LizLetters

A Bird For The Bush Is Worth...

Anonymous Finger-Flipping School Bus Driver
c/o Chris Dugovich, Executive Director
Washington State Council of County and City Employees
(Council 2)
P.O. Box 750
Everett, WA 98206-0750

Dear Anonymous Finger-Flipping School Bus Driver:

    Wow. I was thrilled to read the story of your encounter with President Bush. I am not thrilled, of course, that you were fired from your job as a school bus driver, but I am curious to know whether perhaps the experience was worth the consequence. Bush was reportedly waving to the kids on your bus when your display of your finger caught him by surprise. He mentioned the incident to Congressman Dave Reichert, whom he was visiting  in Seattle, who then reported you.
    I occasionally entertain myself with various “what would I do if...” and one of those questions has long been “what would I do if I happened to see Mr. Bush in a casual setting, perhaps just walking down the street. I do not know whether I would have the nerve to tell him off, but I’d like to think so. It is rather unlikely that I will be faced with this dilemma, but you found yourself at the plate and batted one in. I am quite impressed.
    I do hope you get your job back, and although I do have faith in unions, pissing off the president is a tough one to sweep under the rug. I imagine you could get gigs driving activists to the capitol, but you should not have to give up driving school buses altogether if you do not wish to. As for setting a poor example for the kids, that’s not cut-and-dried. You do not want kids running around flipping people off and using the bus driver as an excuse. However, they need to learn who the “bad men” are out there and that it is okay to stand up to them. Good luck in the future!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Ballot Box Bingo

Mark Osterloh
2701 E. Ozona Pl.
Tucson, AZ 85718

Dear Mr. Osterloh:

    The most brilliant ideas are often the simplest, and yours is an example of this phenomenon. Some are critical of your “Proposition 200” that would institute a million dollar prize for a random voter. They claim that it is tasteless to “bribe” people into voting. These days, the bar for “tasteless” in elections stands pretty high, and I do not think you’ve reached it.
    Regarding this issue, I am in the “whatever gets people out to vote” camp. With voter turnout as low as it is across the country, the only thing that is going to effect voter apathy is a carrot or a stick. There are many places that have compulsory voting. The penalty for not voting is often a fine. I do not know whether having rules to make voting mandatory actually increases voter turnout, but I would be curious to see how much heavier the ballot boxes would be if people were promised a chance to win cash for going to the polls. I always wonder after elections how things would have turned out if absolutely everyone had voted. It is simply insane for such small percentages of the population to decide what becomes law and to elect those who will be making decisions for us all.
    I do hope that your proposition passes and that this idea catches on. Personally, all it takes to get me to vote is one of those cute “I voted” stickers. But hey, I’m easy.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Getting Stuck, And A Lame Duck

Senator John Kerry
c/o Friends of John Kerry, Inc.
511 C St. NE
Washington, DC 20002

Dear Senator Kerry:

    I was glad to read about President Bush’s attack on your comments to some college students in which you warned them that if they didn’t take their educational goals seriously they could “get stuck in Iraq.” The reason I find this news favorable is because if the White House is latching onto this sliver of speech and twisting it and holding it up to scrutiny, their arsenal must be devoid of ammunition of any substance for criticizing the democrats.
    It seems that you may have been making a joke with this comment, but the prospect of being dragged into this war is certainly a valid topic to remind college students of. I would really like to think that college students are becoming aware, as we receive the depressing news from Iraq day by day, that we should not be signing even more kids up to go over there. The sad truth is that there are many students who would indeed drop it all and go fight with a small amount of persuasion.
    I imagine it is exhausting knowing that a team of spin doctors is monitoring your every word to see how they can turn it against you. Be careful out there. But don’t lose your passion and humor in the process.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Looking For A Leader (Reward!)

