LizLetters

Everything Old Is Old Again

Hasbro, Inc.
1027 Newport Avenue
P.O. Box 1059
Pawtucket, Rhode Island 02862-1059

Dear Hasbro,

    I was disappointed to learn of the new, “updated” version of your Monopoly® board game. I was never a huge fan of the game, but I do feel at least a bit nostalgic about the classic version. Aside from not wanting to  expose my child to capitalism any more than that which is inevitable, I  will not be purchasing this new version of the game for her. Children are already branded right and left, and do not need to have name brand  pieces on their game boards.
    The main thing that turned me off of the game in the past is that it always took so damn long to play. Now it will also be one long commercial. The joke about Starbucks eventually opening shops in people’s living rooms is coming to fruition. As much as I find the Starbucks piece annoying, though, I feel it is downright irresponsible to put a cute little order of McDonalds fries in youngsters’ hands when so many kids are practically living off of fast food.
    I hope that you at least have balanced things out with the messages on the “Chance” cards. Do players suffer the consequences of corporate greed in the tradition of Enron? Do they suffer financial setbacks due to class action lawsuits? I do hope this is not solely the 3-D advertisement that it looks like.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Siderodromophobia

Chief Engineer Ray Pimlott
Redwood Valley Railway
c/o East Bay Regional Park District
2950 Peralta Oaks Court
P.O. Box 5381
Oakland, CA 94605

Dear Mr. Pimlott,

    I was happy to see that there is a piece about yopu and the steam train in the Oakland Tribune. I was just at the train a few days ago with my daughter, waxing nostalgic about riding the train myself as a child many years ago.
    I have a dilemma that perhaps you have some insight into. I have taken my daughter on the steam trains a couple of times, but the last time we rode she cried, and the other day she did not want to ride. She seems to have developed a bit of a phobia of trains. This was exacerbated, I believe, by a recent incident where we were fairly near a full size train and she was startled by the loud noise.
    Otherwise she is just as fascinated with trains as the average two year old. She loves stories and songs about trains, and toy trains, and can pick up a train whistle from miles away. She likes to wave to trains (including the steam train) but would not even approach the mini locomotive while it was not moving.
    I figure she will get over this at some point. Or maybe she won’t, and that’s fine too. I just would never have expected it. As someone who has seen thousands of kids ride the train in Tilden, do you think this is a common phenomenon? Any tips on helping her get over her fear?
    Thanks for helping to keep one of the best things in the Bay Area going!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Captain Kirk

William Shatner
11288 Ventura Blvd. Box 725
Studio City, CA 91604

Dear Mr. Shatner,

    I just read that you declined a trip into space. I do not blame you! No offense to the good people at NASA, but they have had a few incidents that would make many people nervous about the whole reentry thing. I heard an ad on the radio this morning and I swear it said something like: “Have you always wanted to work for the space program but didn’t pass Algebra 1?” Do they really want to recruit these people? You see ads on daytime television for schools where in a short time you can become an airplane mechanic. I’m sorry but it does not make me less nervous about flying to think that the fellow who just performed a tune-up on the plane I’m on was, a month or so ago, sitting on his mom’s sofa drinking a beer in his underwear and watching Regis while debating becoming a dental assistant versus an airplane mechanic.
    On your website you mention that Golden Palace Casino bought your kidney stone for $75K. What is the deal with that place? They apparently just purchased a sandwich that was half eaten by Britney Spears, and were the purchasers of a cheese sandwich with an image of the Virgin Mary on it. Do they have some sort of museum for these things?
    You seem like a reasonable fellow. What is your take on all this nonsense about stripping Pluto of its title as Planet? Why not leave well enough alone?
    Thanks for your time. I know you’re a busy guy. Keep your feet on the ground!

Truly,

Liz Mann

Let The Blind Lead

Clark T. Randt, Jr.
United States Ambassador to China
United States Embassy of Beijing, China
Xiu Shui Bei Jie 3
100600
China

Dear Mr. Randt:

    I am very concerned about the case of Chen Guangcheng, the blind human rights activist who was recently sentenced to several years in jail for publicizing such atrocities as forced late-term abortions and sterilizations.
    I have read reports that describe how President Bush brings up issues related to human rights, such as religious freedom, with Chinese President Hu, but I wonder whether more could be done to put pressure on China to take more progressive steps, such as ratifying the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights.
    I find it very confusing trying to figure out what formula the United States uses in deciding which people in the world need our troops and bombs in order to gain democratic freedoms, and which need gentle diplomatic urging. We should not sit idly by while the citizens of China are receiving such poor treatment and those who try and defend their rights are jailed.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Getting Wild In Kentucky

Mike Dixon
c/o Hazard Community College
Psychology Department
One Community College Drive
Hazard, Kentucky  41701

Dear Mr. Dixon:

    My original intent in writing to you today was to tell you that I admire your decision to cease cutting your lawn. I find, however, that I need to request clarification from you regarding information that has been put forth in a news article about you.
    The Associated Press insists that you are the mayor of Blackey, Kentucky. On the Letcher County web site, however, one Mark Stone is listed as mayor. I also could not find definitive information confirming that you are an instructor at HCC. I will suspend all disbelief, however, and assume for now that you are indeed who the press reports you to be.
    I can appreciate the message you are sending by letting your lawn “go wild.” Time is too fleeting to waste it trying to groom green grass so that it looks just like the grass in front of the house next door. It appears that the unkempt state of your yard has attracted the local wild creatures as well.
    I would like to suggest that you use this opportunity to raise the Kentucky citizenry’s awareness of another ecological approach to landscaping. You could commit a portion of your yard to native plants, demonstrating that folks not only can free themselves of the burden of commitment to their lawns, but help restore the natural integrity of Kentucky’s fauna. This would require more of a time commitment on your part than you may have wanted to devote to your yard, but I believe it would be a service to your community. If you contact the Native Plant Society, I am sure they can get you started.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Organized Perversion

