LizLetters

Alan Greenspan

Alan Greenspan
c/o the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System
20th Street and Constitution Avenue NW
Washington, DC  20551

Dear Mr. Greenspan,

    Congratulations on your retirement! I will leave the analysis of your reign to the experts, or at least to those who know an ounce more than squat about economics. It must have been hard, though, for the last six years, to watch the president run around like a twenty year old with his dad’s credit card.
    I read that you gently suggested that Mr. Bush curb his spending a bit. Another fellow who needs a talking to is Mr. Joel Kaplan, deputy director of the White House Office of Management and Budget. He recently cited the costs from Hurricane Katrina as the big money-sucker that is pushing the deficit over 400 billion dollars. I think he must have forgotten about the little skirmish in Iraq that is demanding a rather large allowance. If you play tennis with him soon, please remind him.
    So what’s next? It’s logical that you will conduct speaking engagements from time to time, maybe even write a memoir. If I might make a suggestion, I think your future is in puppets. Let me explain. You very likely already know this, but no one teaches young folks about personal finance. Then when kids go to college and get all those credit card offers they end up in a pickle. I think you should create a puppet show that teaches kids all about economics! You yourself could be immortalized in plush. I’d suggest that you contact the Unemployed Philosophers Guild and let them know that you are deeply offended that they have not made a puppet of you yet but are willing to forgive them if they help you out with this project.
    Take it easy.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Lake Merritt Geese

Dick Bailey
Lake Merritt Institute

568 Bellevue Ave
Oakland, CA  94610

Dear Mr. Bailey,

    The papers are reporting that you’re in a quandary about all the goose excrement that’s peppering the grass around Lake Merritt. I’d like to propose a possible solution for you to present to the Committee On Such Things.
    Here are the givens: you can’t stop the birds from eating, and therefore you can’t stop them from pooping. People would likely frown on a plan that involved going around snuffing every umpteenth goose. The only logical solution as I see it is: bird diapers! If you are not already familiar with this fabulous invention, bird diapers look like little leotards that the birds wear. You’ll probably have to custom order them in a large size for those enormous geese, but it will be worth it. People will come from afar just to see the geese wearing these things.
    You are probably wondering who will change these diapers. The children! I’d estimate that at any given time there are three to five geese for every child under twelve at the lake. Now, I have encountered these geese and yes, I know they’re a bit surly and some could probably eat a smallish child whole. This is where the potentially controversial part of my plan comes in. You’ll have to somehow get the geese to ingest a mild sedative to make them more docile. Then they’ll be almost like dolls for the kids to play dress-up with!
    Good luck -- let me know how it goes.

Truly,

Liz Mann