LizLetters

They Doth Protest Too Much

Steve Jones
c/o Indie 103.1/ Entravision
5700 Wilshire Blvd. #250
Los Angeles, CA 90036

Dear Steve Jones:

    I was pleased to read that at least one person had enough integrity to tell the truth in the recent Hollywood madam “scandal.” That person was you!
    Jody “Babydol” Gibson reportedly has made her client list public, and several stars and high rollers have denied ever having known her or having used her services. Rather than hide behinds a publicist or lawyer, you openly stated that you knew her and may have been a client of her escort service.
    If the information was not already in the public domain, I would think it unfair for Ms. Gibson to reveal her clients’ names in a tell-all book. That’s kind of smarmy for her to use celebrity namedropping for her own profit. But I am guessing that’s not too uncommon in Hollywood.
    It seems as though celebrities are associating themselves with social and political issues more than ever these days. Maybe a bunch of Hollywood-ites could band together for decriminalizing prostitution!

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Intern Also Rises

Monica Lewinsky, Student
c/o London School of Economics
LSE
Houghton Street
London WC2A 2AE
UK

Dear Ms. Lewinsky,

    Congratulations on earning your master’s degree at the London School of Economics! You have flown under the radar for quite some time now, which seems more and more difficult these days. I did not follow your situation in the news very closely way back when (I am among those who felt that we simply needed to “move on”), but I did catch word of your entrepreneurship, making a line of handbags and launching a television show.
    While so many high-profile people seem to get more and more desperate and, feeling that they have no other place in the world than in the public eye, have a very public downfall, you managed to keep a low profile and accomplish something you can be proud of. You thus have more options ahead of you than a stint on “The Surreal Life” (although I would make my way to a television to watch that).
    You have most likely been on the receiving end of some correspondence from those who feel the need to tell you all about yourself, but I just wanted to drop you a note saying that I admire you for managing to rise above it.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Reined In And Reigning

Tara Conner, “Miss USA”
c/o The Miss Universe Organization
1370 Avenue of the Americas
16th Floor
New York, NY 10019

Dear Miss Conner,

 

    Congratulations on getting to keep your crown! Of course, you will have to be on your best behavior, but the end of your reign is in site, after which you can break out the bubbly and celebrate! You probably will not wish to get quite so wild as Britney Spears has been lately, but I hear her drink of choice is champagne and cola. Never tried it but it sounds tasty!
    Ah, if only you had been partying here on our coast, folks would not have tattled on you for letting loose a bit. They say it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission, and while Mr. Trump showed you generous forgiveness, San francisco is the land of permission. Even the mayor’s girlfriend reportedly engages in underage drinking, to the response of a few raised eyebrows.
    Although you apparently went from Kentucky to New York, from your bio I gather that you are no stranger to the rigors of pageants. A wallflower you are not. But your schedule has certainly been grueling. I don’t know what sort of lifestyle you were accustomed to before, but what twenty year old can be thrown into the kind of life you’ve had over the past eight months while residing in New York city, and not go out and party at some point? I bet Kelly Ripa’s danced on a table or two! Good luck in the future.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Careers For Crones

Mae Laborde
c/o Steve Lopez
Los Angeles Times
202 W. 1st St.
Los Angeles, CA 90012

Dear Ms. Laborde,

    Just wanted to drop you a note to say you’re an inspiration. I love to read about folks who begin a new career when most others their age have long since retired. I read about your budding acting career and how you burst onto the scene at age 93.
    Americans are so obsessed with careers and achieving success at a young age. I do not consider myself to be especially competitive, but since I currently spend most of my time as a stay-at-home mom, I fall into the mentality that I am missing something by not focusing on a career. Stories such as yours remind me that the “rat race” is not always the rule, and that I can indeed put off my Hollywood career for a few more decades.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Dear Santa

Santa Claus
North Pole

Dear Santa,

    I have not mailed a letter to you before, but I thought it was about time someone told you that for a long while now, many would-be Santas have been impersonating you. Some stand out in the cold ringing bells and ostensibly collecting cash for charities. A good number of these pseudo-Santas, however, are in the business of making small children cry.
    Parents are somehow persuaded to participate, even standing in line to place their tots in the lap of a potentially frightening-looking individual (no offense). This is either someone’s large-scale attempt to denigrate your reputation, or your own ingenious plan to make enough people fear you so that you and your elfin followers can take over the world in some sort of coup. Being made to sit on the lap of a man you’ve been led to believe knows your every move, waking or sleeping, can leave a lasting impression.
    I remember my first (and, I believe, last) photo shoot with one of these impostors. At that age (was it four?) I used to hold my hand over my mouth when nervous, fingers curled down like a paw. And I did so during my visit to “Santa.” The photographer (these torture sessions are often set up merely for the purpose of documenting them) patiently repeated a request for me to remove my hand from my mouth for the instant it would take to snap a photo. Alas, somewhere in a box in my parents’ basement is a photo of me on this bearded fellow’s lap with my knuckles under my nose.
    I do hope that this news does not upset you too much, as you are most likely already under a great deal of stress getting ready for your sleigh ride. I am not sure what can be done about this, but as someone who can get down all the chimneys in the world in one night, I’m sure you’ll manage to take care of it.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Carey On, Mariah

Mariah Carey
c/o Island Records
825 Eighth Avenue
New York, NY 10019

Dearest Ms. Carey,

    It is wonderful to see how well your music career has been doing lately, despite the fact that you have been dabbling in both politics and porn acting over the past few years.
    I am, of course, kidding you a bit, Ms. Carey, for I am aware that it is Ms. Mary Carey who is an actress in the adult erotica genre and who ran for governor of our fair state of California, while you are the one and only internationally acclaimed songstress extraordinaire Mariah Carey.
    I understand that you have some concerns over the similarities between your name and Mary Carey’s. I do not think that your fans will actually confuse your names or identities. Even if there is a mixup here and there, you would probably impress your fans most by being gracious about the situation. Back in the 80s Rick Springfield’s hit “They Call Me Bruce” made fun of how people confused him and Bruce Springsteen. Maybe you could write a “They Call Me Mary” song and then people would be sure to remember the distinction between you two. I hope it all works out somehow without you having to impose limitations on the other Ms. Carey’s career. Best of luck!

