LizLetters

Coiffed in Coach

Virgin America Guest Care
555 Airport Blvd.
Burlingame, CA 94010

Dear Virgin Airlines:

    I recently saw an advertisement for your airlines promoting a new feature that you offer: outlets at each passenger’s seat. I am writing to you because I vehemently disapprove of the type of behavior that you are promoting with this ad campaign.
    Several things seem amiss in your ad. First and foremost is the fact that the woman in the ad is styling her hair with a hairdryer in her airline seat. You have conveniently placed her next to a vacant seat. I can not help but wonder whether there was someone in the seat beside her at the beginning of the flight and they requested to be moved once she turned on her appliance. Who would want a blast of hot air in the face? Or a flip of one’s neighbor’s hair? The noise alone would drown out the pleasant hum of the plane’s engines and the gentle rattle of the cocktail cart. I would be quite distressed to be seated next to someone who was using a hairdryer.
    The other passengers are displaying behavior that has gotten people kicked off of other flights. A couple in the background are making out, an activity that reportedly got a couple in big trouble on a Southwest flight a couple of years ago. The hair-drying woman herself is rather scantily-clad; on another recent Southwest flight, a Hooters employee was removed from a flight for wearing an outfit that was no more revealing. The person across the aisle from the hair-drying woman is sticking a cowboy-booted foot into the aisle, which may not get one kicked off a plane, but is just dangerous.
    I am also confused about another factor in this dilemma. How and why are your passengers boarding the wet hair in the first place? I have never actually seen someone in an airport with wet hair. I’ve never seen a shower stall at the airport or on a plane to begin with. I also have not seen a woman in a cocktail dress on any flight I’ve taken. Perhaps that is because I have never flown on your airline! Please help to solve this mystery for me.
    I just hope you have no plans to install elliptical machines at each seat for passengers that are missing their workouts.
    Thank you very much for your time.

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Meat In Mars

Paul S. Michaels, President
Mars, Inc.
6885 Elm Street
McLean, VA 22101

Dear Mr. Michaels:

    I am heartened to see that there is a company out there (yours) that has decided not to follow the herd in catering to the California liberals and their ilk. Auto makers are all coming out with fancy “energy efficient” cars, Wal-Mart is purportedly stocking organic items, and celebrities are giving up the furs they so richly deserve to have wrapped around their necks.
    You, however, understand that real Americans drive big trucks and eat lots of candy bars. And just as it takes some bloodshed to keep that gasoline pumping through those trucks, some newborn calves must give their lives and stomach contents for the greater good: the manufacturing of delicious candy! While so many other companies are pandering and trying to be politically “correct”, you are making it clear that your customers are neither homosexual nor vegetarian. You put the word “Snickers” on everyone’s lips with your ad in which two virile, manly men accidentally kiss and then undo the damage by pulling hair off their chests. Now you’re making people think “meat” (as in good old American meat and potatoes) by putting the animal product rennet back in your candy bars.
    I am also happy to see that you so explicitly define the different genders between the M&Ms characters, Green being the sexy siren that she is. There is one problem, though. When I actually purchase a pack of M&Ms, the candies themselves appear somewhat androgynous, and that creeps me out a little bit. The girls are missing their pouty lips and eyelashes. It just seems wrong. Also, I think it might send a better message to kids if there was only one color candy in each bag. You might be inadvertently encouraging diversity or, heaven forbid, homosexuality as Skittles does with their “Taste the Rainbow” slogan.
    If yours is not already the official candy of the White House, it should be; you represent what a true American candy manufacturer ought to be.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Who Would Jesus Heal?

Dr. Gary Merrill
Christian Medical Svc
2920 F ST # C6
Bakersfield, California 93301

Dear Dr. Merrill,

    I am writing to convey my disappointment in hearing that you, in your medical practice, discriminate against people who have tattoos and do so under the guise of Christianity. In a recent incident at your office, a woman reportedly brought her daughter to your office with an ear infection. The girl was refused treatment because the mother had tattoos.
    This behavior seems anything but Christian. I do not subscribe to any religion, and perhaps my opinion means nothing to you because of that, but it is my understanding that many Christians try to model their behavior after the teachings of Jesus (even asking themselves “what would Jesus do?”). I can not imagine that, having the means and the power to ease a child’s suffering, Jesus would turn her away because of the child’s mother’s appearance. I certainly would not join any religion with a doctrine that condones such callous behavior.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Blown Away

Patrick Davis, General Manager
Dublin Buick Pontiac GMC
4400 John Monego Court
Dublin, CA 94568

Dear Mr. Davis:

    We are all guilty of making a faux pas once in a while, and I see that your company made a minor gaffe recently by putting an ad on a billboard that some neighbors found offensive. Apparently, the ad featured a salesman holding a shotgun. The tagline read “we’ll blow the competition away.”
    You are probably looking for a new head of advertising, as you surely do not want to be paying rent on a blank billboard for long. I would like to throw my hat into the ring. I already have a winning idea for your new ad campaign. There is no need to change your slogan about blowing the competition away. It’s golden. But rather than implying that you’re out to destroy anyone, simply take a friendly tack! I envision a billboard with a group of kids, some of whom are blowing bubbles in a sun-drenched field. Others are cheerfully looking on. Okay, it doesn’t have anything to do with cars. But people like kids. And people like bubbles.
    I am eager to get started on this project and repair your good name with the community. It will blow them away!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Chasing Che Away

Bob Ulrich, CEO
Target Corporation
1000 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, MN 55403

Dear Mr. Ulrich:

    I was dismayed to read today that your company decided to pull an item from stock because it had a picture of Che Guevara on it after you received complaints. Investors Business Daily had the gaul to compare Mr. Guevara to mass murderers such as Hitler, Pol Pot and Pinochet (whom the United States helped put into power!).
    True, Che Guevara employed some violent tactics during the Cuban Revolution. I am not condoning these actions, and I always hope that conflicts can be resolved by peaceful means. However, I would like to ask the complaining shoppers whether it is okay to occupy Iraq and subject its citizens to unnecessary violence but not okay to resort to violent acts in freeing one’s own people from a repressive government in a revolution?
    I have been impressed by the fact that your company seems to have managed to attain success while avoiding becoming a big box behemoth. I imagine you have received enough complaints about completely ridiculous things to know that the customer is not really “always right,” and I hope that you agree with me that in this case, the complaints did not truly warrant censoring Mr. Guevara’s image.

