LizLetters

Dad's Diaper Dilemma

Ken Kobrick and Angela Greene
Passchal
P.O.Box 34761
Richmond, VA 23234

Dear Mr. Kobrick and Ms. Greene,

    I learned about your fabulous bags through a news story about your new diaper bag that’s geared towards men. I was pleased to discover that along with encouraging dads to carry the nappies around, you are committed to using recycled materials and make your products right here in the U.S.
    My husband often balks at carrying our daughter’s diaper bag. This is not because it is particularly froofy, but out of common sense. As a pragmatist, he argues that nearly every time we go out with the child, as she is now over two years old and needs changing less often, we do not crack the diaper bag open once. Realistically, it can be left in the car, but out of sheer habit, a force to which I have no resistance, I take the bag along at all times.
    My own reluctance to change, however, is not the reason that I am writing to you. I would like to offer a suggestion to your company. You have won the admiration of many moms with your “dad’s” diaper bag, but you could be even more popular with this demographic if you were to launch an awareness campaign regarding the dearth of places where men can actually conduct the diaper change. Certainly these days more men’s rooms than ever have the lovely plastic shelves. Businesses have come to realize that men do sometimes take a turn at the task, and some even venture out alone with a small child. I have, to my dismay, found myself in many women’s restrooms that lack a proper spot for changing, but that is another matter entirely. I think it would be great if you printed up a bunch of postcards (on recycled paper of course), a stack of which could be included with the diaper bag that you sell, that read “Dear Business Owner, I had to leave your establishment today because you had no place for me to change my child’s diaper. I look forward to returning when you have installed a changing station in your men’s room.” You are changing the accessory industry one discarded tire at a time, and could change the world of diaper changes, one men’s room at a time!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Plain Old Soap Opera Life

Carolyn Hinsey, Editor
Soap Opera Weekly
260 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10016

Dear Ms. Hinsey:

    I have never fallen victim to the common addiction that is daytime soap operas, though I understand they provide a powerful draw. One of my literature professors at Berkeley even admitted to taping a soap daily. My curiosity was aroused today, however, by a statement that was attributed to you in a recent news story.
    The show “All My Children” is set to have a character who is undergoing surgery to transform from a man into a woman. It will be a first for television and hopefully expand the awareness of the show’s viewers. You are quoted as seeing this as “desperate,” that the show’s producers are trying a bunch of new stunts to increase ratings. My question to you as someone who knows the business of soap operas very well is: how does one distinguish between a desperate attempt and, well, normal soap opera stuff? I read recently about a much-publicized reunion between the two characters Luke and Laura on “General Hospital.” Apparently her character has died and been brought back to life, and they have gone through all sorts of other situations that you don’t usually hear about while hanging around the barber shop.
    I thought soap operas were famous for characters going in and out of comas and plotlines taking the most incredible twists and turns imaginable. Sex reassignment surgery seems almost tame compared to some of them. So I just wondered what stands out about it to you to call it out as desperate.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Nap With One Eye Open

La-Z-Boy Incorporated
1284 North Telegraph Road
Monroe, MI 48162-3390

Dear Sir or Madam:

    A recent news item is undoubtedly going to launch the La-Z-Boy company back into the spotlight. I have to admit, I have been among those who, when I think of a La-Z-Boy piece, I picture a decades-old, worn out plaid recliner. Perhaps this is only a mythological figure I have concocted, but somehow it stuck. But apparently one of your chairs has saved a man’s life, as it bore the brunt of a bullet a woman here in the Bay Area was trying to put into her husband!
    This is, of course, a very unfortunate incident, as is any tale of domestic violence or attempted murder. However, it could provide you with a new marketing niche while providing a service for your customers. Particularly around this time of year, families are gathering in close quarters and tensions are running high. It would behoove any family in which two or more members harbor ill will toward one another to invest in one of your chairs. I would suggest manufacturing a special “bullet-proof” model. Indeed anyone who lives with the possibility of some disgruntled associate brandishing a gun at him in his own home would be wise to obtain one of these items behind which to duck if the need arises. While it may not be noble toprofit from tragedy, you may wind up preventing similar events in the future.

