LizLetters

Get The Kinks Out At The Zoo

Amy Phelps-Kinzley, Zookeeper
Oakland Zoo
9777 Golf Links Road
Oakland, CA 94605

Dear Ms. Phelps-Kinzley,

    Congratulations on winning the Excellence in Zookeeping award! I was fascinated to read about your special giraffe massaging technique. I have always had mixed feelings about zoos, as I’d rather see animals enjoying their natural environments than being cooped up in cages. I do have fond memories, however, of my many trips to the Oakland Zoo as a child. Despite a severe allergy to fur, I always insisted on taking full advantage of the petting zoo. More than the discomfort of sneezing my head off I remember the joy of feeding green pellets to goats from ice cream cones.
    Until today I had not heard much about animal massage. I am well aware of the power of massage, as my daughter insists on one every night and it puts her to sleep pretty well. I have heard of alligators enjoying a tummy rub now and then, but I wonder now what other animals would benefit from this practice. Your husband reportedly works with the elephants. Has he tried to massage them yet? Could the tigers be tamed with a rubdown?  The snakes must get sore muscles now and then as well. Is there a special area of zoology devoted to massage therapy for critters? If not, there should be!
    I have not yet brought my two-year-old to the zoo, but I am looking forward to doing so soon. Do you have giraffe massaging times for a public audience?

Truly,

Liz Mann

Cavalier Comments

Michael Chabon

Dear Mr. Chabon,

    When I read today about actress Sienna Miller dissing the city of Pittsburgh in a Rolling Stone interview, even as she is starring in a film based on your book The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, it got me wondering what you as the author of the story in which she finds her self immersed would think of such a scandal. I am sorry to say that I have not yet had the pleasure of reading the novel yet, and I do look forward to picking it up, not only because I have heard many favorable reviews from friends, but I am now quite curious about the town of Pittsburgh. I hope that I am not being presumptuous in assuming that you hold some fondness for the place, having written about it.
    So what does one do when in the position that you now find yourself? Do you have any say about who stars in films based on your books? If so, I would suggest that you take this opportunity to replace Ms. Miller with someone of higher caliber. Stick with Mr. Peter Sarsgaard for the leading man, certainly, but if it is in your power, why not employ someone who has an appreciation for the subject matter? As I write this Ms. Miller has already issued an apology for her statements. Even so, I think it’s clear how she feels about Iron City.

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Living Room Lecture Hall

Dan Mogulof
Executive Director, Public Affairs
U.C. Berkeley
101 Sproul Hall
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear Mr. Mogulof,

    I was delighted to read that Berkeley is putting some videos of courses online. When I read a while back about Yale and some other schools posting lectures online for free, I hoped that Berkeley would some day do the same. I was an English major there a number of years ago and loved it. In a few of my classes I met people who were auditing, and I knew I would wan to do that one day. I harbored a secret desire to be a perpetual student, delaying graduation indefinitely so that I could take all of the fascinating courses I could not possibly have had time for in my two years there.
    As a full-time mother of a young child, I now find that I am not at leisure to jet off to campus and sit in on a class or two. This is one of the best ideas for uses of the internet that I have witnessed. I wonder whether there is a worry about students skipping class altogether if they can watch the lectures at home. I suppose that would not be much different than taking an online course, but I remember that this concern came up for many professors when they began putting podcasts of lectures online. Will this be the end of the campus?
    I noticed a good number of science classes in your video library; I hope you plan to add classes from a cross section of disciplines. It is nice to see that you have the lunchtime poetry series on there. Keep it up!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Spinning Their Wheels

Ed Galvan
Berkeley Police Department
Hall of Justice
2100 Martin Luther King Jr. Way
Berkeley, CA 94704

Dear Officer Galvan:

    I just learned of your latest crime deterrent plan in which you are supplying citizens with locks for their cars. It seems that Berkeley has an inordinate number of car thieves in its population. If your plan is effective, you will be saving the city a good deal of time and expense that would be devoted to tracking down these cars.
    I am writing with a supplemental suggestion. While increasing the security of the cars belonging to Berkeley’s citizens is admirable, it does not eliminate the risk to others’ property. Many of the would-be thieves will simply seek satisfaction in neighboring communities. You are quoted as saying that most people take cars for a joy ride and then abandon them. That is why I believe you should start a program similar to the “city car share” for these joy-riders. You could distribute a small fleet of clunkers, specially painted so that people can identify them, and leave the keys in the ignition. Local thrill-seekers who would otherwise wind up as criminals can just take one for a spin.
    I hope that you will also consider widening the scope of do-it-yourself law enforcement. If you give a select number of community volunteers badges and tasers, you can put your feet up once in a while.

