LizLetters

Did I Think What I Thought?

Dr. Keith Thulborn
Director of MRI Research
University of Illinois at Chicago Medical Center
Department of Radiology (M/C 931)
1740 West Taylor Street, Room 2483
Chicago, IL 60612

Dear Dr. Thulborn:

    Today, as on the final day of most Decembers, it seems that many people are looking to the future with some mixture of hope and fear, wondering what the Fates have in store for  us and what we may be able to control, or change, in our lives. I found the story of your new functional magnetic resonance imaging machine quite fascinating, and I will not be surprised if it becomes incredibly significant in the near future.
    Your machine will surely be fodder for people’s hopes as well as fears. It is reportedly designed to help discover how people think. Though you’re not there yet, you are quoted as saying that you would like to be able to detect what people are thinking about.
    Of course, as technology progresses, we find ourselves sometimes facing a reality that was only dreamed about in science fiction novels and scripts decades ago. We also find our privacy and civil liberties threatened, and have cause to be suspicious of any technology that could turn our own thoughts against us.
    I would like to remain optimistic about your endeavors, for it could provide the individual with an amazing opportunity for self-awareness and self-improvement. This could turn cognitive behavioral therapy on its head. I have often had the desire to use meditation to calm my “monkey mind” and become more present in my life. It’s my standing “new year’s resolution,” although the monkey always wins out. It does amaze me, though, that at any given moment, most people are not really aware of what their mind is thinking about, or what impact these thoughts have on us.
    Please, just remember to use your discoveries for good and not for evil (as they say in the movies). Here’s to exploring the dark and mysterious universe that is the mind.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Operation Cane Toad

Personnel Plans Office
Russell Offices
Department of Defence
Canberra ACT 2600
Australia

Dear Sir or Madam:

    From what I have read of your military, it has a stellar reputation. Your country was one of those kind enough to lend a good number of troops during the U.S. invasion of Iraq, overlooking the lack of wisdom in our leaders’ choice of tactics.
    It seems that you are less than likely to be preparing more troops for deployment to the Middle East, and more probably considering bringing your troops home. I certainly would not blame you. Your troops are needed by your country now more than ever; I read recently that you may be called upon to battle the growing numbers of Cane Toads that invaded your continent so many years ago and have since blown up in number.
    I was thinking that it might be a good recruitment tactic to tell young Australians who show interest in the military that they may not see combat any more severe than an army of poisonous toads. But surely you do not wish to waste the time of your elite force on such a task as vermin control.
    Perhaps this would be an appropriate time to call in the favor from the United States. Our country is having trouble maintaining a healthy number of people in the military, and have even relaxed our standards for recruits a bit. If we were to send a few hundred troops your way, it may  not seem to be the wisest choice at first, but our recruiters could use the matter to their advantage. If the kids they approach fear the dangers of Iraq, one might mention to them that they have a decent chance of being deployed to your great continent to battle amphibians. It would almost certainly increase the numbers in our Army eventually. Even if it doesn’t, I’m sure we’d still send you some of our best. We owe you that much!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Housework Workout

Dr. Lesley Walker
Cancer Research UK
P.O. Box 123
Lincoln's Inn Fields
London WC2A 3PX

Dear Mr. Walker:

    I just read the good news that the moderate exercise provided by doing housework has been found to reduce the risk of breast cancer in women. I immediately saw that this information provided an opportunity for a dedicated entrepreneur. I figured I would make a video of myself doing housework and sell it as a workout video. Turns out it’s already been done by the UK’s own Lisa Brockwell!
    My other idea is a little riskier. I wonder whether I could advertise for women to clean my apartment and pay to do so. Those who do not have sixteen hours worth of housework to do each week must simply be dusting the same picture frames over and over. Households with more than one woman are sure to feel the strain of sisters or mothers and daughters competing for time with the vacuum. If demand is great enough, I could set up a network of people with extra housework that needs to be done and those who would like some to do.
    I’d like to thank you for providing the hard facts that could make this endeavor possible. Now if you wouldn’t mind conducting a study that concludes that men who do housework have no need for Viagra or performance enhancing drugs, you’d be making even more women happy.