Mo Ibrahim, Chairman
Celtel International B.V.
Scorpius 2
2132 LR Hoofddorp
Netherlands

Dear Mr. Ibrahim:

    I was pleased to read about your plan to award $5 million to an African political leader who displays “excellence in leadership.” It is unfortunate that financial incentive has become necessary, but at this point one must use whatever tactic works to improve the lives of people who are currently suffering as a result of political corruption.
    Once in a while a news story crops up about protests in various African countries by people who work for one of the big oil companies, or the citizens of the communities in which the companies do business. Today it is being reported that villagers shut down some oil platforms in Nigeria. This sort of story always makes me want to boycott whatever company is supposedly exploiting its workers and making out like bandits (I already feel as though I’m a conspirator in some evil deed every time I put gas in my car). I am no fan of the oil companies in general, but as I read about the people’s complaints I almost felt sympathetic toward Shell. These oil companies employ people all across Africa. I hope the employees are fairly compensated for their labor. Of this I have no knowledge one way or the other. It seems, though, that while African countries should be enjoying the financial benefits of having so coveted a natural resource, the leaders in power are finding other things to do with the wealth before it reaches the people.
    So the people naturally look to the companies to provide what the government should be providing, even including schools. On the one hand, I wonder whether it is reasonable to expect a company to go above and beyond the normal business practices and take on pseudo-governmental roles. On the other hand, it’s a bit despicable for these corporations to do business where they know this sort of corruption is going on.
    Is there any remedy for this? I do hope incentives provided by individuals such as yourself will make a difference. It is truly amazing the amount of ruin that is caused by the lust for oil around the world.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Voting For Boobs

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
Leo W. O'Brien Federal Office Building
1 Clinton Square
Room 821
Albany, NY 12207

Dear Mrs. Clinton:

    Happy 59th birthday! This may not reach you until the festive day has passed, but I do hope you take some time off from your busy schedule to relax and celebrate. I read that the turkey who considers himself a contender against you in the Senate race made some rude comments about your appearance. You are, of course, looking fabulous, and you should not have to even entertain such notions when you (along with the rest of us, via the media) have to endure looking at the ugly mugs on so many of the men in politics whose greed and lust for power show up on their faces in the form of permanent scowls and sneers.
    While your current race will probably be a cakewalk, you must certainly be pondering strategies for your upcoming Hillary for President campaign. Since you will be doing something no woman has done before, you can write the rules as you go. I think you should surprise people by sexing up your campaign. If you want ideas on how to do this you should call up Loretta Nall who is a write-in candidate for governor in Alabama. She is blatantly exploiting her boobs in her campaign and it seems to be working out as a good strategy for her.
    No one expects cleavage from a presidential candidate. Throw America a curve ball!

Truly,

Liz Mann

My Dear Senators 3

Senator Dianne Feinstein
331 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC  20510

Dear Senator Feinstein:

    I am writing because I believe you should try to get legislation passed that would require parents to be notified if government officials wish to detain or question minors. I read a report today about a fourteen-year-old girl in Sacramento who was pulled out of her classroom and “yelled at” by federal agents because several months ago she posted a picture of Bush on her Myspace page on which she wrote a “threat” against the president.
    It must have been fairly obvious that there was no immediate threat from this teenager or she would have received a visit much sooner. But the government apparently did not want to cross her off of their Scold and Intimidate list.    
    Our government needs some lessons in basic human psychology. Young Julia Wilson was not intimidated enough to cease and desist speaking out against the current U.S. regime. On the contrary, she was inspired to organize like-minded people. More and more mothers, day by day, are feeling the rage inspired by getting news that their children are dying in a war that never should have started. They feel the call to action. I’m just guessing that the family members of the folks our military personnel have been killing in Iraq and elsewhere are feeling a similar stirring. But hey, I’ve only taken Psych 101.
    I digress. My point here is that Ms. Wilson should have been explicitly given the option to have her mother, or some other adult of her choice, present while she was questioned. I understand that there is a bill lying around somewhere that would require parents to be notified in these circumstances. Somebody should pick it up.

