LizLetters

Getting Wild In Kentucky

Mike Dixon
c/o Hazard Community College
Psychology Department
One Community College Drive
Hazard, Kentucky  41701

Dear Mr. Dixon:

    My original intent in writing to you today was to tell you that I admire your decision to cease cutting your lawn. I find, however, that I need to request clarification from you regarding information that has been put forth in a news article about you.
    The Associated Press insists that you are the mayor of Blackey, Kentucky. On the Letcher County web site, however, one Mark Stone is listed as mayor. I also could not find definitive information confirming that you are an instructor at HCC. I will suspend all disbelief, however, and assume for now that you are indeed who the press reports you to be.
    I can appreciate the message you are sending by letting your lawn “go wild.” Time is too fleeting to waste it trying to groom green grass so that it looks just like the grass in front of the house next door. It appears that the unkempt state of your yard has attracted the local wild creatures as well.
    I would like to suggest that you use this opportunity to raise the Kentucky citizenry’s awareness of another ecological approach to landscaping. You could commit a portion of your yard to native plants, demonstrating that folks not only can free themselves of the burden of commitment to their lawns, but help restore the natural integrity of Kentucky’s fauna. This would require more of a time commitment on your part than you may have wanted to devote to your yard, but I believe it would be a service to your community. If you contact the Native Plant Society, I am sure they can get you started.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Fiction Writer Wanted

Presidential Personnel Office
The White House
Washington, DC 20502

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I am writing to inquire as to whether you are currently seeking applications for the position of Speechwriter for President Bush. I read in today’s news that the man who has been his speechwriter for the last seven years is resigning. You are probably scrambling to find someone who can prevent our leader from suddenly sounding like a completely different person, or worse yet, standing around waiting for the cue cards to show up.
    After being appointed/ hired, I will study all of the speeches that Mr. Gerson has written thus far. I am most familiar with the romance languages, but I am willing to sign up for classes in Nascarese. I have already familiarized myself with the encyclopedic volumes of Bushisms, and with the understanding that any one of us can trip up on even single-syllable words (just read “Fox In Socks”!), I will craft speeches with words that roll trippingly off the tongue. I will need a couple of days to read the Bible and the novels of Michael Crichton in order to get a sense of the version of reality in which Mr. Bush currently believes. If Mr. Gerson gave two week’s notice, that will provide exactly enough time for me to prepare. I am looking forward to working with all of you.

Truly,

Liz Mann

She Steals Horses, Doesn't She?

Rick Federico, CEO of P. F. Chang Restaurants
P. F. Chang Corporate Headquarters
15210 N. Scottsdale Rd
Ste. 300
Scottsdale, AZ  85254

Dear Mr. Federico,

    I am seeking your assistance in a new hobby I have been inspired to take on. My plans concern the lovely horses that are positioned outside your Emeryville, California location, though I am under the impression that you have similar statues at many of your restaurants.
    I have been reading many news stories lately about various ornamental statues going missing from private homes and businesses. The mascots then travel around the country and send photos or postcards to their guardians. Some seem to take off on their own, others are blatantly kidnapped. There is a long-standing tradition of stealing and “liberating” garden gnomes, and other types of creatures such as flamingoes go on romps as well. A Pillsbury Doughboy was recently nabbed from a market in New Hampshire, and ransom notes followed. A golden Buddha statue was pilfered from the front of a Japanese restaurant, and was later returned. A cinnamon bun that resembled Mother Teresa was even taken from a coffee shop in Nashville and began sending correspondence.
    I believe you would benefit from the sort of publicity that would come from a good old-fashioned case of horse-thievery. I would like to sign on to take one or both of your horses on the road. I will need directions from you on how to go about moving the creatures, for they look to be quite heavy. If you are willing to sponsor a road trip, I will gladly take them abroad. I look forward to embarking on this new adventure.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Measure Twice, Cut... Carefully

Percy Honniball
3032 Kansas Street
Oakland, CA 94602

Dear Mr. Honniball,

    I am writing to offer my moral support in your current predicament. After receiving multiple citations for conducting your carpentry work in the buff, the local news caught wind of the story. As I write this I am out of town, so I do not know what the public response has been, but I hope it does not cause you any trouble. Communities can be divided on issues like nude carpentry. This could pit neighbor against neighbor.
    One would think that of all the places one could opt out of clothing, it would be the Bay Area. You have shown us that we are not nearly as tolerant as we would like people across the country to think we are. I am working to get nudist-friendly people into office. So far I have attempted to recruit a supervisor from Pennsylvania. Got to start small.
    In light of a news story I saw at the same time I read about you, I would like to offer a warning. It seems logical that when performing physical tasks, clothing is nearly always a hindrance. But that is just what Michael Urbano of Hayward thought the other night when he was attempting to enter a house through a chimney. Skin can create resistance. He would have done better to simply select the proper fabric, something smooth.
    Safety first!

