LizLetters

Santa's Beer Belly

State of Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement
164 State House Station
Augusta, Maine 04333-0164

Dear Sir or Madam,

    I am writing in response to your refusal to allow Shelton Brothers Brewing to have a picture of Santa on a beer label. There is a fear that this could appeal to children and supposedly entice them to crack open a beer themselves.
    I can still almost hear the jingle and see the cartoon bear that represented Hamm’s brewery (“...from the land of sky blue water..”), and the Budweiser commercials with the dashing canine Spuds Mackensie. While they may not be shining examples of the most dignified ad campaigns, I do not think these advertising tactics made many children want to drink beer. When I was a child I was curious about what the adults were drinking, and I was allowed a sip here and there, with no terrible consequences. I believe that people’s drinking habits are based primarily on what they see around them, first observing their caregivers and then their own peers. If a large number of youngsters are drinking, we should be looking at these factors, not at beer labels.
    Parents should be able to explain to their children that Santa is a grown-up and sometimes has a grown-up drink. I think that many a “Santa” may reap the benefits, as chilled bottles and frosty pint glasses are left by chimneys on Christmas Eve in place of milk and cookies.

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Dogs (& Fish & Bees) Of War

Vegan Outreach
P.O. Box 38492
Pittsburgh, PA 15238-8492

Dear Madam or Sir:

    Although I have not made the leap from vegetarian to vegan, I have a great deal of respect for those who commit to the animal-friendly diet and lifestyle. As the world “progresses” I am always curious curious about where the line is drawn for vegans. For example, if a vegan is prescribed medication and the only company that makes this medication engages in animal testing, what is the vegan to do?
    More recently I have been wondering what the vegan stance is on use of animals in the war on terror. For many years, dolphins have been used by the military, with mixed response from the public. More recently, rats have been trained to locate land mines in Africa, special fish have been hired that will cough if the area’s drinking water is compromised, and bees are being trained to sniff out bombs.
    I understand that strict vegans do not wear silk because it is the result of forced animal labor, and do not eat honey for the same reason. We can certainly get along without eating and wearing animals. But I am torn on the use of animals for some of the above mentioned reasons. Perhaps if no one objects now, the United States will deploy retired greyhounds to fight in Iraq once we run out of troops to send. If nothing else this gives us all the more reason to work toward peace so that we do not require the services of these noble creatures.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Lost His Lucky Charms

Ron Engeldinger
Dean of Student Affairs
The Art Institute of Portland
1122 NW Davis Street
Portland, OR 97209

Dear Mr. Engeldinger:

    I am writing to ask that you review the case of student Bob Averill from an objective standpoint and allow him to continue his education at your fine institution. A news report that I saw today describes an incident in which a student took offense at something Mr. Averill said about her spirituality. An outspoken atheist, Mr. Averill apparently made a flippant remark about his fellow student believing in leprechauns. This may have been poor judgment on his part, but I do not think it warrants his dismissal from school. The report suggests that his “aggressive” behavior in his attempts to defend himself following a four-day suspension.
    I spent many years in various academic institutions and I have witnessed some rather tense discussions between students, as well as between students and instructors. Things blow over. People move on. To cut off the trajectory of a student’s academic career is extraordinarily harsh. Particularly in an art school, I would expect that many of these students, just entering adulthood, are learning how to “be” in the world, and testing their boundaries, and of course feeling very passionately about the ideas that they’re forming and all they’re discovering. If your institution is not set up to handle this sort of interpersonal drama, then I believe you should prepare your faculty and staff for this sort of thing in the future.
    I would suggest also that the instructor for the course in which this incident took place should accept some responsibility. According to the report that I read, students had “finished” and were chatting “until class was over.” When teaching college-level courses I make every effort to keep the students engaged for the full designated class time. If I let class out early, class is out. I have not encountered the situation described, in which students are sitting around twiddling their thumbs in wait of some form of dismissal bell, since high school. If the instructor was present, he or she should have been active in the conversation and helped to mediate potentially volatile remarks. If class was over, then this is a personal issue and while Mr. Averill should be encouraged to apologize, academic consequences are not appropriate.
    I hope you will review this student’s case and offer him another chance.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Beware The Doves Of Satan