Truly, 

Liz Mann

Mamas Need Schooling

Peralta Community College District
Board of Trustees
333 East 8th Street
Oakland, California 94606

Dear Sirs and Madams:

    I am writing to you in support of keeping your childcare facilities at Laney College open. It has been more than ten years since I attended Laney, and the two years I spent there were at least as influential to me as my time at U.C. Berkeley and in graduate school. I was just out of high school, and I appreciated that I was not sitting in a room full of naive kids like myself, but was learning alongside folks who had lived life, had families and jobs. It did not occur to me at the time that many of my classmates and instructors had young children who had to be somewhere while they were in class.
    Years later, after becoming a parent and community college instructor myself, I became aware of this predicament. The success of many students in school depends on the availability of affordable child care. It would be a disservice to the community to reduce the options that are available.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Don't Bother To Knock

Rabbi Yair Silverman
Eastbayshore Eruv Corporation
2371 West Street
Berkeley, CA 94702

Dear Rabbi Silverman,

    I only recently read about the eruv you’ve delineated in the Berkeley and Albany area. As I understand it, this creates a large “home” for congregants who otherwise could not leave their homes on the Sabbath. When I first glanced at the map it looked like I might live within its boundaries, and I got a sudden feeling that I was sitting in someone else’s home. I then saw that I live just outside of the eruv, but I do pass through it almost daily. I will now always be wondering when I am in the zone, should I take my shoes off? Is it a bad time to go ploughing through in my car? The most pressing unanswered question for me, though, regarding the nature of the eruv is this: is it okay to leave a sofa on the sidewalk in an eruv?
    Thanks for your time!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Make Love Not War

Richmond Mayor Irma Anderson
c/o Mayor’s Office
1401 Marina Way South
Richmond, CA 94804

Dear Mayor Anderson:

    As a lifelong East Bay resident I have always been aware of Richmond’s violent reputation. It pains me to still see headlines almost daily about new shootings and gang activity. I grew up in Oakland and was displeased when I learned that Oakland has a bad reputation around the world. When I traveled I learned that the violence was basically all people knew of, that they were unaware of the many things about Oakland that make it great. While I am guilty of not knowing a great deal about Richmond, I am sure that the same scenario applies. I did recently discover your lovely waterfront while biking on the Bay Trail.
    I imagine you are constantly brainstorming ways to curb the violence in Richmond. I read a news story recently about a strategy being used in Colombia that may work here as well. Gang members’ wives and girlfriends have collectively decided to withhold sex until the men lay down their guns. This just might work! If their plan is successful, I believe you should try and organize a similar pact among the women in Richmond.
    This could be the key to ending violence altogether. I think it warrants a town hall meeting. Good luck!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Siderodromophobia

Chief Engineer Ray Pimlott
Redwood Valley Railway
c/o East Bay Regional Park District
2950 Peralta Oaks Court
P.O. Box 5381
Oakland, CA 94605

Dear Mr. Pimlott,

    I was happy to see that there is a piece about yopu and the steam train in the Oakland Tribune. I was just at the train a few days ago with my daughter, waxing nostalgic about riding the train myself as a child many years ago.
    I have a dilemma that perhaps you have some insight into. I have taken my daughter on the steam trains a couple of times, but the last time we rode she cried, and the other day she did not want to ride. She seems to have developed a bit of a phobia of trains. This was exacerbated, I believe, by a recent incident where we were fairly near a full size train and she was startled by the loud noise.
    Otherwise she is just as fascinated with trains as the average two year old. She loves stories and songs about trains, and toy trains, and can pick up a train whistle from miles away. She likes to wave to trains (including the steam train) but would not even approach the mini locomotive while it was not moving.
    I figure she will get over this at some point. Or maybe she won’t, and that’s fine too. I just would never have expected it. As someone who has seen thousands of kids ride the train in Tilden, do you think this is a common phenomenon? Any tips on helping her get over her fear?
    Thanks for helping to keep one of the best things in the Bay Area going!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Life Is...

Todd Shaw, aka Too $hort
c/o Zomba Label Group
Zomba House
165-167 High Rd.
London
NW10 2SG
United Kingdom

Dear Mr. Shaw,

    I feel as though I owe you an apology, for I have been woefully unaware of how prolific your output of music has been over the past two decades. As I grew up in Oakland, I heard your music everywhere -- 90 percent of the time this was at school, repeated by friends and classmates at every opportunity they got to demonstrate the amount of our rhymes they had memorized.
    I have not followed the world of music much over the years, but was waxing nostalgic about your early work when I saw a mention of you on a celebrity gossip site. Unfortunately, this site was making reference to paparazzi not recognizing you as you exited the location of a music event. Then just today I saw a piece about you in the Chronicle, and was made aware of how much catching up I have to do: you have been keeping busy!
    I hope you will take it as a compliment when I tell you that you remind me of Elton John in some ways. Like Elton, you have been constantly working, and apparently not simply for the glory of being in the public eye. You are true to your own style, and also stay current with trends in music and culture. I read recently that Elton wants to collaborate with a “hip-hop” artist. While I understand that your music does not quite fall into that genre, I think that you and Elton could make an interesting team.  I’ll be first in line for the single.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Keep Running

Zachary Running Wolf
2124 Kittredge Street
Berkeley, CA 94704

Dear Mr. Running Wolf:

    Although I am not a voter in Berkeley, I am intrigued by your bid for the office of mayor. The city could certainly use a leader who represents the spirit of its history of activism.
    I read a couple of pieces linking you to the graffiti that blesses countless stop signs around Berkeley, on which “driving” is added under the word “stop.” In the article I saw, you reportedly denied responsibility for the deeds even when you were sporting the tools that would be necessary to carry out the paint jobs. As I have no direct experience with Berkeley’s finest, I can not say what the appropriate action would be in that situation. But in the interest of transparency and honesty, I would advise you to freely admit all acts of culture-jamming that you may have been involved with. If you have done this already, please ignore my advice.
    In a somewhat relate matter, I hope that if you do win the mayorship, that you will be able to effect some change in the Bay Area’s public transportation system. Without drastic improvements, we will not get enough people out of their cars (myself included, I am sorry to say) to make a difference. Good luck in the election!

Truly,

Liz Mann