Truly,

Liz Mann

No Place Like Home

Edith Macefield
1438 NW 46th Street
Seattle, WA  98107

Dear Ms. Macefield,

    I am writing to express my admiration of your steadfast resolve in staying where you want to be. Various news sources have picked up the story from your local paper, which describes how developers have offered you a large sum of money for your property so that they can tear it down and use the site for a retail complex.
    If you were to ask my advice, part of me would want to tell you to take the money and run. I am generally not a fan of big developers, and I do not want them to “win,” but I worry that your home will feel like a bird’s nest at the bottom of a granite crevasse after they build structures around you. I do, however, understand your determination. From Mr. Westneat’s stories in the paper, it looks like you have many local supporters. I am guessing your place may even become a tourist attraction. Perhaps you could make the same amount that the developers were offering you by selling T-shirts on your porch! If nothing else, that would further annoy the developers. One more point for you!
    Take care and good luck.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Prosthetic Animal Farm

M.H. Mandelbaum Orthotic and Prosthetic Services
116 Oakland Avenue
Port Jefferson, NY 11777

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I am writing to request information that may help me with a business venture I am starting. I see on your web site that you make prosthetic limbs for dogs. From the little information I have found online this seems to be a fairly recent and growing field of technology.
    For my new business, I will need prosthetic parts for various livestock such as pigs, cows, chickens, etc. My aim is to set up a “prosthetic animal farm” on which I will raise animals for partial consumption, in particular by vegetarians. Among vegetarians who avoid meat for ethical reasons as opposed to health reasons, I am certain that there are many who would welcome the opportunity to eat meat if they knew it was harvested from an animal that has been offered a new limb that was comparable to the original. The animals would be otherwise pampered, of course, and live out the rest of their natural lives on the farm.
    Are your facilities equipped to manufacture such items as false leg of lamb and chicken wings? Also, do you know of any medical professionals who could perform the operations (with proper anesthesia, of course)?
    I appreciate any information you might have. Thank you for your time.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Wal-Mart Bio-Dome

H. Lee Scott, Jr., CEO
Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
Bentonville, Arkansas 72716-8611.

Dear Mr. Scott:

    I just read your speech to the United States’ governors in which you ask them to cut you a little slack with regards to the whole health care issue. It seems that a few public officials and their constituents are miffed that the states (and thus the taxpayers) have been stuck with the bill for Wal-Mart employees’ health care.
    Certainly health care in America is in a sorry state to begin with. And from your speech it seems as though the United States is letting you down with its shoddy educational system. Your employees are doing fine in entry-level positions, but do not have the education to move into higher-level jobs.
    I have a solution for your problems. You have already presented a program in which you plan to have clinics in your stores, which will offset a good deal of the health care costs for your employees and customers. You simply need to take this idea a little further. I propose a Wal-Mart Bio-Dome. You said in your speech that you are committed to sustainability. This is the perfect way to show it! It won’t be an actual bio-dome, of course, but people are very trusting, and I think if you call it a bio-dome, people will believe it is one.
    The main idea will be that you are providing for your employees so well, they will never have to leave! I understand that you ran into a bit of trouble a while back by not letting some employees leave at night, but this will be certain to redeem you in the public eye. You have food that the employees and their families can eat, you are installing clinics, and I’m sure you have something for them to sleep on. All you really need is to start up some schools. This way you can also provide the proper education to ensure your employees’ future success in the company (and their offspring!).
    Feel free to use my idea to any degree you wish. I only ask for a small plaque on the first aisle-marker that reads “school.” If you find this plan unworkable, I’m afraid you will have to resort to Wal-Mart prisons.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Amtrak

David Hughes, CEO
Amtrak
60 Massachusetts Ave., NE
Washington, DC 20002

Dear Mr. Hughes:

    I recently read about an Amtrak employee, Rebecca Gettleman, who was fired for being “accident prone.” She was injured while assisting an inebriated passenger with maneuvering the stairs. Granted, she has apparently had some other mishaps, but from the way they were described in the article I read, these “priors” were for the most part not her fault.
    To her credit, Ms. Gettleman displayed compassion and behaved like a true samaritan in attempting to prevent injury in another. She certainly could have stood at her post and let the Fates take care of the gentleman. Perhaps she didn’t care much about the man after all. She may have simply been acting in the best interest of the company she works for, not wanting a customer to injure himself and sue Amtrak when she could possibly prevent it.
    Either way, I don’t believe this woman is a liability to your organization. I hope that you will review her case looking at all of the factors involved and not simply the statistics on paper.

Truly,

Liz Mann

To:      lizletters@earthlink.net
From:     Rebecca
Subject:        Amtrak employee fired

Dear Liz,
I am the Rebecca Gettleman in question of your letter dated Feb 20th 
this year.  I cannot tell you how touched I am that a total stranger 
has gone out of her way to do a small thing that means so much.
Just to keep you informed, my appeal was Feb 23rd and they have until 
Apr 23rd to come down with a decision.  They are taking their time!
Maybe Matier and Ross will do a follow up after the decision, we'll see.
I believe anyone in the same position as me that evening would have 
done the same thing as me.  I could not risk watching a young man die 
in front of me knowing I may have been able to prevent it.
Thank you very kindly.
Rebecca


Hi Rebecca,

You're welcome! It is a treat to get an e-mail from you. I think you are the first
person who is "involved" in one of the issues I've written about to discover
my site online. Do you mind if I post your e-mail message as a "reply"?
(It's okay if you'd rather I didn't). I'm curious, too -- how did Matier and Ross
hear about your predicament?
Good luck and take care.

Liz

Liz, I do not mind at all if you post my reply. Thank you again.
I do not who tipped off Andy Ross, he just called me one day out of 
the blue! Surely someone I know, but I'll probably never know.
Rebecca

Woman in Prison

Christy Marie Camp
W-32687
D4-02-04L
VSPW
P.O. Box 92
Chowchilla, CA 93610-0092

Dear Ms. Camp,

    I hope this letter finds you in good health. I want to tell you first off what prompted me to write to you. As a personal project I am writing a letter each day to someone, somewhere in the world. I post these letters on a website, and later post replies when and if they come in. I don’t know if you have internet access, but if you do you can see this and other letters posted on lizletters.com. You might notice that I do not inform most of my correspondents about the website or the letter-writing project. I feel I should disclose this to you, though, so that you know I am not attempting to exploit your situation for any reason.
    I have been aware for some time that there are many women in prison for the very reasons you are there. They killed the men who were abusing them and their “crimes” were not judged as having been committed in self defense. At any given time, of course, there are countless people who are in prison for crimes they did not commit. New leaps in the use of DNA to exonerate people have brought this into the news in recent years. Less frequently acknowledged is the disproportionate number of people of color in the prison system. Women in your situation are almost invisible to the media. The U.S. criminal justice system is, to say the least, quite flawed.
    Many of the people to whom I write probably do not even read the letters. I don’t know whether you’ll receive this. But I wanted to open a line of communication that’s outside my usual experience. Perhaps you’ll welcome a message from a curious stranger, perhaps not. Regardless, I wish you well.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Verichip

Verichip Corporate Office
1690 South Congress Avenue, Suite 200
Delray Beach, Florida 33445

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I just heard about the chips you manufacture and I have some questions. I’m thinking about getting a chip but they’re quite pricey. Can we work out a deal where I get a free implant in exchange for tattooing your logo over where the implant is placed? I could also do demos once in a while. I’m just worried about a couple of things. One implant recipient who was interviewed for the article I read says she can unlock her car with her chip. Can she open other people’s car doors with it? I’m glad my sixteen-year-old car has zero digital features or I’d have to watch out for this lady.
    Also, what if I’m walking down the street and a bunch of garage doors open? What if I log onto my computer with the chip and it starts accessing a bunch of porn sites? What if this technology is just a way for some reclusive evil genius to stock up a drone army and those with implants will all receive their orders to take over the world on midnight March 15, 2012?
    I’m looking forward to being a Verichip spokesperson. I am requesting a size small. I knew I was right to wait on getting The Clapper. This is about five times better!

Truly,

Liz Mann