Bob Kearns, Property Owners Association President
855 Saddleback Drive
Pagosa Springs CO 81147

Dear Mr. Kearns,

    By now I have read enough about planned communitites and homeowners associations to make me never wish to be a part of one, but the infraction you are charging Ms. Lisa Jensen with is among the most ludicrouis I have seen. She is simply displaying a peace sign in her Christmas wreath. Residents have apparently interpreted this as her speaking out against the war in Iraq and as a Satanic symbol. One may as well say that any Christmas decoration is hostile toward non-Christian neighbors (I assume you allow those).
    To automatically jump to the conclusion that a peace sign must be directed against the United States’ efforts in Iraq is extremely narrow-minded. At least it acknowledges that anti-war people are for peace and not just “on the side of terrorists.” But I do not see what is wrong with the symbol. Is it wrong to desire for the conflict in Iraq to eventually be resolved and for peace to prevail?
    The satanic symbol connection has me completely flummoxed. I have been wondering for some time how we as humans on this Earth can sit idly by and watch while war destroys us and our neighbors on the other side of the planet, but if there are people who can look at a peace sign and see a symbol of Satan, I can wonder no more.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Deputized At Last!

CHP Commissioner Michael L. Brown
c/o California Highway Patrol
P.O. Box 942898
Sacramento, CA 94298-0001 

Dear Commissioner Brown:

    I just read that you are encouraging motorists to call in to the CHP, by dialing 9-1-1 on their cell phones, if they witness what may be drunken driving. I am glad to have stumbled across this information, and also to know that you welcome this sort of citizen action. On a number of occasions I have witnessed dangerous driving on the road and wished that I could radio in for an officer to come seize the offender. I am certainly not the only one who has felt this way, as there is now a web site devoted to people posting the license plates of bad drivers  along with tales that are supposedly meant to shame the driver in the medieval stocks of the modern age: the internet.
    I am certain that you do not want folks to just call up and tell you every time they get cut off by an inconsiderate driver. But it is news to me that you are welcoming the public’s participation in traffic law enforcement, and authorizing officers to pull over a car based solely on eyewitness testimony. I will share this information with as many people as I can in order to help keep the roads safer this holiday season.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Yes I Was A Frolic Girl

Karis Griffin, Cultural Arts Recreation Supervisor
c/o City of Oakland Office of Parks and Recreation
250 Frank H. Ogawa Plaza Suite 3330
Oakland, CA 94612

Dear Ms. Griffin,

    I was delighted to read that you are revitalizing the Christmas Pageant, or some version of it. I performed in the pageant twice as a child, and have fond memories of doing so. The strongest impression it left on me was a sense of hugeness. Of course, everything that seems huge when you’re in elementary school looks rather small years later, but looking back on the event, I am amazed that anyone would try to tackle the feat of wrangling so many kids (was it hundreds?), getting them into costumes and throwing them into an arena to perform.
    I remember the awe that surrounded Louise Jorgensen, as she was older then most of the kids’ grandparents and yet she hopped around town choreographing the acts.
    It’s great to know that more kids will get the chance to participate in such a special event.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Men On Change

U.S. Mint
Department of the Treasury
Customer Care Center
P.O. Box 869010
Plano, TX 75086-9010

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I have very mixed feelings about your recent announcement of a new series of dollar coins. You will be issuing coins bearing portraits of each of our deceased presidents. This could make history lessons much more fun for young collectors.  Indeed it will be a valuable learning tool for all Americans. I’m sure I could not name most of our past presidents, even out of order!
    I am concerned, though, by the fact that these coins nudge out the one venue women have had on U.S. money. Susan B. Anthony reigned on the dollar coin for years, and was replaced by another legendary woman, Sacagawea. Now these ladies must make way for a parade of forgotten presidents.
    This feels somewhat symbolic of women’s role in American history. Women held onto a token place in the world of currency, but will now have to step aside. The mint will reportedly have to continue manufacturing the coin depicting the Native American woman “by law.” Ten-dollar coins depicting the presidents’ wives will be made, but apparently these will be for collectors and not for general circulation, thus relegating the women to the status of being prized and collected, kept within the domestic sphere rather than participating in the world of commerce.
    Perhaps it is better, though, to leave the world of money to the men. Women have been trafficked and used as currency themselves quite enough. Let our figureheads simply guide the ships at sea and our bodies decorate the walls of the Met. At least until there’s a woman president.