Truly,

Liz Mann

I'll Have What She's Having

U. S. Food and Drug Administration
5600 Fishers Lane
Rockville MD 20857-0001

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I just learned that you plan to allow meat from cloned animals to be sold as food. You are reportedly implementing a 90 day moratorium first to allow for public comment; I would like to take this opportunity to offer my comment: No!
    Meat and dairy from cloned animals reportedly would not have to be labeled as such. I do not purchase or consume meat, but I would go out of my way, when buying dairy products, to look for ones labeled as not coming from clones, as non-cloning companies would very likely take advantage of this as a selling point.
    I think cloning is just creepy. I believe that multiple negative consequences could result from allowing meat from cloned animals onto U.S. dinner tables. Cloning would become a more widely accepted practice, and new experiments would likely be met with less skepticism, thus perpetuating an attitude that animals are simply playthings for humans. This could also lead to an easier acceptance by the public of human cloning.
    My impression of cloning is that it is a rather expensive endeavor, and I am not sure how it can really be an attractive alternative to traditional breeding. I feel that food technology industries should be focusing on how to produce safe food cheaply and sustainably, and figuring out how to get basic whole foods to people who currently have limited access to it.

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Woman's Worth

Elaine Donnelly, CMR President
The Center for Military Readiness
P.O. Box 51600
Livonia, MI 48151

Dear Mrs. Donnelly:

    You are quoted a number of times in a recent New York Times piece about the “troubling” rise in the number of women killed during military service in Iraq and Afghanistan. To those who claim that a woman soldier’s life is equal to a man’s you say that “deliberate exposure of women to combat violence in war is tantamount to acceptance of violence against women in general.” As a nation, you say, it shows that we are “willing to tolerate violence against women as long as it occurs at the hands of the enemy.”
    This is certainly troubling, but I am not sure that it is more troubling than our acceptance of violence against men. Before these women appeared on the scene and joined the statistics of those killed in action, why did we tolerate and accept violence against male soldiers and their deaths in the thousands? Why do we continue to accept it but raise eyebrows when we see a woman’s name on the list of the dead?
    And if this recent phenomenon of female military personnel fatalities is a troubling sign that our nation is tolerating violence against women, why is it any less troubling that our nation seems to silently accept the rape, torture and murder of countless women in Africa at the hands of their “enemies”?
    I do believe that when a woman enters the military she should get full disclosure as to where she might be stationed and what level of danger she could be exposed to. But as long as she is not being deceived, I see no reason why she should be assigned to different types of duty from her male counterparts.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Chasing Che Away

Bob Ulrich, CEO
Target Corporation
1000 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, MN 55403

Dear Mr. Ulrich:

    I was dismayed to read today that your company decided to pull an item from stock because it had a picture of Che Guevara on it after you received complaints. Investors Business Daily had the gaul to compare Mr. Guevara to mass murderers such as Hitler, Pol Pot and Pinochet (whom the United States helped put into power!).
    True, Che Guevara employed some violent tactics during the Cuban Revolution. I am not condoning these actions, and I always hope that conflicts can be resolved by peaceful means. However, I would like to ask the complaining shoppers whether it is okay to occupy Iraq and subject its citizens to unnecessary violence but not okay to resort to violent acts in freeing one’s own people from a repressive government in a revolution?
    I have been impressed by the fact that your company seems to have managed to attain success while avoiding becoming a big box behemoth. I imagine you have received enough complaints about completely ridiculous things to know that the customer is not really “always right,” and I hope that you agree with me that in this case, the complaints did not truly warrant censoring Mr. Guevara’s image.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Keggers And Communion

J. Brian O’Neill
O'Neill Properties Group
2701 Renaissance Blvd.
4th Floor
King of Prussia, PA 19406

Dear Mr. O’Neill:

    I just learned of your son’s housing situation that’s got his neighbors steaming. You reportedly purchased a house for him and eight friends to live in while attending college, and in order to get around a regulation against more than six unrelated people cohabiting, they formed a church. I’m not trying to question the legitimacy of this move, but the last thing we need these days is more organized religion, whether real or fake.
    I would like to suggest a couple of alternate solutions, in case the church for some reason disbands. I read that some neighbors would like to take you to court over the matter. One thing these fellows could do to get around the cap on unrelated residents would be for a few of them to marry one another. This would be doing a service to the gay community at the same time, as their demands for recognition of their unions would likely make the news. Something tells me, however, that they may not go for that idea. In the article that I saw there are two references to a poster of a porn star in the house. Another option would be for you to adopt some of these young men. You’d just be helping out your kids! Who could fault you?
    It’s a shame there are obstacles in the way of these guys living their dream. But sometimes you’ve got to fight for your right to party.

Truly,

Liz Mann

No More Laundry!

Cupron, Inc.
P.O. Box 10973
Greensboro, NC 27404

Dear Cupron,

    Wow! I just learned about your amazing products. I am quite certain that a good number of college students received Christmas care packages this year with pairs of your socks in them. From what I read, you barely ever have to wash them because they contain copper oxide, which reportedly eliminates odors and bacteria.
    Seems it might be a challenging time to run a company that relies on copper, as the substance’s price is going up. I am curious as to whether you might offer a discount on your products to someone who pays entirely in pennies. Let me know so I can get ready to crack open my piggy bank!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Seeing The Trees

Robert Birgeneau, UC Berkeley Chancellor
200 California Hall #1500
Berkeley, CA 94720-1500

Dear Chancellor Birgeneau:

    I am writing to express my support of the folks who are making a valiant attempt to save the oak grove near Memorial Stadium.
    As I understand it, the University wants to pave over the grove and build an athletic training facility. I feel that a very compelling argument has been made in favor of using an alternate site, such as Maxwell Field or 2223 Fulton Street, rather than destroying dozens of full grown trees and disrupting the ecosystem.
    My husband and myself both graduated from Cal, and we both support preservation of the grove. We still live in the area and visit the campus for events and to visit the University’s museum. I understand that athletics are important to the school, although neither my husband nor I place local sporting events high on our lists. It would be difficult for me to continue any support of an alma mater that exhibits a set of priorities so vastly different from my own, with little apparent regard for the natural wonders with which the campus has been blessed.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Balking Over Billions

David W. Oesting, Partner in Charge, Alaska Office
Davis Wright Tremaine LLP
Suite 800
701 West Eighth Avenue
Anchorage, AK 99501-3408

Dear Mr. Oesting:

    I was greatly dismayed to read today that the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that ExxonMobil should now be responsible for paying only half of the five billion dollars in punitive damages it was originally ordered to pay after the Valdez oil spill of 1989. The incident is most likely not still fresh on everyone’s mind, but I still avoid pulling into Exxon stations, heeding the boycott that was called for so many years ago.
    The reasoning that representatives for Exxon are using is outrageous. According to an Associated Press report, the Supreme Court contends that punitive damages “usually” can not amount to “more than nine times the general damages.” I would think that oil companies must prove an exception to this. One of the purposes of awarding punitive damages, as I understand it, is to punish the offending party, to make the ruling sting a bit. When a company has such unprecedented amounts of money rolling in as the big oil companies currently do, an unusually high award in damages is necessary to make it sting. If Exxon was not driven to fight this in the courts, that would be a sign that the award was not high enough.
    The Supreme court ruling regarding the limits on punitive damages reportedly went into effect in 2003. I would be very curious to know whether lobbyists for big oil were pushing for that one. It would be right in line with the tradition of high-profit industries seeking the government’s protection against having to be responsible to the public for any damage they may cause. Is anyone trying to get that ruling reversed?
    I wish you luck in your efforts to seek justice in this matter.

Truly,

Liz Mann