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Troubled Wordsmith

Robert Smith, of The Cure
c/o Geffen Records
2220 Colorado Ave., 4th floor
Santa Monica, CA 90404

Dear Mr. Smith,

     I grew up listening to your music in the 1980s, and it is great to see that you and your band are still going strong. I was sorry to read that you are suffering from writer’s block. As a writer I have immense sympathy for your situation, as I have experienced the phenomenon countless times. I read that you are facing more than thirty songs that you are to write words for. That is quite a task, even for someone who has accomplished all that you have. Perhaps past success is contributing to the pressure you feel to write something fabulous. A little pressure is not a bad thing, and a self-imposed deadline can be helpful. I have written quite a bit for assignments, but have endless trouble motivating myself to write. You reportedly are aiming to be finished by Christmas. I do hope that you’re not being too hard on yourself. It may do you some good to take a vacation and leave the task alone for a few days, renew your creative spirit.
    Otherwise, if you can use an assistant songwriter, I would be happy to give it a shot.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Hating The Isms

Malcolm Gladwell
c/o The New Yorker
4 Times Square
New York, NY 10036-6592

Dear Mr. Gladwell,

    I appreciate your levelheaded approach to defining racism in your recent blog entry. We the celebrity-obsessed people have been volleying the racism issue all over the place lately with Mel Gibson’s and Michael Richard’s hurtful remarks.
    When I ponder these sorts of issues, I become a bit fixated on suffixes, and I am curious as to your take on the language and labeling of prejudice. When we call someone a racist or sexist, there is a good chance that it stings the accused a little bit. But on its own, sitting on the page, these “isms” could fit in with a crowd that includes liberalism and vegetarianism. Why not?
    Then there are the phobias. We all have one or a few. Arachnophobia, claustrophobia... But then there’s homophobia, which really is of a flavor closer to those isms than to other phobias. They all fall into the category of “haters.” Granted, “homophobia” may be the truest label of the bunch, as hate has its origins in fear, which grows out of ignorance.
    I am still confused, though. If someone is a victim of violence because of his race, and another person is attacked because of his sexual orientation, then both have experienced hate crimes. Why aren’t the perpetrators called racephobic and gayist?
    And what about people who are racist, but are prejudiced against one or a few specific races? Racist quickly becomes a vague term for someone.
    Thanks for enduring my rambling. We Americans seem to have trouble discussing prejudice, and this may be due partially to inadequate language with which to discuss it.

Truly,

Liz Mann

No Man In Red, But Men In Blue

Judge Glenda Hatchett
c/o Brillstein-Grey Entertainment
9150 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 350
Beverly Hills, CA 90212

Dear Judge Hatchett:

    It has been a while since I’ve had the pleasure of watching your program, but I recall that once in a while you would send troubled teens to boot camp when all other avenues failed. I just read about a family who is in dire need of such a solution.
    When I first saw the headlines indicating that a mother in Rock Hills, South Carolina had her twelve year old son arrested for opening a Christmas present early, I thought I would see just another account of the amusing and ridiculous things people sometimes do. But this story is actually quite sad, as a young mother has apparently lost all authority over her child, and is desperate to the point of calling upon her local peace officers to intervene in basic parenting and reportedly wants to turn the boy over to the care of the state.
    It is unfortunate that this woman’s situation has gotten so far out of control. I do not know whether there are good resources for families in this sort of situation short of making appeals to television hosts, but if anyone is in need of some intervention, these folks indeed are.

Truly,

Liz Mann

When Cars Are Stars

David Hasselhoff
c/o Andrew Lownie Literary Agency
36 Great Smith Street
London
SW1P 3BU
England

Dear Mr. Hasselhoff,

    I hope this letter finds you in good health. I imagine it will; you seem to be growing younger year by year! You show no sign of slowing down, with a musical, a memoir forthcoming, and a film based on Knight Rider coming soon as well!
    I am writing with a suggestion for an additional project if you happen to have the time. You have been quoted as saying that Kitt, your famous car from the Knight Rider television series, is gay. This sort of breaking news still attracts some attention in Hollywood, and I think you should take this opportunity to set Kitt up with a reality television show. If you can gather a few vehicles from other classic shows and films, you could put together a nice ensemble cast for something like The Surreal Life. I hear the original S.S. Minnow is available, as well as the log car from The Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas. It would be sweet if you could persuade the Delorean from Back To The Future to join in. I bet sparks would fly between him and Kitt. Pee Wee Herman’s bike could be the mediating influence.
    I just hope that Kitt would not consider this to be slumming, seeing as how he’s going to be a star of the big screen. For many, however, the sad truth is that you have to swallow your pride and do a reality show if you don’t have baby pictures to sell. Alas. Anyway, good luck with all your projects!

Truly,

Liz Mann