Truly,

Liz Mann

The Future Is Plastic

Nancy Nord, Acting Chairman
U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
4330 East West Highway
Bethesda, MD 20814

Dear Ms. Nord:

    I am sure you are well aware that San Francisco is implementing a ban on products for babies that contain certain chemicals suspected of being harmful and possibly carcinogenic. After becoming a new parent two years ago I began to notice numerous articles on the topic of infant exposure to phthalates and bisphenol A.
    Therefore I was disappointed, though not terribly surprised, to read in a recent news report that your agency has “not limited the chemicals in baby products for years” and that you “have no plans to impose new restrictions.” The same article quotes University of Massachusetts Lowell environmental health professor Joel Tinker, who claims that the potential cost for companies to make safe products is taken into account when regulating chemicals in products. I find this to be disgraceful. If making a product safe is prohibitively expensive for manufacturer, then the manufacturer should be prohibited from making the product.
    The chemical companies and toy manufacturers must have some fantastic lobbyists. I can see no good reason why government agencies should turn a blind eye to potential hazards that are going straight into babies’ mouths.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Buses, Not Busses

Brazilian Embassy
3006 Massachusetts Ave, NW
Washington, DC 20008

Dear Sir or Madam:

    While Brazil is widely recognized for its general sexiness, it is intriguing to learn that in many ways your country holds much more reasonable attitudes about sex than we do here in the United States. While our leaders are busy telling the citizens which forms of sexual relations are okay and which are not, you have a mayor in Novo Santo Antonio handing out free Viagra to the elderly men in his town. Unfortunately, the “Happy Penis” program reportedly inspired some men to stray from their wives. The solution? Of course -- he began to give the pills to the wives! They can then monitor their usage.
    The less thrilling news from Brazil is that in the more urban Goiania a need has arisen for separate commuter buses for women so that they can avoid being groped by men. This is not a problem exclusive to Brazil, of course. In Japan and other locations where strangers are crowded together, people have  trouble keeping their hands to themselves. This does not seem to be a very big problem in the U.S. outside of New York, primarily because Americans refuse to use public transportation in the first place. In New York an innovative web site has appeared on which victims of harassment can post photos of their assailants if they are lucky enough to get a snap of them on a camera phone.
    I hope your matter-of-fact solutions will catch on elsewhere. It will be difficult for us in the U.S., however, to give up our tradition of ignoring an issue until is explodes in a huge scandal.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Penguin Pride

Jennifer L. Filyaw, Superintendent
c/o Shiloh Village School
125 Diamond Court
Shiloh, IL  62269

Dear Mrs. Filyaw,

    I just learned of the flap in the Shiloh Elementary school library over a picture book called “And Tango Makes Three.” The book reportedly is about a pair of male penguins who, as a couple, adopt and raise a penguin chick. Parents have complained that their children can not handle a story about that kind of situation. It is my belief that the only ones who can not handle the idea of same-sex couples are the closed-minded adults. Young children’s minds are wide open, but it takes only a few cues from adults about what is “unacceptable” to begin the process of narrowing kids’ views.
    The penguin book has apparently been sentenced to languish in the nonfiction section of the library as a compromise that avoids the all-out ban many parents seem to favor. This gives credence to the fact that homosexuality occurs in the animal kingdom, and indeed among penguins, but it also appears to be a symbolic dismissal of the story, an attempt to limit its accessibility for the children in a de facto manner.
    I think the best solution would be to add a second copy of the book to your collection and house it in the high-traffic storybook section. As this issue has gained national attention, you would be doing a service for your students as well as school kids around the country where other libraries may follow suit.

Truly,

Liz Mann