Truly,

Liz Mann

You're Soaking In It

Luis Alberto Moreno, President
Inter-American Development Bank
c/o Inter-American Investment Corporation
1350 New York Avenue, NW
Washington DC, 20577, USA

Dear Mr. Moreno:

    I am writing to ask that your company update its environmental policy. In South America the Achuar people in the Amazon have been suffering too long. It should not have taken an uprising by the people whose lives have been irreparably damaged to persuade an oil company to implement safe environmental practices. But that is exactly what has happened as a result of negligence on the part of the company Plusperol, and yet your bank is planning major financial investment in the future of this company.
    According to a report by Earth Island Institute, your environmental policy is outdated and ineffectual. I see that there are several companies that are sinking their dipsticks into the soil of the Amazon, and each has a token page about commitment to the environment. These pledges do not instill any faith in me when I read the stories of what is actually going on around these companies’ physical locations.
    Please take into consideration the fact that your investments are symbolic endorsements of the activities of the monetary recipients, and act accordingly.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Your Own Personal Jesus

David Socha, founder
one2believe
28010 Industry Drive
Valencia, CA 91355

Dear Mr. Socha,

    I am intrigued  by the line of Bible themed dolls you are producing. I became aware of your product as a result of the mini-fracas in the media resulting from Toys For Tots’s refusal of your donation of talking Jesus dolls. I have always meant to become more familiar with the Bible, as it has such a profound influence on our society and culture. I appreciate that you have summaries of fifty important stories on your web site. That can get me started with the basics.
    I do have some questions about your product line. What do these dolls say? And how did you choose the quotes? Though not well-versed in the contents of the Bible, I do know that Jesus said some very cool things. Also, what other characters do you plan on adding to the collection? I am a fan of Oscar Wilde’s play based on the story of Salome, and would probably be in the market for a doll, especially if it were to include seven veils. Is there an appropriate way to intervene if one discovers one’s child switching outfits between Jesus and Esther (you know how kids are!)?
    Thanks for your time. I look forward to learning more about these remarkable toys.

Truly,

Liz Mann

High And Dry

Jim Whitehurst, Chief Operating Officer
Delta Airlines, Inc.
P.O. Box 20706
Atlanta, GA  30320-6001

Dear Mr. Whitehurst:

    I am writing to inform you that after reading today’s news I will avoid Delta when selecting an airline for traveling in the future. A woman was reportedly kicked off one of your flights for declining to cover up with a blanket while breast-feeding. I am amazed that I still encounter stories of women being banned from nursing their offspring in certain public places. While your staff did not forbid her from offering her child nourishment, I believe she should have been allowed to do so without being asked to hide under a blanket.
    I can understand the response by Southwest airlines to the couple who nearly joined the Mile High club right in their seat(s). As a society we have not quite reached the level of tolerance where we can accept public sex, particularly in such close quarters. Thus I would not suggest that you allow suckling adult men on your flights. Suckling infants, however, should be free to dine in comfort. According to the news report I read, the mother was in a window seat with her husband beside her and “no part of her breast was showing.” I can not understand why she was offered the blanket in the first place. I hope that your future policies reflect an understanding and acceptance of nursing mothers’ rights.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Navigating By The Sun

Sun Microsystems, Menlo Park Campus
1601 Willow Road
Menlo Park, CA 94025

Dear Madam or Sir:

    I had the pleasure of viewing the environs surrounding your facility a couple of days ago. You and your colleagues at the Menlo Park campus must already be aware of what I discovered: that your neighborhood, while quite lovely, is not particularly pedestrian -friendly in spots. My husband began a project several months ago that involves walking around the bay, on the bay Trail as much as possible, with our young daughter and whoever else is inspired to join him. I have participated in his walks twice now (out of more than a dozen trips). I decided to join him on this particular day because I had a creeping suspicion that they might encounter unsafe conditions and I wanted to help keep them from peril.
    Indeed, there was a rather unfriendly stretch quite near to you -- I think it was on Willow, just across the intersection -- with fast cars and no sidewalks. Once we made it to safety we were at your door. We became a bit confused as to how to get back on track, as there was no obvious passage along the road in front of your property. I realize now that we could have found rather detailed information about the trail had we done more research online, but at the time we were relying on a Bay Trail map that did not show the trail winding behind your facility.
    Perhaps it is the responsibility of some local bureaucracy to provide signage for the trails, but since that sort of thing often gets done about ten years after it’s proposed, if at all, I thought I would drop a line suggesting that you put up a little sign directing hikers to the trail that goes around behind you. Then again, I would not be surprised if  we were the first and last folks who actually passed your way on foot.