Truly,

Liz Mann

CC: Senator Barbara Boxer

Dark Side Of The Moon

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
Department of Defense
1000 Defense, The Pentagon
Washington, D.C. 20301

Dear Mr. Rumsfeld:

    I finally figured out that you are planning a trip to the moon to scout out spots for a military base. I do not know why it took me so long to become aware of this, but I would like to be the first to wish you a bon voyage. It will probably provide a nice quiet vacation, which I am sure you could use right now. Does it ever feel like a day doesn’t go by where someone doesn’t casually mention that they think you should “step down”? That’s when it’s time to go to the moon.
    With Bush’s new “freedom of action” in space project, the first thing to do will obviously be to set up shop on the moon, and do so before anyone else. Certainly the president has plans for other, more complex outer space floaty things, probably things Reagan could not have imagined when he was drafting his Strategic Defense Initiative. But the base will logically be under your command.
    This has apparently been on your mind for a while. When the mind is focused on something, that subject filters into one’s language, particularly the metaphors one chooses. A while back you came up with what seemed at the time to be an odd metaphor about attacking the moon itself if it posed a threat. Now that makes perfect sense! If you have any qualms at all about going into space, just get on the same shuttle as Madonna. If I were going on a long flight I would like to be sitting next to her. I think she’d have some entertaining stories.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Let A Smile Be Your Grenade

Francis J. Harvey
Secretary of the United States Army
1500 Army Pentagon
Washington, DC  20310-1500

Dear Mr. Harvey:

    Things get tougher for the U.S. amry in Iraq every day. For some soldiers it may seem as though the citizens of Iraq do not even appreciate the United States’ presence there.
    I think that you should take a cue from those conducting the military coup in Thailand and strongly urge your soldiers to smile. This has apparently worked quite well for those in Thailand. Just as Thailand is experiencing the “friendliest coup” ever, Iraq could have the friendliest occupation. I am sure that the soldiers are not currently rude or glum, but they could always add a little extra effort, maybe even hand out flowers here and there.
    Who knows -- maybe a few smiles could turn things around in Iraq.

Truly,

Liz Mann

A Cosby Cause

L. Douglas Wilder
900 E. Broad St. Room 201
Richmond, VA  23219

Dear Mayor Wilder:

    I just read about the slavery museum you have planned. Mr. Bill Cosby has put out a call for each American to contribute eight dollars toward the effort.
    Although he has received some criticism for statements he has made in the past year or so, particularly regarding the African American community, when Mr. Cosby speaks, I, and surely many others, listen. When I was growing up he was in my living room regularly, as one of the funniest and most respectable fathers on television. His reputation can not be shaken by a few controversial comments. On the contrary, I feel that as we get older, we have an obligation to become more outspoken, opinionated and crotchety.
    Mr. Cosby is quoted as saying he thinks that this sort of campaign is seldom successful. However, two school projects for holocaust memorials have had astounding success in recent years. One school solicited six milliopn paper clips, and more recently a school brought in a million and a half pennies.
    Although Mr. Cosby will not convince me to buy Jell-o (my diet is free of horse hooves), I feel compelled to respond to his paternal nudge and send off a few bucks for a good cause. You will find eight dollars enclosed.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Make Love Not War

Richmond Mayor Irma Anderson
c/o Mayor’s Office
1401 Marina Way South
Richmond, CA 94804

Dear Mayor Anderson:

    As a lifelong East Bay resident I have always been aware of Richmond’s violent reputation. It pains me to still see headlines almost daily about new shootings and gang activity. I grew up in Oakland and was displeased when I learned that Oakland has a bad reputation around the world. When I traveled I learned that the violence was basically all people knew of, that they were unaware of the many things about Oakland that make it great. While I am guilty of not knowing a great deal about Richmond, I am sure that the same scenario applies. I did recently discover your lovely waterfront while biking on the Bay Trail.
    I imagine you are constantly brainstorming ways to curb the violence in Richmond. I read a news story recently about a strategy being used in Colombia that may work here as well. Gang members’ wives and girlfriends have collectively decided to withhold sex until the men lay down their guns. This just might work! If their plan is successful, I believe you should try and organize a similar pact among the women in Richmond.
    This could be the key to ending violence altogether. I think it warrants a town hall meeting. Good luck!

Truly,

Liz Mann