Truly,

Liz Mann

No More Laundry!

Cupron, Inc.
P.O. Box 10973
Greensboro, NC 27404

Dear Cupron,

    Wow! I just learned about your amazing products. I am quite certain that a good number of college students received Christmas care packages this year with pairs of your socks in them. From what I read, you barely ever have to wash them because they contain copper oxide, which reportedly eliminates odors and bacteria.
    Seems it might be a challenging time to run a company that relies on copper, as the substance’s price is going up. I am curious as to whether you might offer a discount on your products to someone who pays entirely in pennies. Let me know so I can get ready to crack open my piggy bank!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Balking Over Billions

David W. Oesting, Partner in Charge, Alaska Office
Davis Wright Tremaine LLP
Suite 800
701 West Eighth Avenue
Anchorage, AK 99501-3408

Dear Mr. Oesting:

    I was greatly dismayed to read today that the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that ExxonMobil should now be responsible for paying only half of the five billion dollars in punitive damages it was originally ordered to pay after the Valdez oil spill of 1989. The incident is most likely not still fresh on everyone’s mind, but I still avoid pulling into Exxon stations, heeding the boycott that was called for so many years ago.
    The reasoning that representatives for Exxon are using is outrageous. According to an Associated Press report, the Supreme Court contends that punitive damages “usually” can not amount to “more than nine times the general damages.” I would think that oil companies must prove an exception to this. One of the purposes of awarding punitive damages, as I understand it, is to punish the offending party, to make the ruling sting a bit. When a company has such unprecedented amounts of money rolling in as the big oil companies currently do, an unusually high award in damages is necessary to make it sting. If Exxon was not driven to fight this in the courts, that would be a sign that the award was not high enough.
    The Supreme court ruling regarding the limits on punitive damages reportedly went into effect in 2003. I would be very curious to know whether lobbyists for big oil were pushing for that one. It would be right in line with the tradition of high-profit industries seeking the government’s protection against having to be responsible to the public for any damage they may cause. Is anyone trying to get that ruling reversed?
    I wish you luck in your efforts to seek justice in this matter.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Pack Your Water Wings

Terry Prather, General Manager
Six Flags America
P.O. Box 4210
Largo, Maryland 20775

Dear Mr. Prather:

    I am writing to make sure that you are not missing a once in a lifetime opportunity for your company. You may have heard the news that there is new evidence of water on Mars. Not just ice, but liquid water! You must act now to stake your claim to the area surrounding the site where water was purportedly spotted. I do not know exactly how to go about acquiring Martian real estate, but you must have some people working for you who could arrange it. Mars is crying out for a water park and Six Flags is the company to put it there.
    Everyone is in a big hurry to get a moon base built. While there is no clear answer about why this is, what better reason is there for doing something than being the first to do it? We may have to wait a few years before the average fun-seeking family can get to Mars with any ease. But that should not stop you from drawing up the plans for your parking lot.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Curls, Crunches And Clearcutting

Bill Worthington
Vice President of Property Development
San Francisco YMCA
631 Howard Street, Suite 500
San Francisco, CA 94105

Dear Mr. Worthington:

    I read today that many local folks are unhappy about your plans to cut down trees over approximately 350 acres in San Mateo County. I believe that you may indeed be acting genuinely in the interest of public safety, rather than for economic gain as you have been accused. However, these days in California the word “logging” understandably triggers sirens for environmentalists.
    You are apparently working to comply with regulations of the Departments of Forestry and Fish & Game. I am writing to encourage you, however, to make the extra effort to consult neutral environmental groups to gauge the impact of whatever action you plan to take. Unfortunately, even if you are not financially motivated, state and federal agencies that are charged with stewardship of our natural resources often have businesses’ interests in mind (or pocket) before preservation. I hope you can reach some compromise that will be environmentally sound and still ensure safe enjoyment for your visitors.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Santa's Beer Belly

State of Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement
164 State House Station
Augusta, Maine 04333-0164

Dear Sir or Madam,

    I am writing in response to your refusal to allow Shelton Brothers Brewing to have a picture of Santa on a beer label. There is a fear that this could appeal to children and supposedly entice them to crack open a beer themselves.
    I can still almost hear the jingle and see the cartoon bear that represented Hamm’s brewery (“...from the land of sky blue water..”), and the Budweiser commercials with the dashing canine Spuds Mackensie. While they may not be shining examples of the most dignified ad campaigns, I do not think these advertising tactics made many children want to drink beer. When I was a child I was curious about what the adults were drinking, and I was allowed a sip here and there, with no terrible consequences. I believe that people’s drinking habits are based primarily on what they see around them, first observing their caregivers and then their own peers. If a large number of youngsters are drinking, we should be looking at these factors, not at beer labels.
    Parents should be able to explain to their children that Santa is a grown-up and sometimes has a grown-up drink. I think that many a “Santa” may reap the benefits, as chilled bottles and frosty pint glasses are left by chimneys on Christmas Eve in place of milk and cookies.

Truly,

Liz Mann