USA

Dear Mr. Moreno:

    I am writing to ask that your company update its environmental policy. In South America the Achuar people in the Amazon have been suffering too long. It should not have taken an uprising by the people whose lives have been irreparably damaged to persuade an oil company to implement safe environmental practices. But that is exactly what has happened as a result of negligence on the part of the company Plusperol, and yet your bank is planning major financial investment in the future of this company.
    According to a report by Earth Island Institute, your environmental policy is outdated and ineffectual. I see that there are several companies that are sinking their dipsticks into the soil of the Amazon, and each has a token page about commitment to the environment. These pledges do not instill any faith in me when I read the stories of what is actually going on around these companies’ physical locations.
    Please take into consideration the fact that your investments are symbolic endorsements of the activities of the monetary recipients, and act accordingly.

Truly,

Liz Mann