Judge Kathleen Ann Sutula
Cuyahoga County Court of Common Pleas
1200 Ontario St.
Cleveland, Ohio 44113-1678

Dear Judge Sutula:

    I am troubled by the case of a man who recently made an appearance in your courtroom. It seems that Mr. Phillip Distasio is attempting to justify his history of sexually assaulting children by claiming that the practice is part of his religion.
    There must be something particularly twisted about the mind of a pedophile that leads him to do this. In the Netherlands a group is attempting to form a pedophile political party so that they can attempt to lower the age of consent from sixteen to twelve.
    Is it possible to administer harsher punishments to people who not only admit to committing heinous crimes but then try to justify their actions? That these individuals seek the protection of religious and political organizations simply highlights how unfit for society they actually are.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Pagan Patriots

Department of Veterans Affairs
810 Vermont Ave NW
Washington, DC 20420

Dear Sir or Madam:

    I am writing to ask that you recognize the Wiccan religion, and grant Sargeant Patrick D. Stewart a memorial decorated with the pentacle symbol. Although it is frequently misunderstood, the Wiccan religion is as valid as any other.
    The validity of a soldier’s religion, however, should not even be a factor in what is allowed on a dead soldier’s memorial. Barring symbols related to hate groups or other similar organizations, soldiers ought to be allowed whatever symbol was meaningful to them.
    When a draft is implemented during wartime, citizens are expected to fight regardless of how they feel about that particular war. If the Department of Veterans Affairs refuses to acknowledge the religions of some soldiers who die while fighting on behalf of the U.S. government, you should be banning Wiccans from entering the military in the first place. It makes no sense to tell soldiers that they’re good enough to die for their country, but not good enough to have their chosen religions represented on their own memorial plaques.

Truly,

Liz Mann

What So Proudly We Hailed

Senator Orrin G. Hatch
8402 Federal Building
125 South State Street
Salt Lake City, UT 84138

Dear Senator Hatch:

    Thanks for proposing the amendment to ban flag-burning again. After four years I had nearly forgotten how terrible flag-burning is. You have also reminded me of what a swell party the Republicans have. On this fourth of July, I have some flag-related questions for you, as I would not want to make any mistakes and desecrate a great symbol.
    I went to a celebration at my local park today, and they were handing out countless little plastic flags. It was quite a sight to see: hundreds of citizens of all ages eagerly shaking their flags (the flags were to small to really “wave”). It would have been even better if the flags had imprinted on them “made in the U S of A” rather than “Made in China,” but I know that’s asking a lot.
    I would like to know the proper procedure for storing, displaying and eventually disposing of my small plastic flag. It has been dropped on the ground (and swiftly picked up) a couple of times. Is it necessary to melt it? Will there be a specific prohibition against malicious flag-melting in your amendment?
    Also, what is your official stance on eating the flag? I certainly would not eat my plastic flag, but I saw the most delicious-looking recipe by Martha Stewart for cookies decorated like the American flag. Is there a proper way to eat them? If you are intending to outlaw these cookies, please do not make Martha the poster-woman for your agenda. She’s done her time. In fact, forget I brought her into this.
    I will suspend all action in regard to my flag until I hear from you.

Truly,

Liz Mann

If You Build Them...

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
State Capitol Building
Sacramento, CA 95814

Dear Governor Schwarzenegger:

    I read today that you are addressing the issue of overcrowded prisons by trying to get more prisons built quickly. This solution is severely flawed. I am glad to see that a part of your plan deals with helping parolees with programs that could deter repeat offenses. However, the bulk of your plan ignores the problems that are inherent in the system that put the people in prison to begin with.
    The issue is not simply that there are too many people in prison, or that some of them are in for longer than they need to be, but that there is a huge number of people in prison who should never have been sent there. People are “over-incarcerated” for nonviolent crimes, particularly for drug offenses. Reform needs to begin with the laws themselves.
    Among those who are incarcerated unnecessarily are a number of women who have been convicted of murder for killing abusive husbands in self defense. I encourage you to have these women’s cases reviewed and grant them clemency.
    Our criminal justice system needs a major overhaul. I hope you will devote attention to the matter at the very least in proportion to the percentage of our population who are incarcerated.

Truly,

Liz Mann

Northern Neighbors

Consulate General of Canada
Immigration Section
550 South Hope Street, 9th Floor
Los Angeles, California
90071, USA

Dear Sir or Madam:

    Everybody wants to move to Canada these days! U.S. soldiers are seeking asylum in your fair country, and I read that some folks who are supposedly on their way out of Guantanamo Prison would like to emigrate to Canada as well.
    I am writing to encourage you to grant asylum to American military deserters. I am not certain what sort of spankings are in store for them on U.S. soil, but I am guessing the military is not going to make life great for these guys. Even among civilians there are many Americans who would like to flee their country.
    Canada is a very appealing destination. I spent a couple of summers there in my youth and even at age eight I formed a plan in my mind to live there one day. I was not aware at the time of the difficulty many people face in emigrating. I still would like to live in Canada for a while. Do you have any tips on putting together a winning application?

Truly,

Liz Mann