Truly,

Liz Mann

P.S. What is that beautiful and strange tree between your place and the salt flats that grows orange-like fruits?

Like A Broken Record

Guinness World Records Limited
184-192 Drummond Street
3rd Floor
London NW1 3HP
United Kingdom

Dear Madam or Sir:

    Until today I was not aware that there is an official Guinness Day. It is nice to know that on this particular day, around the world, hundreds of people are doing bizarre things like testing how many quarters they can fit in their nostrils. A sense of hope is in the air, the scent of determination. Like Bobby and Cindy in the Brady Bunch episode of yore, small children are nodding off while attempting to beat the record for the longest time on a seesaw.
    I do not consider myself very competitive, but I could get into the spirit of an organized attempt to get into the Book. I always hear about these things afterward, however. For example, once in a while a few hundred, or more recently a few thousand, mothers gather to break the record for simultaneous breast-feeding. I do not happen to be lactating at the moment, but I would certainly be game to show up on a plaza for a mass double-dutch session or group headstand event. Where does one learn of these happenings? How does one organize that many people? It’s all a mystery. I suppose with the internet it’s easy enough to spread the word, much like getting a flash mob together.
    Has anyone ever broken a record, either intentionally or not, and refused to be listed in your book? I mean, maybe someone has been exposed as having seven toes (would that be a record?) but does not want everyone to know about it. What do you do, then, with the fellow who comes to you with six toes and wants to be listed? Your integrity as documenters of anomalies would be at stake! I don’t think I would want your job. But I’ll be waiting for the call to pogo-stick on a frozen lake after parachuting from a hot-air balloon. Been done?

Truly,

Liz Mann

Vaccines And Vixens

Rachel’s Steakhouse
401 Semoran Blvd.
Casselberry, FL 32707

Dear Rachel’s:

    What a great idea you’ve put into practice! It seems that you are offering free flu shots to your local senior citizens. It would not have occurred to me at first that a large portion of your clientele may be of a certain age, but why not? This benefits your business, of course, because it keeps your regulars healthy. Your clients are more likely to come out and get the old annual flu shot if they are somewhere fun rather than in a hospital setting. I just got my flu shot the other day, and I was, in fact, out on a date with my husband. There was no one dancing around in the buff, though, and no buffet! Next best thing: I’m going to see if I can get my teeth cleaned at the race track.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Of Play-Doh And Padded Bras

Isaac Larian, founder
MGA Entertainment
16380 Roscoe Blvd., Suite 200
Van Nuys, CA 91406

Dear Mr. Larian:

    I recently learned that, in four years, my two year old daughter will be a member of the target market for the “bralette” you sell, a padded bra geared toward girls age six to ten. Parents have expressed worry that this product contributes to the sexualization of young girls, which fuels the pedophile problem. A spokesperson for your distributor reportedly said that the bralette was designed to hide their developing breasts rather than show them off. This, too is problematic, and I fell that this sort of product will create problems for more girls than it helps.
    Although cases of “preschool puberty” do exist, girls generally are not developing breasts at this young age that warrant the purchase of a brazier. To market bras to them can make them feel that they ought to be more physically developed than they are, or it may send the message that “hey, the boobs are coming and you’d better have the right equipment to strap them down when they do.”
    I understand that your company makes no claim to be in the educational and developmental toy business. You are very clear and to the point in your company name. You are in the entertainment industry. I would think, though, that a large and successful company that has a great deal of influence over young girls would have a sense of responsibility for the messages that their products project. So which came first, the chicken or the egg? Do dolls such as your Bratz Dolls, with big eyes and  a “passion for fashion,” spark these passions in preteens? Or is the demand there already and the products are created in response to the vivid imagination of these girls?
    The thing that puzzles me the most, actually, is why the only two “settings” that are shown on the Bratz web site are a makeup vanity and a laundromat. I guess it’s all about putting on makeup and... washing your clothes? After generations of parents have tried in vain to steer their children away from the Barbie aisle out of fear that she would instill in them a longing for impossible beauty standards, it looks as though your Bratz are the new Dreaded Desire.

Truly,

Liz Mann